We feel something of an obligation to briefly remark on the premiere of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's love-note to the complete destruction of romantic love, Chaotic. Yes, we were disappointed, but nothing short of UPN deciding to finally break the primetime ban on background dancers fully penetrating their pop-star meal tickets could have prevented some letdown. Some of this might not make sense if you didn't see the show, but if that's the case, you are a bad person and should dedicate the next three minutes of your life to the job you're neglecting as penance:

· More fun from CBS: 60 Minutes Wednesday is kicked to the programming curb, but Moonves denies that Memogate had anything to do with it, but allows, "There's just something that bugs me about Dan Rather's face. It's all square and stuff." [Variety]
· John Woo will direct Chow Yun Fat in the "next generation action action game" Stranglehold. Things exploding stylishly and broken English to follow. [THR]
· In the unexpected, but potentially genius, casting move of the season, Kelsey Grammer will play Beast in X-Men 3. [Variety]
· Beware, the streets will be teeming with virgins carrying lightsabers: More than 80% of tonight's Star Wars post-midnight showings are already sold out. [Variety]
· Husband/wife team Laurie MacDonald and Walter Parkes leave their positions as co-heads of DreamWorks Pictures for the obligatory "shingle" gig. Curiously empty offices to follow. [Variety]

We pause from our nonstop coverage of the upfronts to do our part to foster the kind of special love that begins in an anonymous Craigslist post and ends in a job as a series regular:

We were enjoying a perfectly nice story about Andy Dick rampaging through a swag suite at the upfronts when we were suddenly overtaken by the urge to push away from the computer and head to the Beverly Center. From JV NY Daily News gossip Lloyd Grove (who's really caught fire the last two days):

CBS has revealed its Fall schedule, and Viacom co-president/future galactic eater-of-worlds Les Moonves sounds like he's ready to shake the perception that his network is watched only by people killing time before the Lord finally takes them away from bleak lives of soaking dentures, rotten grandkids that never call, and meager Social Security checks:

With four series pick-ups for the Fall joining his six series already on the air (which adds up to something like 43 total shows), superproducer Jerry Bruckheimer has made your television-watching eyeballs his bitch. But even after his domination of the primetime airwaves, Bruckheimer's noble mission hasn't changed:

· ...Or you could just skip Chaotic and see Britney Spears' entire life condensed into a three minute song parody.
· "Did we imply that Joey sucks? No, no, it doesn't suck! It's got a core audience, it isn't broken, Matt LeBlanc is a fine...sigh. OK, it sucks. You happy? We said it."
· Wilmer Valderrama is starting his own clothing line, proving that not being smart enough to tie your shoes is no barrier to becoming a designer. [via EOTM]
· Britney Spears appeared on Ellen, but the talk show host was unable to persuade the pop star to sell her the baby in her womb.

· Tuesdays are for music round-up lovers: Juliette and the Licks at the Troubadour (where "Juliette" is actress Juliette Lewis indulging her rock aspirations more successfully than that Crowe-Grunts situation ); MIA at the Echo; Alaska! at! Amoeba!
· "According to a recent interview, Thurber claimed his biggest challenge was not laughing over takes." See what all the modesty is about as the ArcLight screens DodgeBall, with writer/director Rawson Marshall Thurber and producer Stuart Cornfeld sticking around for a Q & A.
·Listen, we're not going to lie to you. We're not going to see any bands or movies. We're stapling our fat ass to the couch and watching us some Spears/Federline reality TV crap. And we're going to wash the Cheeto dust off of our fingers with Red Bull, thank you very much.

A reader over at media deep-throating sister site Gawker sends in a report from NBC's upfront presentation yesterday, which included this knee-slapping exchange between sitcom legend Jim Burrows (is it OK if we call him Jim?) and recycled sitcom actor Josh Cooke (sighs, rolls eyes...Fine! HERE!):

Our pals over at LA.com have spilled the beans about a secret Interpol show in Hollywood, where Sony will herd the few celebs who couldn't afford a plane ticket to France into a club to celebrate their video game endeavors. Since we weren't invited (no matter how many times we say that, no one ever gets the hint!), maybe you'll have better luck crashing and fighting some C-lister for the last crab cake:

An experimental browser plug-in that allows us to hear the thoughts of celebrities captured in wire service photos may shed some light on why Ben Stiller looks so unhappy at the premiere of DreamWorks' Madagascar: "How the hell did Scwimmer get in here? I knew that if I gave him that dollar to wash my windshield with his sleeve he'd sneak in behind me. He pulled the same stunt at Starsky and Hutch. The second these goddamn cameras stop flashing in my face, I'm getting Katzenberg to throw him out. And I'm taking the giraffe. My lion is totally gay."

Come on, admit it, you always thought that Zack Morris would be the one reduced to hosting amateur dog shows:

Unless you're a fifteen-year-old girl, you might be completely unaware of the existence of a network called "The WB." This network [Ed.note—Run this one by fact-checking to make sure that's a valid term for their cute organization.] announced its Fall schedule today at the upfronts, presumably to a room full of people turned away from the ABC presentation by a fire marshal. The only development of interest is the pick-up of Just Legal a series created when a Hello Kitty calculator was reprogrammed to generate a show concept from a random combination of the following elements: Teenage boys, Doogie Howser, Jerry Bruckheimer, lawyers, and Don Johnson. We're too tired to explain the actual premise, but feel free to recombine these elements at your leisure to form an entirely new show with the same chance of survival past November as The WB's version.

· CBS hasn't announced its Fall sched yet, but it looks like more Bruckheimer, some Jenna Elfman, and two heaping cupfuls of Jennifer Love Hewitt's rack. We'll leave them alone until it's official tomorrow. [Variety]
· 32 million fans say good bye to something called According to Jim. Oh, we mean Everybody Loves Raymond. [THR]
· Honeymooners star Mike Epps will play Richard Pryor in a biopic, presumably because Dave Chappelle is still too busy chilling the fuck out in South Africa to take the job. [Variety]
· Fancy directors Michael Haneke and David Cronenberg are frontrunners for the Palm D'Or (that's French for "Not an Oscar") on the strength of their "very accessible" films. As a result, Cronenberg is now in the running to direct either 3 Fast 3 Furiouser or take over the Rush Hour franchise from Brett Ratner. [THR]
· Warren Beatty, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura, and Tribune Co. fight over the rights to a comic book character everyone stopped caring about while Beatty was still banging Madonna. [Variety]

BoingBoing correspondent from the future/Star Wars napkinblogger Xeni Jardin takes a complaint from a guy who shelled out $500 for a preview screening of Revenge of the Sith and received perhaps the worst gift bag in the history of the promotion of filmed entertainment:

In an attempt to avoid another Spiegel-type ambush and resulting public relations disaster, Tom Cruise recently invited a magazine writer for a private tour of the Scientology mothership, where burly "answer techs" might help the star address potentially pointed questions about his religion. From today's Page Six:

NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove breaks the biggest story from Cannes: Hayden "Darth Vader" Christensen was spotted in "full canoodle" with Eva "Ask Me About My JC Chasez Tattoo" Longoria.

ABC announced its Fall lineup at the upfronts, and prominent among their new offerings is Commander-in-Chief, in which Geena Davis (the lousy housekeeper from Family Ties) becomes our country's first female president:

By now we all know how it went down: At last year's upfronts, NBC golden boy Jeff Zucker was so confident about his network's prospects for the Fall season that he stood on a stack of Bibles, swore that their already high ratings would increase, and taunted the Lord himself to strike him down if Joey didn't deliver post-Friends salvation to his advertisers. Then God, who always has quite a sense of humor about such matters, obliged Zucker with a well-placed thunderbolt to the top of the executive's distinguished bald head.

· Who makes movies? Zombies make movies. Also, writers and fluffers might have a hand in the process.
· "Monster in jungle?/Mysterious, yes. But who/Does Kate's sculpted brows?" and other Lost haiku from SMRT-TV.
· After acting his little fingers to the nub, Bill Murray is ready for a change of pace: ""I'm really looking to cut lawns for the summer."
· Vincent Gallo, breakdancer. Shhh...anything else we say would just ruin the moment.
· One day, annoying pop stars will help make all of our fashionable electronic equipment. Until that day comes, we must all learn to cope with the imperfect designs rendered by non-celebrities.