We were very excited to read a story about a possibly imaginary creature, the "celibate celeb," but when we saw that the first words of the piece are "Britney Spears," we realized that this story must've been written in 1999 and mistakenly republished today. Our fears were confirmed when we noticed that Dr. Joyce Brothers* is quoted extensively in the piece.
A reader demonstrates what might have been land-hogging mogul David Geffen's greatest fear upon being compelled to finally surrender access to the public beach behind his Malibu compound: po' folk—he's a billionaire, remember, so this includes anyone from the help to Jennifer Aniston—wandering onto the high-quality sand to gape at the shady bidness he's conducting out of his oceanside Gay Mafia Xanadu:
Yesterday, we received an email from a couple who've started a blog to boost their chances at being cast on Fear Factor. Our immediate reaction was, "Fear Factor is still on TV?" Our second thought, perhaps even less charitable than the first, was, "Not Survivor? Amazing Race? They want help getting attention for their campaign to win the opportunity to gobble as many rooster testicles, bison boners, and llama anuses as their stomachs can handle in 60 seconds, then suffer Joe Rogan's smug giggles when they inevitably vomit?" Then we realized it's not nice to laugh at self-destructive impulses that we don't understand, so we'll wish them luck, hoping that the thought of the million dollar prize helps them keep down that nasty goulash of animal junk as they're being dropped off a skyscraper in a Ford Focus. Godspeed, etc etc.
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers (that means that we don't write them ourselves, and usually can't be bothered to proofread them, either). Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (putting “privacywatch” or “sighting” in the subject line helps make sure they’re not devoured by the spam filter) and let the world know how fitting you think it is that Elijah Wood drives a Mini.
· Ben Affleck is in "talks" to write and produce the TV drama Resistance for Touchstone, apparently hedging his bets in case this acting stuff doesn't pan out. [Variety]
· Shockingly, Fox's probe into American Idol judge Paula Abdul's alleged conflict-causing coaching/boinking of former contestant Corey Clark turns up no wrongdoing, but the network plans to crack down on future judge-pitchy singer fraternization by affixing alarms to the genitals of all AI staff. [THR]
· The Island attempts to become something of a smaller disaster through the foreign box office, beating out Charlie and the Chocolate Factory this weekend. [Variety]
· As the clock approaches midnight on December 31st and Ryan Seacrest hugs New Year's Rockin' Eve co-host Dick Clark a little too tightly, microphones will probably not pick up Seacrest's whispered New Year's wishes to his mentor, "I thought I got rid of you for good last year, but this time I've burned that picture in your attic, old man. You'll be dead before the ball's finished dropping." [THR]
· V does execu shuffle, longtime staffer becomes ed, Bart remains chief. Eh, can we really bring ourselves to care? [Variety]
· Despite being fired off the Brooke Shields MOW, Johnny Drama's quote proves too costly for producers, who opt for Karl Urban to play the lead in Viking remake Pathfinder. [THR]
Even in an article about 40 Year Old Virgin star Steve Carrell's ascendance from Daily Show player to above-the-title comedy star, a piece that has nothing to do with Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo or any of Rob Schneider's other films, the sensitive, beleaguered SNL alum must suffer the malicious slings and gratuitous arrows of journalists using him as a tossed-off punchline. From the NY Times (bold ours):
Egotastic has some pictures of Tara Reid in Croatia, where she was shooting Wild On Tara/Taradise*, though this picture** seems to suggest that she was having a black-market stomach constructed entirely of leftover Soviet tank parts installed. CityRag helpfully labels the topography of Reid's Frankentummy, but we think those mysterious lumps are handy pockets for the easy storage of tiny, emergency bottles of liquor lifted from an airplane bar cart.
It seems like an eternity has passed since The Island bombed so spectacularly, leaving behind a crater of ugly finger-pointing and ass-saving recriminations. It was the marketing! The actors weren't stahs, I tells ya! In today's Page Six, Scarlett Johansson instructs her flack to extend a defiant bird back at the movie's producers for questioning her bonafides:
Like rolling over on Monday morning and discovering that the struggling actress you thought you'd blown off after that fifth tequila shot is drooling on your pillow, the weekend box office numbers:
· Immediately stop what you're doing and get a good pre-happy hour buzz going with the incredible Tara Reid Drinking Game from the bored geniuses at Liquid Generation. We've already taken it for a test drive, and we must say, Reid is a formidble opponent.
· You've lost hours daydreaming about what it might be like to inherit Paul Rudd's cellphone number, but now you can read about what it's really like.
· The origin of the Ben Affleck Chair...revealed! Turns out it was an expensive gift from Kevin Smith.
· A Christopher Walken run for president in 2008 could almost—almost!—get us out to vote. [via Screenhead]
· At least Sony doesn't have any illusions about the quality of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. "'Movies don't have to be "Gone With the Wind" if they are entertaining,' said Geoff Ammer, Sony's president of worldwide marketing."
Friday
· Music round-up: Avril Levigne at the Greek (we know there are closet AL fans lurking around here, don't be ashamed); Shelby Lynne at Avalon; and just to add to the scattershot nature of this group, Institute at the Roxy, featuring Gavin "Mr. Gwen Stefani" Rossdale (we're all about the "nicknames" today, aren't we?). We loved him as a pretty demon in Constantine.
· Found magazine, that fascinating compednium of other people's lost notes, gets a filthier edge as Dirty Found. Get your fill of stumbled-upon raunch at the Steve Allen Theater.
Saturday
· Generously bearded comedy wildman Zach Galifianakis is throwing a book party at Largo, which we're told means he will sign any book you bring along. We've also been led to believe that Fiona Apple might be performing, but don't hold us to anything after the first sentence in this item.
· What does 2005 Los Angeles Tofu Festival need to kick it into overdrive? That's right: TOFUZILLA, perhaps the least terrifying of all the giant monsters that once ran roughshod over Tokyo.
Sunday
· The Comic Book and Science Fiction Convention at the Shrine Auditorium Expo Center will be just like ComicCon, but without the three hour drive to San Diego and comparatively devoid of asskissing Hollywood types trying to kowtow to tastemaking nerds.
· Get drunk while watching Miranda July's critically acclaimed Me and You and Everyone We Know, courtesy of your pals at the ArcLight. Great idea...now if there were only some way to replicate this experience at home...
Consider these weekend box office projections as you stare at your watch, convinced that will help you reach beer o'clock a little faster:
Now is the time when we take a break from the nonstop celeb-baiting action to offer thanks to our advertisers, without whom we wouldn't be able to have exciting, exciting giveaways like the one below. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the kinds of consumers whose love for spending money on your product or service is second only to their love of adorable kittens, see this page.
The Official Defamer Party Phone-Cam Photographer snapped this blurry pic of omnisexual menace Andy Dick and Jason "In Matters Of Instant Ignominy, I Recommend Marrying Britney Spears For 55 Hours Over Canoodling With A She-Male" at an event at the Highlands club for something (quite appropriately) called Lovesac. Moments after the pic was snapped, a quick-thinking cocktail waiter sacrificed his body by throwing himself between the actor and the Spears fame-oddity, knowing that if they ever touched, the ensuing C-lister-pseudocelebrity reaction would instantly claim the lives of the nearby Pimp My Ride crew.
· Does beating your already "lowered expectations" constitute "good news"? If you're DreamWorks Animation and the news doesn't involve losing more money (here, it's Madagascar products helping the bottom line), it's good enough. [Variety]
· Bad contract or house payment due? Bill Murray is in negotiations to once again voice the world's favorite lasagna-gulping cat in Garfield 2. [THR]
· Chinese authorities relent and will let Desperate Housewives through its Great Wall of Programming, insuring that the world's most populous nation will think that all Americans are horny soap-opera actors with nicely manicured front lawns. [Variety]
· David E. Kelley generates buzz at NBC by giving morning talk shows the Ally McBeal treatment. Not so long ago, the performance of his The Law Firm reality series generated so much buzz that they had to demote it to Bravo. [THR]
· Westworld, the sci-fi remake put on hold when attached star Arnold Scwhwzenegger quite inconveniently was elected governor of California, is once again "a go." And should he or the people decide that he's a crappy politician, Arnold may use it as a comeback vehicle. [Variety]
· MTV refuses to let Wilmer Valderrama slip away into total obscurity, greenlights his "yo mama" joke competition show. Sometimes we're so happy that we've passed out of their target audience. [THR]
We're a little late on these death notices, but we thought that if we threw in this headline about the already-deceased Lucille Ball, we might trick the Celebrity Reaper into thinking he's already claimed the inevitable third victim before he ruined someone else's weekend.
No matter what circumstances led to the dissolution of the orphan-sheltering family who received a new house on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, a headline reading "Five Oprhans From Home Makeover Show Sue" looks pretty bad, and the conjured images of crying, parentless children standing out on the street as a Makeover truck pulls away must be inducing aneurysms in ABC's PR staff. From AP:
