From Craigslist, yet another undoubtedly legitimate opportunity for struggling actresses to advance their careers:

Your guesses are in! Let's wrap up this sham of a game and move on with our lives, shall we? Dip your balls* in One Disappearing Blind Vice one more time before moving on:

Now Les Moonves has really done it. His hubris has called down from above the hysterical Drudge headline, a Biblical punishment far worse than any piddling plague of locusts or death of a first born son that an aggrieved Creator might visit upon his perfectly-coiffed head. Moonves just throws back that pretty head and cackles, secure in the knowledge that not even Yahweh would choose Joan of Arcadia over Jennifer Love Hewitt's demographically-desirable rack, or deign to deliver adults 18-49 unto fallen Nielsen angel Jeff Zucker.

Because UPN banged its silverware and screeched until someone let it sit at the big people's table at the upfronts, we're going to play along and pretend that anyone will tune in for programming that doesn't involve anorexic mannequins fainting dead away from an icy stare cast across the vast expanse of Tyra Banks' forehead. To wit, the network cutely thinks that Chris Rock's new sitcom is going to finally deliver the netlet to the Promised Land:

With a journalistic precision usually reserved for the unethical shenanigans of world leaders, the WashingtonPost.com has finally solved the mystery of how Paris Hilton's Sidekick was hacked, spilling the celebutante's softcore lesbian phonecam photography, private e-mails, and all-star address book all over the internets. Phone calls were made, T-Mobile employees were conned, and shortly after gaining access to Laurence Fishburne's Sidekick and taunting him with obvious Matrix jokes, the hackers moved on to a bigger, more vacuous target:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Vince Vaughn know that famous people can aspire to a higher class of bar skank.

· "Weinsteins ride over the Rainbow." If we clicked through to the actual story, it's inevitable we'd be disappointed. They probably didn't hop on My Little Ponies and and strangle some leprechauns for their pots of gold. [Variety]
· FX picks up a fifth season of The Shield. We hear they're doing nice things over there, but we still not sure why haven't seen anything on that channel. All of their shows must be on against Dr. 90210 or Gastineau Girls. [THR]
· That kiss in Hitch was apparently even hotter than it looked: Will Smith will produce former co-star Kevin James in the family adventure Monster Hunter for Sony. [Variety]
· At Cannes, Tom Hanks announces that he'll make sure that son Colin continues to work, even if he's got to underwrite (and makes cameos in) the movies. [THR]
· Paramount head Brad Grey continues to throw work to his old buddies by picking up Plan B's True Story. [Variety]

Their offical upfront presentation is yet to come, but Fox president Peter Liguori has met with the press and released his network's Fall slate. And as expected, the network has finally abandoned all pretenses about its success in the key demographic and finally shifted to an all- American Idol format launching at the conclusion of the World Series. In addition, Liguori has given Paula Abdul the green light to engage in sexual relationships with any of the AI hopefuls, just as long as all acts of pill-addled congress occur in front of fellow tribunal members Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell.

Wherein we invite our readers to pin on their five-point badge, strap on their six-shooters, and stroll out into the dusty Old West street where humpy E! gossip outlaw Ted Casablanca is waiting for his weekly blind item showdown. This week, Ted tosses aside gay sex in favor of some slice-and-dice. Spin your spurs with One Disappearing Blind Vice:

Yesterday, CBS announced that it was boldly moving into the red-hot juggsy-medium space by awarding the Jennifer Love Hewitt vehicle Ghost Whisperer a coveted primetime slot on its Fall schedule. Like any other show that endures the gauntlet of the network development process, Whisperer underwent several name changes as it wended its way to its triumphant moment at the upfronts. Here are some of the working titles attached to the project over the course of its life:

CBS overlord Les Moonves just can't help himself. At their upfront presentation to advertisers yesterday, he continued his ritualistic humiliation of NBC pewter-boy Jeff Zucker, very publicly delivering the television executive equivalent of a taint-rattling wedgie, a swirly in an unflushed toilet, and the scribbling of "I LOVE DUDES" in Sharpie on his rival's forehead:

In reporting an item about William Morris' party at the upfronts a couple of days ago, Page Six finally puts away the long knives and plays nice (sort of) with the agency:

· The Egyptian hosts a tribute to animator Joanna Priestley and a screening of several of her 'toons tonight, with Priestly herself chatting up the audience in between segments.
· Audioslave will snarl Hollywood Boulevard with a free show for Jimmy Kimmel tonight, so if you're meeting someone in Hollywood and not going to the show, save everyone some pain and just stand them up. We don't need any more car-to-car shootings.
· Music and whatnot: Kelly Clarkson, who as far as anyone knows did not sleep with Paula Abdul (how sad) is at the Wiltern; The Few play for many at Silverlake Lounge.

For reasons that are still not entirely clear to us (although the idea of free booze probably figures prominently), we decided to take a friend up on their offer to assist us in "getting on the list" for last night's Sony PSP party (which we described yesterday as "Sony's Secret C-List Show," a tidbit that would become painfully ironic). The short version: Only bad things happen when Defamer tries to leave the house. The slightly longer version follows, presented in this special photo essay in three acts...

Combining the best elements of the Fox News Cafe's flair for promotional cuisine and the Sony commissary's talent for compellingly written (if grammatically suspect) signage, we think that ABC's Burbank cafeteria is a real up-an-comer in the suddenly meaningful plastic-tray dining space. Keep an eye on these kids, they're goin' places!

This week's Hollywood Momentum, which is quickly cementing its status as the Redbook of the segment of the industry that wears headsets and dodges blunt objects tossed by angry bosses, presents another "Screamer" worthy of knowing nods from the abused:

Each year at upfronts time, Les Moonves likes to invite the press over for an informal chat over bagels, during which he's known to take out his penis, slap it down among the lox and cream cheese, then swing the sloppy member around the room without concern for who it hits in the face. The NYT's Virignia Heffernan notes who got a faceful of junk in her "Upfronts Journal" (which, like the LAT's "Web Notebook," should not be mistaken for a blog):

What happens to a character's clothes once he's been ruthlessly disposed of by a convenient heart attack? At Fox, whatever the actor can't shovel into his Benz while his assistant distracts the wardrobe people winds up at silent auction at the studio store. This week's offerings include a nice piece worn by The OC's Alan "My Agent Promised Me I'm Coming Back As A Ghost Who Likes To Throw Pool Parties" Dale:

We hate to get all Bloodhound Gang on you, but we need to solve this mystery by the end of the second commercial break (we would've dropped the Encyclopedia Brown reference, but were afraid you'd accuse us of going too highbrow):

Will Katie Holmes' publicists stop at nothing to promote Batman Begins?