In Wednesday's testimony at the Hollywood Trial of the Century, Disney CEO Michael Eisner spun a fascinating account of failed president's Michael Ovitz's last days with the company. Even though Eisner claimed that his No. 2 "would not accept being fired" and needed to be told several times that Disney no longer required his services, Eisner still managed to paint himself as Ovitz's victim.
We can't be sure if mere proximity to Jenny McCarthy causes a woman's clothes to fall off, or if McCarthy is puckishly tugging on Mandy Moore's dress strap to initiate some full-blown Tara Reid buzz at the American Music Awards. The pair will have to try a little harder if they're after another Reid-level incident; McCarthy needs to tug more insistently and Moore still requires dozens of dollars in shoddy plastic surgery.
The FCC has already moved to review video of the semi-naughty Monday Night Football/Desperate Housewives promo with the light-speed that makes us believe that the government nanny state can work—when they think they're going to catch a glimpse of Nicollette Sheridan's nipples and follow up a quick self-abuse session with some conscience-cleansing fines. Unfortunately for FCC Chairman Michael Powell, the best he's going to get out of this is some hott, towel-dropping, *implied* nudity and the suggestion that a football player is getting very laid before strapping on his helmet. That should be worth about a $500K wrist-slapping for ABC, don't you think? You know, once Powell's completely done "reviewing the evidence."
By now we're all intimately familiar with the details of the infamous "Friends lawsuit" that pits former writers' assistant Amaani Lyle (who alleges that she was sexually harassed by graphic discussions in the writers' room) against some of the show's writers (who defend the necessity of discussing their masturbation habits and cheerleader fetishes in the discharge of their comedic duties). An enterprising assistant has penned a brilliant parody of the lawsuit, which has been circulating in the industry's in-boxes for some time now (we're somewhere after the most recently hired William Morris mailroom drone in the information chain), and which we are thrilled to pass along:
The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke gets bitten by the humor bug, taking a lighthearted stroll through the post-election. pro-"moral values" television landscape.
· ABC will develop erstwhile feature script The Flyover States as a red-America drama series. They're showing admirable restraint in not retitling the project The People Who Ruined Our Lives Because Gays Kissing Is A Sin to pander to viewers on the coasts. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· ABC (again!) gives the Jennifer Love Hewitt comedy project a six episode midseason order. For our thoughts on this unfortunate shitergistic exercise, go here. Then close your eyes and say, "How bad could it be if they dub Hewitt's lines into Pig Latin and make her wear tight shirts?" Well, we'll probably get the tight shirt part without too much of a fight. [THR]
· Catherine Zeta-Jones and Ocean's 12 producer Jerry Weintraub are teaming up again for The Ivy Chronicles. Adapted from the book of the same name, the film would star Zeta-Jones as a Wall Street woman who starts a kindergarten referral service. And the world will team up again with a DVD of Mask of Zorro. [THR]
· ABC publicists obviously worked serious overtime yesterday: ABC submits ratings world-beater Desperate Housewives in the comedy category at the Golden Globes. Good idea to stay clear of those HBO shows. [Variety]
· Michael Goldenberg will adapt the fifth Harry Potter book, as Steve Kloves has opted to work on another Warner Bros. project, adapting The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. Please, be gentle: That book doesn't deserve to be fucked up by some executive who has "ideas" about talking dogs. [THR]
A reader reports some bedlam at last night's Miramax screening of The Aviator, where a twenty-minute melee broke out and a barely-employed WGA member was stabbed for punching Dr. Dre and dissing The G-Unit. Oh, wait, that was the Vibe awards! We get confused sometimes. Still, a decimated Miramax again proves its recent gift for courting trouble by alienating many of the voters they hope to court with their patented end-of-year awards publicity binge. Naturally, we blame Harvey Weinstein.
Yesterday, in his seven-hour testimony in the Hollywood Trial of the Century, Disney CEO Michael Eisner continued his account of how an "arrogant" and "abrasive" Michael Ovitz quickly wore out his welcome in the company. Eisner described some bizarre emotional outbursts that compromised Ovitz's ability to be an effective leader, but attempted to gloss over a weak moment of his own.
The MPAA, shrewdly sensing that their customers desperately want to be sued to kill time in their empty lives while they await the next Spider-man sequel, launched the first wave of lawsuits against movie file-sharers yesterday. Way to go, MPAA! The music industry's similar lawsuits against their consumer base has ushered in a new Golden Age of CD sales, and we're sure that your adoption of their strategy will inevitably result in every American buying an average of two movie tickets per day.
—The fearless, fashion-lashing gals at Go Fug Yourself take on fugtastic wild child Bijou Phillips—and Bijou never stood a chance. Good luck picking her handbag out your asses should your paths cross at a party, ladies!
