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If you're anything like us, tossing and turning each night, tortured by a longing to send IMs to Punk'd impersario/possible Demi impregnator Ashton Kutcher that read "OMG u r so totally hott! Y r u banging that old bag of bones?", relief may be just an eBay auction away. A desperate auctioneer claims to be violating a friend's confidence and offering up Kutcher's screen name to the highest bidder.

My good friend "who will remain nameless" for security reasons, talks to Ashton on a consistant [sic] basis. I got the screename [sic] from my friends [sic] buddy list and have spoken to Ashton myslef [sic] a few times.

He is very friendly but i need the cash so i am selling his screen name against my friends [sic] wishes. He is very friendly but i need the cash so i am selling his screen name against my friends [last sic, we're tired] wishes. If you win the bidding for the screen name dont give it out to your friends. You can im him but dont have 100 people im him. thank you and let the bidding begin

Good luck with your bidding, but realize that we've been authorized to use the full power of the Gawker Media Discretionary Fund (cash value: US$12.87) to win the auction and begin assaulting Ashton with an army of winking emoticons, misspelled innuendo about his sexuality, and obvious plays on the word Punk'd.