Blogging.la's Sean Bonner rants his way through a recent, ill-advised trip to the retarded stepchild of Los Angeles theme parks, Universal Studios Hollywood:

Odyssey Video's Brentwood store on Wilshire decides to class up the neighborhood with a yellow sign announcing Paris' debut, available for both rental and sale. Now that celebutante camcorder doggy-styling has invaded this side of the Hills, West Side parents can take some measure of solace in the difference between their spoiled daughters and the inimitable Miss Hilton: They know to erase their sex tapes.

Leave it to the LAT to suck all of the sexy out of Mary-Kate Olsen's' recent headlines, running an AP story on the challenges facing the twins' brand as they grow up and take more responsibility for the Dualstar empire.

Towleroad encourages us to throw out our Von Dutch hats as they herald the arrival of Bull's Balls. But we think there's a different, tired trend ripe for replacement. Instead of adorning our SUV, let's show a pair of red balls to Madonna. Once she dangles a pair in front of the Kabbalah Centre high command, they'll rush to create a line of evil-eye repelling chin-protectors.

Fox's heavily-touted scheduling "revolution" (presenting new shows year-round ) isn't exactly storming the Bastille of traditional programming. Right now, they're just hanging out in the cafe, eating the stinky cheese of a fourth-place finish, and preaching patience with the new format. And it sounds like the revolutionaries are getting a little demoralized by the discouraging early returns. In an AP story, Fox spokesman Scott Grogin whines, "You can't start an entirely new way of programming a network and expect it to come out of the gate like gangbusters, especially in the summer."

Now that Mira Sorvino is through playing Pin the Wedding Band on the Cheesecake Factory-type waiter/struggling actor, it's time to get to know her new hubby. He's a graduate of Shawnee Mission East high school (senior picture at left) in an affluent Kansas City suburb. According to a source who attended the school while Backus was there, he was "one out of ten or fifteen in a class of 450" to skip on the college experience. But no worries, spurring academia didn't slow him down with the women of Hollywood.

Courtroom cabaret act/grunge-singing harridan Courtney Love's website, the place to turn for All Things Courtney when the police blotter just isn't enough, is offline due to lack of funds. A message on the site explains that their "server has been suspended, and we need to come up with $5,000 to get it back online." Let's make it happen! CL fans need a place where they can discuss her salad days, which began with the assault on Madonna at the MTV Music Awards and ended when she gave that guy at Wendy's a chance to play "What flavor is my nipple?"

According to today's Page Six, Mary-Kate Olsen's rep "vehemently denies" that the twin is behind the rehab eight-ball for cocaine addiction, despite today's report in Star magazine. He calls the story "absolutely false" and that the Olsen's anorexia-loving, blow-denouncing lawyers are "evaluating their options." By coming out so strongly against the drug addiction story, their message to America's multimillionaire twins is crystal clear: It's OK to starve yourself until your parents send you away for a fabulous spa vacation in Utah.

—"Hey, I've already made enough money from my Bush-baiting, box-office darling polemic. Sure, go ahead and take it for free!" (via BoiFromTroy)
—"Jolly good. Now let's see Mr. Moore dig up some video of Tony Blair playing golf and slaughtering the mother tongue, then we'll have something."
—"Let's see...'Cocaine is a hell of drug.' Yup, got that in. 'I'm Rick James, bitch!' Uh huh, got that one in there. What else does a superfreak gotta do to completely transform himself into a Dave Chappelle parody?"
—"Shit, I told those hookers not to swallow any of that dynamite in my goddamn hottub. Think, man, think! Be cool like you're closing a seven-figure deal at Universal. Fuck, how am I gonna hide the bodies?! Oh...those are just neoprene replicas of genitalia floating in a kiddie pool. No worries." (NSFW)

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS), the organization of entertainment professionals and dance-number-inflicting sadists behind the yearly Oscar broadcast, have for the first time publicized their list of invitees to the organization. Academy President Frank Pierson thinks that the publication of the list honors the recipients of the invitations and reflects some sort of new, more-stringent standard for acceptance into their magic club, blah blah blah. We just can't wait until someone leaks us Sean Penn's urine-soaked doodle of an extended middle finger over the "No" box.

Poking around in Mira Sorvino's bridal registry reminded us that another blonde in a pink mu-mu recently got engaged. Might the eager bride have already set up a registry of her own? We discovered that soon-to-be-married pop-stars are so rich and famous that they don't even have to register—their resourceful fans will handle it for them! There are 8 registries for Brit-Brit on WeddingChannel.com, running the retail gamut from JC Penney's to Williams-Sonoma. There's one for Spears and Vegas wedding-chapel fodder Jason Alexander, one for an unknown fiancé, four for ostensible Spears devirginizer Justin Timberlake (in one, she's "Brittany"), and two for, well, let's call them "superfans" and leave the police out of it, OK?

It's still only Tuesday, but Variety is going to have to try very hard to write a headline filthier than this one before the holiday weekend is upon us:

Since Mira Sorvino waited until yesterday to tell the world that she got married, we don't feel bad showing the world her (supposed) Tiffany's bridal registry today. Don't worry, there are still plenty of items on the registry waiting for your purchase. (That means no excuses, Travolta!) It only seems like she has everything an actress in the decline phase of her career could want: an Oscar for tolerating Woody Allen's shriveled genitals, intimate knowledge of Quentin Tarantino's "technique," and a 22-year-old husband to agree in between levels of Mario Kart that there just aren't any good roles for women in their thirties anymore.

Fahrenheit 9/11's distributors are complaining that the MPAA is disallowing a quote by Roger Ebert caddy Richard Roeper that it wanted to use in its ad campaign. The offending quote: "Everyone should see this film." You see, F 9/11 lost a ratings appeal and carries an R rating, so the MPAA interprets that "everyone" as a call to violate the age restriction the rating carries. According to THR, a conference call to anti-piracy vigilante Jack Valenti did not persuade the MPAA head to allow the quote. "Clearly, telling 'everyone' to see a film with an 'R' rating is an unabashed call to criminality," said the enraged Valenti. "If we were to allow this endorsement of age-blind anarchy, the nation's renegade seventeen-year-olds would abandon their marijuana-selling posts by the mall Pac-Man machines and turn their local cinematheques into sodomy-filled, psychotropic sock-hops. We cannot allow the children to download the movie into their brains!"

Tomorrow's Star magazine's cover screams about Mary-Kate's trip to rehab: "IT'S DRUGS!" And just in case you didn't get the message and are confused about her stay at Cirque Lodge, the little box above "DRUGS" tells us "IT'S NOT ANOREXIA." We suppose that the editors of Star determined that "SHE'S A COKEHEAD, BITCH!" was a little too harsh for the supermarket checkout scene.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the famous know you're always watching them shop, eat, and travel on commercial airlines.

We can all breathe a little easier now and finally let down our guards against the evil eye. Kabbalah is officially over. Yesterday, MSNBC's Jeannette Walls (undoubtedly to the chagrin of Kabbalah Centre elders) let it slip that peripheral OJ Simpson trial figure Faye Resnick has been spotted skulking around the Centre in LA. Z-Listers mentioned in Kabbalah-related gossip item: Trend on life support.

Official Olsen Twin website mary-kateandashley.com finally breaks its deafening, 'tween soul-crushing silence on Mary-Kate's trip to rehab.

The disintegration of the Lakers dynasty is spreading off the court. Sports site Sports By Brooks reports that a story in this week's National Enquirer claims that Laker/hair model Rick Fox's marriage to singer/Radio Shack pitchwoman Vanessa Williams is over—and they have the pics that supposedly ended it. The pictures are so convincing that Fox's publicist didn't even bother to lie (again)—you know she really, really wanted to—as she admits, "Rick and Vanessa have been headed for divorce for the last 18 months. They've virtually been leading separate lives since then." Maybe the Finals would have turned out differently if coach Phil Jackson had properly utilized Fox's skills and sent the cheat-seeking swing-man into the Pistons' wives section at Staples Center.

According to THR, Al Pacino is in talks to star alongside (really, in this case shouldn't it be "star in a movie that also features") Matthew McConaughey in Two for the Money. McConaughey will read the words in the script indicating that he's a former college football star who falls into the sports gambling business. And Pacino (say it with us now, Hoo-ah!) will play the shady mentor figure who "runs one of the best sports-booking operations in the country." You may know Pacino from his role as a shady mentor figure in, well, everything he's done since The Godfather. Repeat Hoo-ahs as necessary.