—"Kevin: And watch that bling. I ain't going back to Zales if you lose it."
—The "secret" to how a couple of black guys became such dread-inspiring facsimiles of white chicks? The "upper lip," not a bucketful of white paint.
—36-year-old Mira Sorvino marries a 22-year-old actor. We smell a knocking-up!
—It's not our fault Sony is too poor to finally finish off their purchase of MGM. Think MGM will take food stamps, some of those cute electronic dogs, and a couple of Spider-Man 2 lunch boxes to close the deal? [reg. req'd.]

As Michael Moore jogs a victory lap around the country, his web site has photos from fans who attended this weekend's crowded showings of Fahrenheit 9/11. Can you identify these packed LA-area theaters? Photo #1: "Hollywood." More after the jump.

Filthy sister site Fleshbot tips us to this German site, which features a story about Paris Hilton purchasing her own "unauthorized" porn video, 1 Night In Paris, here in LA. (Fleshbot also helpfully provides the Babelfish translation of the site.) Click on the picture to see the unfiltered German site (and a larger picture of Paris admiring Paris), with whom we heartily agree: "The private Schmuddel tie-clip is meanwhile the Sex Seller of the yearly."

An eagle-eyed reader ID's Disney CEO Michael Eisner at The Grove, observing a throng waiting to get into Fahrenheit 9/11. (For those of you just arriving from a two-month stay in a sensory deprivation tank, it's the movie he wouldn't let Disney-owned Miramax release.)

The following reader report on a brush with Meathead's Erstwhile Bride seems terribly unfair to us. If a celebrity lends the significant weight of her name to a just cause, does that mean she surrenders the right to the prompt claiming of her baggage at the carousel? We think not. For shame, reader.

If you're anything like us, tossing and turning each night, tortured by a longing to send IMs to Punk'd impersario/possible Demi impregnator Ashton Kutcher that read "OMG u r so totally hott! Y r u banging that old bag of bones?", relief may be just an eBay auction away. A desperate auctioneer claims to be violating a friend's confidence and offering up Kutcher's screen name to the highest bidder.

In the proud, statistics-crazy tradition of The Number Of Fucks In Deadwood, the Lasangafarm blog has the Six Feet Under: Sex Acts Roundup, proving you can keep stats on HBO shows with one hand. And considering the show takes place in a funeral home, the sex list is refreshingly necrophilia-free.

We wanted to take the easy route and title this "Yet Another Reason To Avoid The Valley." But that's just simplistic and a tad clichéd. What if Paris is coming to Odyssey Video in North Hollywood, just like any other porn star promoting a new release? If she were, maybe we could drop by and get her to sign our ass, slap us in the face with her goodies, or pose in a compromising position for a twenty-dollar Polaroid. Fox is really missing out on a golden opportunity for marketing The Simple Life 2. Since they couldn't talk her into starring in another video, they might as well milk the promotional possibilites of the first one.

MSNBC's Jeanette Walls offers us a double shot of Kabbalah nonsense to kick off the week. The Kabbalah Centre will soon put out a "user's guide" for the red string bracelet that supposedly keeps its wearer safe from the evil eye. They're also planning a billboard on Sunset Boulevard to promote the book; quite logically, the billboard will be wrapped in a gigantic red string, protecting the huge advertisement from the heebie-jeebies projected by the legion of motorists and homeless that will gaze upon it each day. No doubt the "user's guide" will include tips on how to accessorize the red string with other de rigeur Hollywood fashions, like the Von Dutch hat, Ugg boots, and the Scientology mind-control implant scar.

On Friday, word got out that Britney Spears is engaged to dancer Kevin Federline. Today, without regard for our hangover or the sanctity of Monday morning, the British Sky News passes along a report by News of the World claiming that Britney has a cheese doodle in the oven. The story: Spears is due to pop out a baby around Christmas and wants to be married before then so that Santa doesn't withold her presents for having a bastard.

We admit it: We were wrong, we were wrong, we were wrong. But what do we know? We're still driving around in a 1983 Jetta with a Mondale/Ferraro bumper sticker.

—Side-By-Side Comparative Picture Day continues at Defamer. This time, it's the curious resemblance of The OC's Adam Brody to Michael Jackson.
—Malis In Wonderland reviews some celebrity charity "artwork." Obvs: Hilary Duff draws at an eight-year-old level.
—NY media bitching post Gawker bags the NYT's surprisingly thoughtful memo announcing the stealing hiring of Manohla Dargis from the LAT.
—Gary Coleman impersonator rampages through DC! Wonkette is there, with camphone pics.

In its admirably succinct entirety, a Variety birth announcement:

Blogger So Says I ventures to Century City for some lunch and reports on the chaos of the Clinton book signing at the mall's Brentano's. So far, no casualities:

LA.com's Laurie Pike blogs about last night's LA Film Fest party for DIG!, the documentary about the rivalry between the Brian Jonestown Massacre and the Dandy Warhols. The showing was predictably littered with hipsters (but who did we expect to be there, the Octogenarian Blue Plate Special Club from Nibblers?), and Pike rips them a new set of holes for their ironic t-shirts:

Whatever drugs the doctors have prescribed for her ailing knee have finally kicked in, as ETonline reports that Britney Spears is now engaged to her dancer boyfriend/tattoo BFF, Kevin Federline. We're, like, totally on IM with all of our bestest friends, reveling in the happy news! Check out this excerpt from the official Gawker Media AIM window:

Sony's marketing gurus and White Chicks' make-up artists must have collaborated to try and tap the ticket-buying power of the "female masking" demographic. If only Michael Moore had donned the Alice on Leno...

Not everyone is a "Hollywood Liberal" with a hard-on for forking over their money to Michael Moore. So for the more rightward leaning in our midst, here's how we see the weekend playing out, with an eye on where to spend your conservative box-office dollar.

A reader attends a midnight showing of Fahrenheit 9/11 at the Cinerama Dome in Hollywood so that we can go straight to bed after the emotional exhaustion of Celebrity Poker Showdown. Drudge should be thrilled; Michael Moore's gotta look really fucking huge stretched across that enormous screen.

High-minded sister site Gawker hears a rumor that Mary-Kate Olsen is checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Sundance, whose specialties lie in areas other than eating disorders. If her high-priced clinic doesn't offer adequate eating disorder treatment facilities, maybe she and her fellow patients can improvise like we do at parties in Hollywood and open a "weight-loss support group" in the bathroom.