—Britney buys flowers to give to finacé Kevin Federline to congratulate him on the birth of his second baby. Really, the second bastard's always the hardest.
—For all of you 90210 archivists, please add this index of photos showing Shannon Doherty's nipples to your pervy collections. [NSFW, via Fleshbot]
—An idea whose time has come: Killing the ugly models and replacing them with the hot kind.
—Two more reasons for Catwoman's certain, horrific failure: Male Halle Berry stunt doubles and "Who the fuck is Benjamin Bratt?"
—Whatevs marvels at the splendor of the ArcLight Cinemas. If Detroit wants $14 movie tickets, we can probably hook that up for them.
—More from Craigslist: I Just Landed the Best Fucking Job in the World!
—As seen on Defamer: Fired CSI actor says he overslept.
—Roseanne up in smoke?

Blogger The Corsair transcribes this Movieline Hollywood Life interview (not available online, apparently) with Christina Applegate, in which she discusses working with Ben Affleck on the upcoming movie Surviving Christmas.

Blogger sturtle imagines a divatastic spat between Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez over the new men in their lives. Sure, that sounds interesting. But the white trash really hits the huge-assed fan when the ghost of Mariah Carey shows up! Here's a taste:

Is that Larry David dining at Xian, the "health-conscious" Beverly Hills Chinese joint (how good can Chinese food be if there's not some danger of your heart bursting through your chest from MSG saturation?), inadvertently captured in the photo for this LA.com profile? It's hard to tell, as Defamer lacks the image-enhancing equipment necessary to say conclusively. But how many older, bald Jewish-looking guys can there be eating Chinese in Beverly Hills?

Every time a flack officially recognizes the death of young love in Hollywood, an angel gets castrated. No, wait. Is that when they lie about a new couple being together or a celebrity pregnancy? We always get these mixed up. In any case, there are now multiple reports that Kirsten Dunst plucked out Jake Gyllenhaal's dreamy eyes two weeks ago and gently rolled them curb-ward, where they can now be picked up by any starlet so inclined. The Sun UK had our favorite headline, which we wished we'd thought up two days ago: KIRSTEN DUMPST.

An appalled reader alerts us to still more evidence of the troubling Ugg-ing of the world. (Searching for "Ugg" on the Neiman Marcus website returns a disturbing array of products). Somewhere, there are designers locked in a moldy basement plotting a takeover: Fuck it, put fur on everything! We'd love to blame the Aussies for this one, but it really stinks of a particularly American kind of evil.

· DreamWorks wants a cash injection, but after a search between Spielberg's sofa cushions failed to turn up enough capital, they've decided to sell public stock in their animation wing. If that doesn't work, look for the studio to slap a pair of stilettos on the diminutive-yet-surprisingly-sultry Jeffrey Katzenberg and "open up a new revenue stream" at a Hollywood fetish club. [THR]

We knew that there were sure to be some truly insidious side-effects to VH1's insistence on prematurely celebrating the 90s. Send your guesses as to the identity of the mystery "Early '90s Emmy-winning boy band" to tips@defamer.com, and help get a handful of harmonizing, synchronized-dancing goldbrickers off of LA's welfare rolls. [Ed. note—We're pretty sure Color Me Badd was a "man band" or "barbershop quartet."]

When Rooftop Report pointed us to this Lime-Light pic of Lindsay Lohan, we immediately knew that the reason we were shaking wasn't because the bedside vodka bottle was empty.

The Defamer correspondent on Australian White Trash Exports Passed Off as High Fashion pleads with us to stop the furry, climate-inappropriate madness that is LA's obsession with Ugg boots (at left, Kate Hudson's legs). Maybe next week we'll see the city's mactress, fashion-victim army pounding cans of Foster's and carrying boomerangs? The trash angle does however completely explain Britney Spears's Ugg fandom.

Maybe this pre-superstar version of Nicole Kidman did have a stylist, but s/he was clearly out of his/her element and obviously more comfortable dressing Aussie lasses for the prom. The fashions of yore were oh so hilarious! Actually, for all we know this picture was taken yesterday, that dress cost $60,000, and adult prom-wear is making a fabulous comeback.

Exactly one week ago, when we remarked that the indie-rock havens of the East Side was under imminent attack by something called "Hollywood," we were rebuked and assured of Adam Goldberg and Christina Ricci's hipster bona fides. Well, how can we put this delicately? Suck it. Unless you've got a guitar in your hand, accepting a VIP pass and lurking around backstage (at the Wiltern!) sure smells like the flushing away of your indie cred (not that we've ever had any, we know we're big fucking poseurs).

—Has today been the gayest day ever? Ugg boots, handbags, Andy Dick, Linda Effing Ronstadt? In the interest of a little breath-of-fresh-air, penis-in-vagina news, please enjoy this story of Justin Timberlake having heterosexual relations with a big-breasted sort-of actress-y type.
—Yes, we've heard all about Michael Jackson's miracle sperm knocking up a surrogate with quads. What is there to say about MJ? To paraphrase genius comedian Patton Oswalt, wake us up when he rapes a werewolf.
—John Litvack, one of the men behind the fresh-faced, whiny teens y'all love watch growing up on the WB, quits/is fired from the network. [sub. req'd.]
—MTV names new Head Teenager in Charge.
—Nearly as good as the "Our Governor Has A Tiny Cock" throw pillow.

Yesterday we couldn't help but overhear Andy Dick tell millions of Howard Stern listeners that he had/is having sex with one of the contestants from his reality show, The Assistant. Knowing that when Andy likes them blonde when he chooses to play around with the girls, we took a stab that it was either Melissa or Tanika. But now we hear a rumor that we tabbed the wrong blonde, and that it was/is lovely Sarah (who "admits to being ultra-feminine and having men fall all over themselves to get her attention") that Dick's "showing the ropes." Ah, to be young, craving camera time, and not afraid of where Andy Dick's been!

Despite a complete lack of interest in spas, sample sales, or doggie couture, we've kept our Daily Candy subscription active just for a day like today, when DC "spotlighted" (i.e. accepted advertising money from) Alexandra Valenti, a "successful screenwriter"/handbag designer. (It's good to have something like fashion design to fall back on.) Not included in the e-mail: Alexandra is the daughter of recently-retired MPAA head/sworn pirate-hunter Jack Valenti. She's named a bag after mother Mary Margaret and sister Courtenay, but wouldn't it be nice if she did one for daddy as a retirement gift?

For just $259-$349 a night (depending on the season), YOU can rent a replica of Britney Spears's Louisiana bedroom at Boston's Onyx Hotel. That's just pennies a minute to indulge all of your filthy, Britney-centered fantasies: Sleep in a bed somewhat like Britney's, reenact the sexual acrobatics of her Vegas honeymoon (with the helpful transcript provided by her husband of 55 hours, Jason Alexander), and collapse, sated, in a sticky pile of empty Red Bull cans, ginseng bottles, and orange Cheeto dust. Only actually being devirginized by Justin Timberlake could be better!

Hollywood PrivacyWatch sightings are sent in by readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Tom Cruise know that to step out in public is to be a target for a catty e-mail about his hair, his height, or his fashion sense.

Jake Gyllenhaal's caught turning his dreamy-eyed X-rays onto a Sparkle Motion dancer by Variety's camera at Thursday night's Egyptian Theater premiere of the Donnie Darko director's cut. Or is he just trying to explain what the fuck is actually going on in Darko? Either way, nice move: In Hollywood, a good way to get laid is to a) be famous or b) talk about your incomprehensible indie film until someone fucks you just to shut you up.

· HBO's Entourage snagged a second season pick-up before the first episode even aired. Young Hollywood just can't stop blowing itself, and won't have to for another year! [THR]
· Fox Drama drama: Quan Phung to 20th TV Comedy, Peter Johnson to hang with McG, Ted Gold escapes from Spelling TV to take his place, Susan Levison upped to VP. We can't follow any of that either, and we passed out from boredom halfway through typing it. [THR]
· Heather Graham rolls into an 8 episode arc on Scrubs, playing a psychiatrist whose "personal life will be a train wreck." We love it when actors really stretch themselves. [THR]
· Let Bill Gates entertain you. Microsoft looks to monopolize technology in Hollywood with the appointment of former Universal Television & Networks chairman Blair Westlake. [Ed. note—Did his parents get his name from the Big Baby Book Of Gay Porno Names?] Blair's primary responsibility will be strong-arming the entertainment industry into one-sided "partnerships" with Microsoft. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

Boots N' Ronstadt Tuesday continues, as a reader points us to this post on The National Review's The Corner blog. [Ed. note—Don't worry, children, we don't know what TNR is either.] A witness to Linda Ronstadt's bedlam-provoking, F 9/11-supporting, termination-inducing song dedication says the event was light on both bedlam and provocation, unless you were a fan of her rock catalog: