It seems like only yesterday that crazed fans at Sundance were shouting "I want to have your baby" to Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder. Now we can only picture him responding by handing his fans coupons for 15% off a delicious Double Fudge Cookie Dough Blizzard® at participating Dairy Queen locations, then half-heartedly mumbling something about how ligers are the only creatures that can handle the new, "more intense" fudge.

· It's true: we are so very, very glib. But we think this theoretical t-shirt could be a huge seller now that The Cruise has discovered the internets.
· Pop quiz: Is this profoundly disturbing, hilarious, or incredibly hot? The best things in life are always a nice melange of all three. (BTW, they're casting.
· Brothel-blogging brother Gridskipper might have too much time on his hands if he can break down the Wild On Tara premiere in such painstaking detail: "Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers’ semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera. Drinks: 53/Tara Drinks: 7/Pours: 5"
· "Then I looked up at him and said, 'We're doing a live show here and there's probably hundreds of people out there right now calling the police to come down on this building, just so you know." [via BoingBoing]

· We're pretty sure these shows are all sold out (please, who would be caught dead at a show they can actually get into?), but where there's a will (or a wildly inflated scalper's price), there's a way: Our Lady of Peace at Viper Room; Sigur Ros at the Avalon; one more chance to bring your Liz Phair fantasies to life at the Troubadour.
· Are you really tired of that special person in your life remarking that you're "too straight"? Check out this bad boy at the W in Westwood: "Men's Home Entertaining 101 Workshop - Male Finesse...Fabulous."
· There is always room for more walking and/or art in your life, so take a guided tour of the Downtown Art Walk.

Your guesses are in! But first, recirculate (Two) Bad-Boy Blind Vices:

How is Amanda Scheer Demme, hott scenemaking proprietress of the Celebrity Salad-Tossing Lounge at Tropicana Bar, supposed to court the greatandinteresting when she's being undermined by her associates at the Roosevelt Hotel? At $119 a night ($30 more for a deluxe upgrade), every trailer dweller from Oklahoma will descend upon her A-list cocoon and demand to shotgun Busch Lite from what's left of Nicole Richie's butt cleavage.

Attention concerned parents, media watchdogs, or any upstanding Americans who spend at least an hour a day Googling the phrase "more evidence of our country's moral decay": Some billboards for R-rated comedies, like the one featuring the fictional Deuce Bigalow artfully posed in front of the world's biggest off-kilter phallus, may not clearly reflect the movie's adults-only ratings.

Following up on yesterday's post about the overcrowded, clusterfucktastic Pretty Persuasion premiere, an after-party attendee reports that the post-screening soiree had its own set of problems. Here's a tip to anyone on clipboard/bouncing/velvet rope duty: People are less offended when told, "Fuck you, pee-on, I'd eat your puppy and douse you in gasoline before let you in," than "We're only letting celebrities in now." Hollywood's funny that way. One more thing: Bum-rushing the line usually results in more black eyes than free drinks.

Thanks to a Defamer operative with an advance copy of the National Enquirer and a scanner, we can all share in this preview of Matt LeBlanc's most nuanced acting performance, a selection from his one-man show, "Holy Shit, I'll Do A Hundred Stories About Getting Drunkenly Bronsky'd During A Lapdance, I Swear, Just Don't Run The Real Dirt You Have On Me."

· Var: "Rupert Murdoch is really into the internet." Totally! Now that he's acquired MySpace, Murdoch is looking to continue moving boldly into the internet space. May we recommend an immediate purchase of StuffOnMyCat.com? [Variety]
· Production company Roaring Entertainment is suing ABC, Simon Cowell, and Freemantle Media claiming that their Million Dollar Idea was stolen. Actually, it should be a "tens of millions of dollars idea," since that's what the lawsuit is seeking in damages. [THR]
· Hey Dreamworks SpielbergKatzenbergGeffen, in your face! Sort-of stand-alone studio (did they have to mention that News Corp owns a chunk?) Regency Enterprises is thriving while you're hawking your wares to NBC Universal. [Variety]
· The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences gives ABC president Steve McPherson its inaugural "televisionary" award for his work to "advance the cause of diversity in the industry." We hope he doesn't bring Jim Belushi to the awards ceremony. No one wants an "incident." [THR]
· It's nice to see that Herbie: Fully Loaded director Angela Robinson wasn't so scarred by her experience with Linday Lohan that she quit the business. The Lohan-survivor will co-write and direct chick-becomes-cyborg action comedy Genbot for New Line. [Variety]
· There is much rejoicing at the Bing: HBO may tack on an additional 10 episodes to the end of The Sopranos' upcoming, final season. [THR