—Before we ever sat down at the computer today, we just *knew* that Lionel Richie's ex-wife was going to get busted for letting her new boyfriend run an illegal wrinkle-injection clinic out of her home. It's like Spider-sense or something.
—Shitergy in brief: ABC admits that having Nicollette Sheridan pretending to bang Eagles receiver Terrell Owens before a game to cross-promote Monday Night Football and Desperate Housewives might not have been the best idea. [via The Media Drop]
—Lindsay Lohan throws a diva shit-fit over some some fucked up plane reservations, leading us to believe that Fez was a much-needed moderating influence on her. Oh, how we miss the Fez days!
Today's Page Six outs West Wing creator/Psilocybin Aficionado coverboy Aaron Sorkin as the making-outingest writer in Hollywood. Sorkin was caught demonstrating his vaunted "overlapping dialogue" technique on back-to-back nights with different partners, including recurring WW actress Kristin Chenowith. If he can't keep his PDAs out of the tabloids (isn't this why God invented bathroom stalls and VIP lounges?) he might soon find himself running lines alone at home.
· Take in a show to benefit the Giampino family, recent arson victims. The 88, All Hours, Kennedy and more rock for good karma at the Echo.
· The monthly Res Screening at the Egyptian features a new video by Spike Jonze for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and new videos for The Streets, UNKLE, and the Faint. We hear that Jonze kid's gonna make something of himself one day.
· The members of Wilco will sign copies of their imaginatively titled new book, The Wilco Book, at Skylight Books in Los Feliz. See if you can convince Jeff Tweedy to head down Vermont to the Dresden and jam with Marty and Elaine. We'd love to hear a lounge-jazz version of "Heavy Metal Drummer."
A reader, concerned that a certain mass-impaired A-list actress might seriously injure herself while partaking in a vigorous exercise fad, sends us this note in hopes that the celeb might take her cardio program down a notch:
The Defamer Special Correspondent on Decor in Celebrity-Backed Restaurants files this special sneak peak at Geisha House, the new Hollywood eatery backed by the same gang of That 70's Show cronies that brought you Dolce.
For the low, low price of (actually, we're not sure, because the auction has a hidden reserve price), you can spend a day hanging out with Real World/Surreal Life reality show "personality" Trishelle, who's selling the pleasure of her company on eBay. As if the opportunity to plumb the depths of Trishelle's opinions on the recent election or the Fallujah offensive weren't enough, the winner's prize includes a five-star hotel on the Strip, limo service, and lunch at Dolce. The words "hot tub" and "discreet" aren't mentioned anywhere in the listing, so bidders should be aware that she's merely peddling her dignity; a day basking in the reflected glory of the reality show starlet will likely end with a firm handshake and a subtle request for some pocket change or a sandwich. Hurry, the bidding ends in less than nine hours!
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and make sure you let Bruce Willis know you saw him chew with his mouth open.
· Disney plans Toy Story 3 without Pixar. That's right, Steve Jobs, Eisner doesn't need you and your hit-making studio, so feel free to sign up with a rival and make huge piles of cash. Just like that Katzenberg fellow.
[THR]
· Rodney and Complete Savages get "back 9" episode orders. Cursory research indicates that these are sitcoms on ABC, and that under no circumstances would we watch either of them. [THR]
· Cinematic Dream Team warning, please shield your eyes before reading on: Spike Lee and Keanu Reeves get together for disillusioned cop drama The Night Watchman. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· With negotiations with producers looming, SAG distracts itself with a bunch of internal legal stuff with lawyers and whatnot. Humph. Actors! What are ya gonna do with 'em? [Variety]
· Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason finishes first at the overseas box office, proving that the world's appetite for skinny Americans pretending to be fat Brits cannot possibly be sated. [THR]
The recently moribund Hollywood Trial of the Century received a heaping plate of sexing up when Disney CEO Michael Eisner finally took the stand Monday to discuss his hiring and firing of erstwhile mega-agent Michael Ovitz as the company's president. While Ovitz tried to evoke a sepia-toned image of the two "life partners'" running Disney while placidly floating in a rowboat, executive limbs intertwined, breaking their clasp only when Ovitz would sit up to readjust the parasol protecting his CEO from the midday sun, Eisner did his best to portray their union as strictly take-the-cab-fare-and-try-not-to-wake-me-on-the-way-out: "I was amused by him," Eisner said. "He was fun to go to dinner with."
Free of the cast-iron muzzle that superflack Pat Kingsley used to prevent him from babbling about Scientology every time a writer put a tape recorder under his chin, Tom Cruise once again holds forth about his religion's finer points in this month's GQ. Remember those old werewolf movies, where the afflicted man would ask his friends to lock him in a room before the full moon appeared, begging them not to let him out no matter what he said? Now that his sister/fellow Scientologist LeAnne Devette is running the show, there's no one left to keep him locked up until the moon passes. Predictably, the unleashed Cruise attacks Scientology's mortal enemy, science psychiatry:
