The newly-appointed Defamer correspondent on the Taxonomy of Ugly, Pointless Fashion Trends sets the record straight on Xeni's encounter with heinous Marc Jacobs boots:

On Saturday night, singer Linda Ronstadt was fired after she ignited a near-riot ("guests...spilled drinks, tore down posters and demanded their money back") at the Aladdin casino in Las Vegas for dedicating the song "Desperado" to Fahrenheit 9/11 director Michael Moore. We can almost see the scene...Republican conventioneers, livid that their little respite from losing their capital gains tax savings to the roulette wheel has been interrupted, push their hookers to the floor and threaten to burn the place down.

Xeni Jardin's harmless excursion to the Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue for a restorative dose of shoe porn goes horribly wrong:

Just as we were typing up a little item on this story about Kirsten Dunst's refusal to become the next Lara Croft-style jigglebot, we hear a rumor that Dunst and longtime boyfriend/dreamy-eyed gay-cowboy portrayer Jake Gyllenhaal have split. Perhaps all of this Brokeback Mountain stuff was too much for Dunst—maybe the on-camera action between Heath Ledger and Jake wasn't hot enough for her, maybe she tired of him wearing the chaps at home and the constant references to his "six-shooter." We hear some chatter about "conflicting schedules," but that's just Hollywoodspeak for a young cowboy looking for some fresh beef to brand or a little lady tired of the same old side-saddle and craving a little reverse-cowgirl. As they say, developing...

—Sci Fi Channel admits the "controversial" M. Night Shyamalan "documentary" was just lame, "guerilla marketing" bullshit: "Perhaps we might have taken the guerrilla campaign one step too far. We thought it would create controversy and it probably went one step too far." We'd love to say "We told you so," but that would be like saying we told you that Joan Rivers has "had some work done."
—Britney is shocked [Ed. note—Shocked!] and angry that newspapers would print that she was drinking a tiny bottle of whiskey in public. Don't we realize that Glenlivet goes much better with Pringles, and that Britney's an orange-fingered Cheetos addict?
—What was up with Fred 62 yesterday? First The OC kids, and now Britney.
—Buried, resurrected, and killed again: Canada discovers Hollywood's Kabbalah obsession.

Degree of difficulty: 8 out of 10.

This Worth1000.com Photoshop contest entry knows that the Fox marketing department will snow-shoe over the furthest tundra in search of demographics previously untainted by their advertising machine. Look for I, Robot to hit number one in the Inuit community next week, and to be really sick of Will Smith by week two.

A couple of reports from area stalkers of The OC's stars, letting us know how the kids are spending their summer vacation. Part One, "Fucking and Fighting," starring pouty. doe-eyed breadstick Mischa Barton:

A quick follow-up on the post about our reader who wound up with the cellphone number of Roseanne's assistant Becky. A source very close to the situation informs us that Becky called to apologize for all the annoying phone calls, and that she was "actually very sweet and cool." Becky also assured our source that she speaks with her mother frequently and was not dodging her calls—just those of paparazzi that frequently harass her by phone. Defamer is always a sucker for a happy ending.

· Ankled! Director Joe Carnahan tossed off Mission: Impossible 3 for "creative differences." He probably wanted to depart from the first two installments and insisted that the movie have a logical plot. [Variety. sub. req'd.]
· At Sunday's TCA's, world-domination candidate Les Moonves said he'll fight the FCC's titty fines—to the death! Our money is on Moonves. When he passes from the mortal plane, his teeth will remain to destroy his enemies. [THR]

We'd love to say that we snuck into Thursday's premiere of The Bourne Supremacy at the ArcLight and the after party across the street, but a friend (i.e. not anyone connected to the movie) slipped us a pair of tickets at the last minute. Feel free to invent your own story. Maybe we seduced a cocktail waitress and stole her uniform as she performed the standard shame-driven, post-coital vomiting fit that "friends of Defamer" all seem to suffer? Whatever works for you.

Actor/instigator/pot-puffing bi-boy Andy Dick was on this morning's Howard Stern radio show to promote his Apprentice "reimagining" for MTV, The Assistant (where he tortures applicants for a Hollywood job, etc etc.). Unexpected "perk" of being a contestant on Dick's show: He may fuck you. Dick admitted to having relations with at least one of the contestants after the show was over (in this case, a female—we're going to guess Melissa or Tanika) because of "Stockholm Syndrome." That seems like an awfully fancy term for being so desperate for basic-cable reality TV time that you're willing to put Andy Dick's penis in your body.

Sunday's LAT tells us Disney's apparent answer to Harvey Weinstein's recent threats to leave Miramax to head another studio: See ya! We like your brother Bob better. They'd prefer to let Harvey hit the bricks and keep Bob running Dimension Films. Says a Merrill Lynch analyst, "From Disney's perspective, it's a great compromise. Having one Weinstein is better than having none."

This week: Will Smith is officially "Mr. Mid-to-Late July."

Variety Headline Forcing Us To Contemplate How Exactly A Basic Cable Network Might Get A Short Haircut, A Rosie O'Donnell Fan Club Membership, And An Active Interest In The LPGA:

—Hold on, there's a word for filming Lindsay Lohan jiggling around a high school in a really tight shirt? [via Jossip]
—[cough] BULLSHIT! [cough] DUMMY! [cough] STANFORD-BINET'S METHODOLOGY IS FUCKING SUSPECT ANYWAY! (Thanks, Matt!)
—Richard Rushfield takes down King Arthur's writer: "Mr. Bruckheimer, if you are out there listening and have any more checks handy, I've been studying the matter really really closely, and the thing about Ordinary People is, if you strip away all the fancy suburban houses and psychiatrist appointments and just throw in some guns and a hotel full of Nazis, what you get is Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore as The Dirty Dozen. What do you say? I'm almost positive we could get Judd Hirsch."
—Dude, what would you do if Sandra Bullock came into your Urban Outfitters? We'd totally name-check The Net.
—White trashy pop-star or poolside basted turkey? [via Whatevs]
—Let us get this straight: Bijou Phillips smacks Lindsay Lohan with a bullwhip RIGHT HERE IN LA—and no one tells us about it? Sigh.

Thanks to this week's sponsor, who—just barely—keeps us from filling our tiny ginseng bottles with whiskey and chugging in front of paparazzi. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer, go here.

1a. High: Pretend you like "classic" film. LACMA's
Bertolucci Fest kicks off this weekend with showings of Before the Revolution, The Grim Reaper, and The Conformist.
1b. Low: Admit you like dumb stuff with gratuitous nudity. Porky's Revival/Q&A at the Arclight.
2a. High: Pretend you like the KCRW morning playlist. The Magnetic Fields at the Wilshire Ebell Theatre, Modest Mouse and The Walkmen at the Avalon, and Sonic Youth at the Henry Fonda.
2b. Low: Admit you stopped liking new things after the fraternity initiation. John Mayer at the Verizon Ampitheatre, Hootie and the Blowfish in Costa Mesa, Rooney at the Wiltern.

When Harvey Weinstein gathers his Miramax underlings for a little chat, they usually expect to wind up naked and on the bottom of an Abu Ghraib-style prisoner pile, as Harv snaps on some rubber gloves. This time, we hear that Weinstein addressed his staff yesterday with some non-specific news about his future, addressing recent/much-discussed/published rumors that he's halfway out the door already. One scenario (which we like to call "what's probably going to happen") involved him bagging Disney-owned Miramax and leaving behind brother Bob to continue on with Dimension Films.

Wizbang deconstructs the battle plan of former Survivor contestant/VH1 host Jenna Lewis once her sex video showed up for sale on the internet. [Ed.note—Lewis is steadfastly C-list. She couldn't get on the B-list if she was filmed giving Vin Diesel a reacharound.]