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By now we're all intimately familiar with the details of the infamous "Friends lawsuit" that pits former writers' assistant Amaani Lyle (who alleges that she was sexually harassed by graphic discussions in the writers' room) against some of the show's writers (who defend the necessity of discussing their masturbation habits and cheerleader fetishes in the discharge of their comedic duties). An enterprising assistant has penned a brilliant parody of the lawsuit, which has been circulating in the industry's in-boxes for some time now (we're somewhere after the most recently hired William Morris mailroom drone in the information chain), and which we are thrilled to pass along:

5. I have never been aware of any of the "The Show" episodes I worked on involving pornography, bestiality, double penetration, watersports, autoerotic bludgeoning, bukkake, anal beads, pepperoni nipples, or dirty sanchez s. Although the character of M did give the character C a donkey punch in an early draft of the pilot.

The full text of the "lawsuit" is after the jump. Names have been removed to protect the hilarious. (Besides, half the town already knows who's behind it.)

XX, ESQ., (SBN 153570) XX, ESQ., (SBN 204561) LAW OFFICES OF XX XX Century Park East, Ste. 1440 Los Angeles, CA 90035 Telephone Number: (310) XXX-XXXX Attorneys for Plaintiff LOS ANGELES SUPERIOR COURT STATE OF CALIFORNIA COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES, CENTRAL DISTRICT

XX,
Plaintiff,
vs.
YY TELEVISION STUDIOS,
D——-, X——-, X——, X——, X—-, AND DOES 1 TO 42 INCLUSIVE,
Defendant

1. I worked on an YY STUDIOS television series The Show from February 2004 to August 2004 as assistant to Executive Producer, D——.

2. During this time, I was constantly exposed to D—— making
statements and comments that had nothing to do with "The Show"
television series that were offensive because they were racist, sexist, and obscene. I was also made to do tasks that were not in any way consistent with my job description.

3. I was offended by the constant comments made by D—— that had
nothing to do with the The Show television series and pertained to
personal sexual stories and sexual encounters, involving specifics as to his sexual behavior with his girlfriends, wives, Cuban houseboys, interns, former shop teachers, lamp-op s, and/or paid sex workers.

4. A true and correct copy of the YY Compliance Program Manual with harassment and discrimination policy was NOT on hand but was taken down by D—— and replaced with an author-signed strip from Marmaduke.

5. I have never been aware of any of the "The Show" episodes I worked on involving pornography, bestiality, double penetration, watersports, autoerotic bludgeoning, bukkake, anal beads, pepperoni nipples, or dirty sanchez s. Although the character of M did give the character C a donkey punch in an early draft of the pilot.

6. D—— was given to fits of depression and philosophic ambiguity,
saying things like, What if Kierkegaard was right, and everything is an illusion and nothing exists? He then lamented his bi-monthly Brazilian Wax.

7. D—— would insist that I referred to his Lexus SC430 as El
Barco de la Esperma. If I did not he would lash me with a garden rake.

8. D—— has a fetish for 1980 s sitcom characters and would make me
dress up like the Vicki Lawrence character from the television show Momma s Family. In addition, our key grip, whom D—— would refer to only as fuckin Tina Yothers, was forced to dance the Charleston whenever D—— played the theme song from the show Mr. Belvedere.

9. I was constantly made to get D—— Mocha Ice Blendeds with No Sugar Added/Whipped from The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf , but when I returned he would slap it out of my hand and make me lick it off the ground.

10. D—— would often wax, There are two kinds of assistants in this world, XX. Those that caress my nards, and those that are fired.

11. Every Thursday D—— would show up to work dressed as an artichoke and proceed to pelt me with dominoes.

12. D—— would often remove his toupee and hold it in front of
his genitals as though it were pubic hair.

13. D—— regularly gave nicknames to his own penis and would
make me write a memo each morning to announce that day s new nickname. These names included El Diablo Rojo, The Homewrecker, Dame Edna, and Kyle. I was the only recipient of these memos and was told to keep them on file and confidential.

14. D—— would describe the shape of The Star s buttocks and what he imagined it would be like to lick wasabi from them.

15. ZZ would say to D—— about The Star, You could have fucked him before this Big Movie bullshit.

16. D—— would often make me work at his manor on weekends, maintaining the moat and the elevators.

17. On a daily basis, D—— would have me purchase pornographic
reading material such as Amateur Anal, Transvestite Field Trip, and Boar Hunter magazines and then cut out the good pictures for him. On occasion D—— would have me use those pictures to make a collage or mobile to be displayed in his office. D—— would have me hang them up when the visitors left and told me to do it slowly so he could enjoy it more.

18. He often did this while smoking a cigar, and would quip, Sometimes a cigar ain t a cigar, XX Boy. Sometimes it s my dong.

19. I had to constantly listen to what kind of breasts (big), what kind of buttocks (firm) and what kind of testicles (mine) D—— was most attracted to.

20. D—— once told me that he needed a production assistant to
make a delivery for him. He then explained that by production assistant he really meant prostitute and by make a delivery for him he meant draw a smiley face on his anus with a magic marker.

21. I paid for said magic marker out of pocket and was never reimbursed by D——, the production office, or YY TELEVISION STUDIOS.

22. D—— would pretend that he had accidentally sat in gum and
direct me to examine the situation more closely. It was only then that I would realize that he was allowing his scrotum to protrude from the zipper of his short pants. He did this daily.

23. D—— would recount wild tales of hummers that he had given. He would also brag about the amount of money he made from performing oral sex and would proclaim who the fuck needs a development deal when you have Lips of Gold?

24. D—— would often ridicule and berate me for being a Gentile. He
would make it a point to belch the Lord s Prayer, and at table reads would require me to wear a crown of thorns made from script brads.

25. D—— would make reference to the fact that he wished to have
communal intercourse with the members of my immediate family and then employ them as his butlers and/or landscapers.

26. D—— would brag about how he and his friends would kidnap valets and hold them prisoner at his estate, making snuff films.

27. When I would pitch possible story lines for said snuff films, D—— would ridicule them. None of the other assistants had their snuff film pitches ridiculed.

28. D—— would, for hours on end, make lewd and offensive
drawings of me cavorting with former presidents [see: Exhibits 1 through 3].

29. It was a month-and-a-half before my computer was hooked up to the network so I could do my job properly. All the other assistants were hooked up to the network, I believe, because they were former members of the singing group Sister Sledge.

30. I was not a former member of the singing group Sister Sledge.

31. D—— would occasionally stick one or more of his digits down
his pants and then make me smell it/them to make sure I remembered what the score was.

32. D—— would make me the target of public ridicule whenever
possible (e.g., naming his Cessna The Spirit of St. Louis II: XX s a Queerball )

33. When I started, it was four days before the production office got me blue pens. The other assistants in the office had them in two days. They were handsome Jews.

34. D—— would often interrupt me in the middle of rolling calls by
asking me to titty fuck him. He told me that it was YY TELEVISION policy.

35. Later, after finding an YY TELEVISION Employee Handbook, I discovered that this was not the case.

36. D—— refused to call me by name. He told me that when he wanted my attention he would pass wind.

37. D—— would describe how he enjoyed receiving hand jobs when the
administrator was wearing boxing gloves. He later made me go shopping for boxing gloves in XY s size.

38. D—— would tell everyone in the writers room how he enjoyed
masturbating to the thought of blondes with big chests (i.e., Dolph
Lundgren).

39. D—— insisted that there be at least one or two pretty
fucking cute Asian boys on the set of "The Show" during all rehearsal days. After spending a significant amount of time alone with two of these boys in particular, he gave them speaking roles on the show.

40. D—— would spins tales of his marathon prostate exams while the
other male writers would egg him on and cheer his name and hold up homemade signs.

41. D—— would insult me because I previously worked on That s
So Raven and was too prude to hook up with the background children.

42. The blatant use of obscene language and flagrant discussions about personal sex lives occurred at least four days per week while I worked on The Show and continued up until at least two days before my termination on August 19, 2004.