· You think the insanity outside Kitson was an accident? Here's 10 reasons why Paris Hilton is a business genius.
· Today's star-studded Merv Griffin funeral featured best fag-hag Nancy Reagan (in—gasp!—white), and a Seacrest-in-mourning, working the same fierce sunglasses as his blonde companion.
· Join the crusade to halt filming downtown, possibly saving Nicole Kidman from untold injury.
· We forget: Are The Buzzcocks playing the Giant Juiced Dong stage or the Glistening Tube stage?
· And finally, enjoy this all-kitten reenactment of poorly received Body Snatchers remake, The Invasion.

As much as we'd like to see our favorite celebrity marriages succeed, the sad truth is that the majority of romantic unions featuring one or more paparazzi-targets will end in crushing disappointment, as the two slowly come to realize that the disparity in their per-picture asking prices has wedged a permanent rift between them. Still, like so many other blatantly obvious yet unspoken Hollywood truths, that fact is never actually addressed. Instead, we get familiar clichés like "irreconcilable differences," and publicist mainstay, "the two remain great friends"—all of which makes the former Mr. Uma Thurman's candidness on the subject at a recently taped episode of Shootout all the more refreshing:

You may at some point in your local travels have stumbled upon the art of prvtdncr: Working primarily in spraypaint on somebody-else's-building, the sloganeering graffiti artist throws up provocative phrases that are meant to hold a magnifying makeup mirror up to certain, unseemly facts about the true nature of Hollywood. As our friends at The WOW Report point out, BUTT magazine's current L.A.-themed issue devotes eight pages to some of his creations, including a less-than-generous sentiment regarding the Most Powerful Gay in the Universe.

Friday
· The Anthony Project premieres at the O'Melveny Gallery, a multimedia exhibition that "explores how terminal cancer affects all whom it touches, beginning with the patient and radiating outward," and which pays tribute to cancer victim Anthony Glass, who died in July of 2006. More info here.
· Music round-up: Brodie Hubbard at M Bar; Buzzcocks at Spaceland; Golden State at the Viper Room.
· Some young Hollywood go-getters would like to invite you to spend a relaxing evening at Ritual with the 1,400 or so of the industry assistants who replied in the affirmative to this Evite.

This unwanted e-mail pitch will keep you up-to-date on exciting developments in the celebrity robomassage space: "Human Touch - the U.S. leader in robotic massage technology - is making Hollywood sit down and take notice. Along with Sarah Michelle Geller, Elisha Cuthbert, Sarah Chalke, Kristen Bell and Maggie Grace, the massage chair company was a special guest Thursday night in Beverly Hills, CA for the summer's hottest party, InStyle's Summer Soiree. Guests were able to relax in one of two HT 2720 massage chairs, eliciting ooh's and ahh's from everyone who tried them. The chairs were a big hit with the guests; even Kelsey Grammer and his wife Camille both took a turn in the chairs and raved about how amazing the massage was!"

Frequent visitors of this site know all too well that there is nothing in life we enjoy more than online slideshows and lists that seek to rank the influence enjoyed by members of selected Hollywood groups once they've subtracted out all the straight, white males who run the entertainment industry.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Sarah Connor at a 7-11.

This has now landed in our inbox enough times over the past two weeks that we can no longer ignore it, even though this Efron person is of virtually zero interest to us. Still: He's very tan! [zacefronpleasestoptanning.blogspot.com/]

It's truly a day for the velvet-bound history books, for not one, but three entertainment giants harboring some of the worst-kept secrets in showbiz have been thrust from their anally-arranged, glass-doored closets. First, in a eulogy appearing in today's THR (it's on pg. 9, but has gone missing from the website—screengrab of the blog version here), Ray Richmond matter-of-factly discusses Merv Griffin's sexuality:

Join us, dear friends, in the weekly foot rub we give our sponsors in exchange for all the beautiful ads they've delivered to us over the preceding seven days. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and feel our strong hands on your barking dogs, see this page.

· Jamie Foxx effectively pre-nominates himself for a future Oscar by signing on to star in the DreamWorks drama The Soloist, based on a true story of Nathan Ayers, a homeless, schizophrenic Julliard dropout who plays his violin and cello on the streets of downtown LA, and who developed a special friendship with LAT columnist Steve Lopez. Our hearts are already warmed on the logline alone. [Variety]
· We're overjoyed by the news that HBO has picked up Flight of the Conchords (for our money, the funniest show on TV) for a second season, but thoroughly ambivalent that Entourage is getting a fifth. [THR]
· Former ICMer Ed Limato and his A-list roster of clients (Denzel Washington, Mel Gibson, Richard Gere, Steve Martin, Michael Biehn. Wait, Michael Biehn?) end up at William Morris. But most importantly, Limato and new boss Jim Wiatt are still deciding whether or not they'll continue the agent's geriatric pre-Oscar blowout. [Variety]
· Scarlett Johansson is trying to book every available job in town before the strike hits. [THR]
· Dakota Fanning will team up with Djimon Hounsou and that guy from the Fantasic Four (the firey one, not the rubbery one, we think) on the thriller Push, about "a group of young American ex-pats with telekinetic and clairvoyant abilities who hide from a U.S. government agency in Hong Kong and band together to try to escape the control of the division." Whew, no mention of rape. We're relieved Fanning's doing something lighter and not revisiting that regrettable phase of her career. [Variety]

Fellow celebrity SCRAM endorser Tracy Morgan publicly offers himself as a sober shoulder for thrice-rehabbing starlet Lindsay Lohan to cry on. It seems like Morgan's been keeping it together, but we're a little scared about what might happen if these two ever meet, especially if a car is involved. [NY Daily News]

While some may attribute Paris Hilton's recent string of lightly charitable acts of calculated kindness to her crack team of image-rehabilitative professionals, there's no denying the heiress's sincere commitment to another area of her endeavors: The affixing of her name to crappy products. Now, in addition to Paris Hilton perfume, records, and cellphone videogames, comes the Paris Hilton clothing collection, every item lovingly constructed by the tiny hands of Vietnam's most talented sweatshop toddlers. Its debut last night, at celebrity trend-whoring temple Kitson (who donated 20% of the day's sales to charity—way to get into the giving-back spirit, guys!), caused a near riot on Robertson Blvd.:

[Note: exciting updates are after the jump!] Continuing our ongoing series on mysterious stenches that occasionally terrorize the Greater Los Angeles Area, we pass along this breaking tip from an operative puzzled by an unpleasant odor at a local news outfit:

Steven Seagal, star of such three-word-titled, aikido-enhanced blockbuster entertainments as Above the Law, Hard to Kill, and Out for Justice, thinks that the FBI's overzealousness in drawing him into the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century (you may or may not remember the claims that he had something to do with the intimidation of a reporter who was working on some stories the actor may not have thoroughly enjoyed) is to blame for his career never reaching the stratospheric heights achieved by early 1990s peer Jean-Claude Van Damme. Seagal reaches out to the LAT with his hopes for an apology from the feds:

· Britney Spears: making the world safe for the bisexual experimentation of young women everywhere.
· Whoopsie! Who put that bad, bad word behind that nice drunk lady's head?
· Why isn't Mandy Moore more like Lindsay Lohan? The drugs, we'd imagine.
· This woman is obviously blinded by love: "Brooke Mueller is afraid to let fiancé Charlie Sheen see her upcoming flick, Strictly Sexual. The beauty was overheard at the Sunset Tower in L.A. saying, 'Charlie is such a great actor, it's like serving food to a gourmet cook.'"

More than any celebutard hotspot, it's the Polaroid Beach House in Malibu that's become the default destination for Hollywood scenewhores and B-listers (and even a dash of A-!) looking to spend some leisure time comingling among their own kind. Until now, our views of Lindsay Lohan Relapse Ground Zero have only been from afar—but no longer: People.com has posted this informative video, in which Jonathan Silverman of...uh...The Single Guy?...and his lovely wife Mrs. Jonathan Silverman offer us a tour of the comfy, corporate-branded property.

It seemed inevitable that the GLAAD-led protest of former Sopranos star Joseph "Gay Vito" Gannascoli's endorsement of the billiards implement used to rape and murder his leather-loving TV character would quickly lead to the removal of the item from his "To Die For" line of merchandise (and its establishment as an instant collectors' item—the cues should be hitting eBay any minute). Indeed, TV Week reports that the manufacturer has already yanked it from their website and that the actor has issued the necessary mea culpa:

· Music round-up: Patti Smith at the Santa Monica Pier; Irving at Echoplex; Public Enemy at House of Blues; The Detroit Cobras at the Troubadour.
· If you missed it last week, tonight you have another chance to see cheerleader-despoiling porn classic Debbie Does Dallas reinterpreted as a musical at the Key Club.
· The A+D Museum hosts a screening of One Night With You, a noir indie set and shot in Echo Park. Cocktails and a Q&A to follow.

Jim Carrey, once the best-remunerated butt-ventriloquist and Method urinator of his Hollywood generation, has just signed a deal for new comedy Yes Man that's so financially risky that the project's failure could result in the actor having to sell his 10,000-square-foot ski chalet on the Sultan of Brunei's favorite indoor, manmade mountain. Carrey, reports DHD's Nikki Finke, will be getting his entire reward on the back end: