Tired of twiddling your thumbs and desperately wondering, How can I get my foot in the door at Condé Nast when I'm only a slightly attractive individual with average body fat? Well, young grasshoppers, it's easier than you think. One need simply spend several thousands of dollars to pursue a degree in journalism, and then fine glossies like Condé Nast Traveler will come knocking at your door with exotic, unpaid internship offers. From there, it's just a mere 6 or 7 years of indentured servitude until you're breaking the glass ceiling from your corner cubicle. And you thought j-school was a waste!

Stop the presses! There's a major announcement from the New School today: What was formerly called New School University and before that called the New School for Social Research, will now be called — wait for it — the New School.

A dozen years earlier, and high school would have been significantly less terrible.

• We're not sure who to pity more: Premiere magazine for paying Harvard's Lampoon writers to make fun of their magazine, or the writers for actually taking the cash. Those kids have a bright future of working at upcoming Jimmy Kimmel roasts. [Lampoon]
• Oh, David Beckham. Playing footsies with some other woman, in public, while your wife sits next to you? Bold and daring. And stupid. That too. [BWE]
• Oh, the thrill of canceling your Times subscription. [Amy's NY Notebook]
• How to be fat and fabulous? Oversized Prada sunglasses. That's why they're so damn popular — not because of some Olsen twin. [Eurotrash]
• On the grandiose, brass balls of Graydon Carter. [FishbowlNY]
• And finally, a special congrats to speakeasy La Esquina, which took only 44 days to hit media saturation. Things should be tolerable around there in approximately 2 months, at which point we suggest you stop by. [Eater]

We'd normally just tack this on as an update, but we feel the following clarification merits its own post (before too many more of you email us). Earlier, we posted an email from Eric Alterman in which he announced his need for a new assistant. Among Alterman's prerequisites for employment:

It's a tough time to be an aspiring public intellectual. You've got the master's, you've got the recognized byline, and you discover those things qualify you for what exactly? To be lefty pundit Eric Alterman's researcher/secretary. According to an email forwarded to us last night:

Speaking of celebrity news, the latest issue of Maxim has a revealing quote from cover girl Nicky Hilton:

It's not every day you receive a press release for a movie — as we just did — that isn't announcing its premiere, or unveiling a promotional tie-in, or denying stories about sexual entanglements or detox treatments among its stars. Nope, Adario Strange, the filmmaker behind The NYU Suicides, which examines the one-year period in which six NYU kids threw themselves from buildings, simply wants us to know of its existence.

· A Columbia MFA reunion: more like a "torturous skull-fuck" or a "sabre-tipped colorectal exam?" [Robin and Renee]
· Give a blogger LexisNexis, and they'll change the goddamned world. [Another Useless Fact]
· Helen Gurley-Brown attends an ancient fossils show; bad comedians relieved to have monologue material. [Corsair]
· Fun with outdated Will Ferrell posters! [City Rag]

An earth-shattering discovery from Sinai on 43rd reveals that which we've long known, as exemplified by the following:

But if there were formal education, we'd totally be there.

You can take the 10:30 or 11:30 Delta Shuttle to Boston, and you'll still have plenty of time to get to Cambridge and catch Atoosa Rubenstein's sure-to-be inspiring talk at Harvard. Also, you'll finally be able to answer the age-old question: Seventeen's Atoosa or ex-NYTer Elvis Mitchell, who's hairier? JO
*Yes, we know Rudenstine isn't president anymore. But he's still on the faculty. So the joke works, dammit.

On Thursday, April 21, lawyers for 16-year-old Christopher Spaide and his parents, Drs. Richard and Chang Spaide, filed suit against the Dalton School for "arbitrarily and capriciously" suspending the high-school sophomore after he wrote a series of controversial "minutes" for a February student-government meeting. The suit alleges that the minutes which the young Mr. Spaide wrote in his capacity as secretary of the student government were intended as nothing more than playful "attempts at wit and satire." And it accuses the school of "irreparably" harming Mr. Spaide, demanding that Dalton expunge any reference to the scandal from his record.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia made a wonderful appearance at NYU this week:

From NYU's Washington Square News comes word of new measures designed to keep students alive: