Oh, happy day! Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View's token right-wing punching bag, will on Monday return to the couch she was forced to abandon by the seemingly endless pregnancy that recently resulted in new son Jonathan Taylor Thomas. And she's bringing the kid to the show! And they're going to have an entire fucking hour of Hot Topics! And there will be a BIG TICKET ITEM GIVEAWAY! If Hasselbeck had been dragging the freshly delivered baby Jesus Himself into the studio for a televised playdate with Aunties Whoopi, Sherri, Barbara, and Joy, the show could hardly have prepared a more exciting celebration in His honor. [CNN.com]

Watchers of The View were treated to a phone call from Elisabeth Hasselbeck, whose ever-fertile, neocon-replicating loins produced a healthy baby boy over the weekend: Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck—mom was a huge Home Improvement fan—is surely meant for great things, possessing both his father's athletic grace and his mother's superhuman ability to withstand fire-breathing co-hosts while still managing to squeeze in some point about how Iraqi women raped by international soldiers have no right to abortions.

Rosie O'Donnell's cruise line, The Angry Lesbian of the Sea, set sail again for the Bahamas, a prime opportunity for the outspoken comedian to delight a captive audience of 1500 vacationers with a brainwashing session comedy routine about her pet obsessions: Dumpling-cheeked neocon Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and swivel-chair branding whore Donald Trump. UsMagazine.com has the exclusive:

By now you're aware of the tragic news that Rosie O'Donnell will not return to "The View" after her recent altercation with co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck. But this weekend Ro took to her blog to explain her relationship with the loopy Christ-lover. What was it like behind the scenes? You'll be shocked to learn that all was not daffodils and flowers. We are digging the bandana, though. Also, Nora Ephron WTF?

It brings us no pleasure to inform you that the feud between noted 9/11 conspiracy theorist Rosie O'Donnell and squeaky-voiced hawk Elisabeth Hasselbeck seems to be showing few signs of waning. (Let's take a moment to remember happier, BFF times, when the two threw back some beers and wine before hitting the opening night of Les Misérables on Broadway.) Reports Page Six:

Admit it, you want more clips, right? Well, you're in luck! Here's Rosie O'Donnell duking it out with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on today's The View. What are they fighting about? Who cares, it's two impassioned broads bellowing at each other! Everyone wins!

The inexplicable mystery of Elisabeth Hasselbeck's continuing employment at "The View" has finally been solved: She serves as personal deboogenator for the rest of the staff. [WARNING: Contains footage of a grown woman picking another grown woman's nose.]

• If Nancy Grace joins "The View" does Elisabeth Hasselbeck lose her slot as designated crazy right-wing ranter? [TVNewser]
  

• Brangelina doing Vietnamese this time. [Us]
  

Rosie. Barbara. Joy. That crazy religious broad with the menstrual cycle. While these pioneering feminist icons are justly praised in story and song, we feel that one member of The View has received far too little attention. We speak, of course, of the interchangeable black chick, the rotating cast member whose dusky presence provides the extra soup on of multiculturalism that makes the show just right. Here's to you, ever-changing black lady: You're living proof that as long as you're pleasant, photogenic, and, you know, black, you'll always have a seat at the table.

Earlier: Elisabeth Hasselbeck Loses Her Shit

• Well, that solves it: It's Anna Nicole Smith herself who's cashing in on the photos of her with her newborn child and son Daniel, who died shortly after the pics were taken. With the help of an aggressive photo agent and the money-throwing suits at In Touch and Entertainment Tonight, she's set to bring in around $600K. Self-exploitation heals the heartache, doesn't it? [Lowdown]
• Joe Simpson reaches a whole new level of fucked-up and crazy: he actually acts as a paparazzo, taking pictures of his daughters — the same images that all the other swarms are taking — and selling them to WireImage as part of an exclusive deal that cuts out all other photographers. Eventually, Simpson will strike this kind of deal with Penthouse. And then, only then, being daddy will be worth it. [Radar]
• In a very public screaming match, Lindsay Lohan tells her partner in crime, mom Dina, to "go to hell" — during Dina's birthday party, no less. But not even the birthday girl gets to gank Lindsay's stash. Bitch had it coming. [Page Six]
• Rosie O'Donnell's big, scary lesbian liberalism makes View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry. And when Elisabeth cries, the ratings win. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Diddy pulls a diva act. When someone wears white chinchilla, that's usually a given. [Philly Daily News]
• In his divorce, Matt Leblanc will be representing himself. Pitfalls and blunders, accompanied by a laughtrack, TK. [TMZ]
• Stephen Baldwin continues to spread the word of baby Jesus and, in the process of doing so, remains in the public eye. Troublesome. [Page Six]

Last week, View co-ho Elisabeth Hasselbeck delighted millions by shamelessly losing control of herself on live television, allowing her unbridled, right-wing passion to run amok without any consideration for her co-hosts on the matter of Plan B, the morning-after killing tool of innocent ovarian linings everywhere. According to Ken Tucker at Entertainment Weekly, later Hasselbeck indirectly shed light on her madness, demonstrating that her self-righteous blood runs very deep:

Uh, to whom exactly is this a shock? Does anybody doubt that Alex Kuczynski would eat live babies if she thought it would keep her looking young?

After View co-ho Elisabeth Hasselbeck went on a sputtering tirade against Plan B, reader Jim Behrle channels his emotion through an incredibly insightful pirate comic strip. Fitting, seeing as Hasselbeck secretly has a peg leg.

It's rare that The View's resident pretty-but-dumb blonde Elisabeth Hasselbeck says more than 3 seconds worth of right-wing drivel, but when she does, it's out of passion. Today the ladies (with special guest co-host Lisa Loeb) discussed the over-the-counter availability of morning-after pill Plan B, and of course this sent young Hasselbeck into a tizzy of earnest "life begins at penetration" arguments, getting herself so worked up that her voice slipped into the trying-not-to-cry quiver. Den mother Barbara Walters eventually had to step in and calm the girl down; after the segment, we're certain that Hasselbeck stomped off to her room and slammed the door. "You'll never understand me, Barbara! I hate this family! I can't wait till I go to college and get away from you people!"