Wherein we invite our readers to smoke the "flavored" blind item tobacco from humpy E! gossip-swami Ted Casablanca's hookah and, in the ensuing period of visionary clarity, divine the identity of this week's naughty celebrity. Since it's been about ten minutes since Casablanca's made a trip to Toothy Tile territory, we were long overdue for another Ted bi-boy travelogue. Inhale (Two) Bad-Boy Blind Vices:

Lately, it's seemed like The Firm's been shedding high-level managers and talent like skin at a leper colony backscratching contest (big names recently out the door include Natalie Portman, Orlando Bloom, Laura Linney, Brittany Murphy*, SMGFPJ, and others), but "allies" of the management company play the departures as more of a goldbricker-purge by CEO Jeff Kwatinetz than rats instinctually abandoning a sinking ship. The NY Times runs The Firm through the inevitable spin/countspin cycle that comes with a Hollywood player losing its heat:

According to Page Six, Matt LeBlanc is making a truly bizarre confession in this week's National Enquirer—and we say "bizarre" not only because LeBlanc is cooperating with the tabloid, but because he makes the activities of a pretty standard lap dance sound as strange and unexpected ("Why does the naked lady keep pushing her boobs in my face???") as a baby elephant in a tutu beating him off in the champagne room:

We hope we didn't miss anyone (please note we don't care about Kimora Lee Simmons)...at the moment, it looks like Andy Dick and Whitney Houston are clear of any drug-related court actions, but the day is still young.

· Did Eddie Murphy's wife file for divorce because he's not enough fun? You know, the kind of fun that doesn't involve the tranny hookers.
· Our pals at TVGasm scored some pretty sweet pics of the Laguna Beach kids at their prom. We've fallen woefully behind on the second season, so we have no idea who the hoo-er in the yellow dress is.
· Our degenerate blog-brothers from Oddjack and Gridskipper got together to handicap various odds related to Tara Reid's hosting of Wild On Tara, like the 3/1 chance that drunken Americans in Pamplona successfully exhort the hostess to flash the Frankenboobs.
· LAist thinks it's discovered the best waiter in Los Angeles at a Chevy's in Glendale. More amazingly, it seems that this super-waiter has never been a cast member of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

· It's probably just a big tease to even list this event, but we must note that Liz Phair is playing a sold out show at the Troubadour. Get ye to your favorite scalper or Craigslist extortionist, for there is no price too high to pay for the chance to be fifteen feet from indie rock's original sex goddess.
· The LA Press Club is throwing a party for Freaks & Geeks visionary Paul Feig at the Grafton Hotel, where he'll read from his new book, Superstud: Or How I Became a 24-Year-Old Virgin, while others drink booze and chow on finger foods near the pool. RSVP info here.
· Ye Olde Renaissance Faire types get the comedic buggering they so richly deserve at the new Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre on Franklin tonight in Rennie!. Brush up on your Middle English swear words and join in the funne.

On the National Review's The Corner blog, According to Jim producer Warren Bell outlines the interesting dilemma of diversity-casting his show: Is it better to let ATJ continue on its current, alarmingly high honky-density, or to risk star Jim Belushi cold-cocking a slumming David Alan Grier in the name of better minority representation?

God bless Lindsay Lohan, the one person in this world whose public statements never, ever let us down. Once she gets her breasts back (she's working on it!), we're going to nuzzle ourselves in her bosom, where nothing can hurt us. From the always reliable WENN/IMDb:

From the multiple reports we've gotten surrounding last night's clusterfucky premiere of Pretty Persuasion and a screening of The Aristocrats that would've been unremarkable if not for the incredibly conspicuous presence of a munchies-afflicted Keanu Reeves (in a motorcycle helmet, no less), it seems like everyone was at the ArcLight last night.

With dreams jobs like this one available to any attractive go-getter with a drive to succeed and the hands of a Swedish-trained angel, we don't know why anyone would waste their time pursuing Tinseltown dreams that don't involve kneading out the knots (does an erect penis count as a knot?) in a stressed executive's muscles:

Page Six, a column in the NY Post, a publication unaffiliated with Defamer and parent company Gawker Media Internet Concern, reports that a "black canvas" was erected on the shoot of [name of movie redacted] so that [name or actor redacted] wouldn't be observed passing between a soundstage and his trailer. Says Page Six: