When Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston aren't tied up with various stages of the rehabilitation and criminal justice systems, they're expressing their profound love for one another by smearing Preparation H on their faces and dancing for hotel gift shop employees. And although the anonymously-sent clip of the upcoming Being Bobby Brown that landed in the WOW Report's mailbox smacks of viral buzz-building by some sneaky Bravo functionary, it's impossible to resist Whitney and Bobby doing what they do best—being five flavors of crazy in front of TV cameras.

Craigslist once again offers an amazing opportunity to obtain an industry "dream job," if one's dream is to perform menial, unpaid tasks while scantily clad for an array of "agents," "execs," and "directors" in exchange for a chance to network one's way into undesirable genital-genital contact:

Since we were highly disappointed to crawl out of bed and fail to find a new instance of Tom Cruise molesting Katie Holmes or tussling with a foreign reporter over Scientology, here's a morning round-up of Cruise-related tidbits:

For those of you who think that the entertainment industry's legendary "casting couch" is a relic from a bygone, if much sexier, era, today's Page Six reminds you that some things never change:

· "Well, take for example Christopher Reeve...Now here is a man, and I care about Christopher Reeve because I think he is an incredibly talented man. But look at him; where has his career gone?" Here come the Tom Cruise parody blogs, led by the delightful Tom Cruise's Medical Forum.
· Peruse the assault complaint against Russell Crowe, courtesy of The Smoking Gun, where a telephone becomes a "dangerous instrument" and an unappreciated musical visionary becomes a "defendant."
· Someone on the Mr. and Mrs. Smith promotional team deserves a promotion for this truly brilliant effort. Really, maybe all the way to president of production.
·Why can't we make ourselves believe that Paris Hilton registered for a Frydaddy?

· The ArcLight once again generously stretches the definition of "Master Storyteller," featuring a Q & A with director Andy Tennant following a screening of the subtle masterwork Hitch. If you're too shy to ask what it was like to sit behind the camera for Will Smith and Kevin James' historic kiss, perhaps you can ask how he managed to capture the crackling sexual chemistry between Matthew Perry and Salma Hayek in Fools Rush In without melting the filmstock.
· Louis CK, the only man brave enough to explore the multicamera sitcom wasteland for HBO, will join tonight's Comedy Death Ray show at M Bar.
· Music round-up: Aqualung does a sold-out (that's why God invented scalpers) KCRW show at the Troubadour; Kasabian at the Fonda; The Go-Go's play the House of Blues with The Like, a sort of much younger, indie-pop version of the Go-Go's.

Anne Bancroft dies.

We'd like to belatedly celebrate the highly unexpected (but satisfying) third-season pick-up of Arrested Development by alerting you to the latest round of Fox's Studio Store auctions, in which clothes worn by, purchased for, or possibly gazed upon, sort of, by stars in the network's stable are offered up to the highest bidder. How better to commemorate AD's rise from the dead than to purchase (at a heavy discount!) a shirt "worn" by everyone's favorite mustachioed, Blue Man Group understudy fop, Tobias Fünke?

The guys at TVGasm think they've finally gotten to the bottom of the Lindsay Lohan Problem (though we should note there's a disclaimer hastily hung above this "fairy tale" to try and stop Lohan's lawyers from taking away their firstborn), citing a "source close" to the one-woman tabloid thrill-ride:

Our blogging overlords at Gawker Media have opened up an in-house shop, currently offering up a small selection of t-shirts in Gawker, Wonkette, and Defamer Lite flavors. And unlike our blog products, the t-shirts aren't produced in sweat shops; your twenty bucks will only support the exploitation of slackers, not 6-year-old Vietnamese children. Our "An Agent Ate My Baby" t-shirt is an excellent way to either condemn the widely accepted Hollywood practice or ironically undercut your own toddler-gobbling activities. Either way, you'll be the hit of Wilshire Boulevard!

Defamer operatives have filed reports from both Lindsay Lohan's and Jimmy Fallon's post-MTV Movie Awards parties (some of the drama hit Page Six this morning), which featured Lohan trying to set off a gang war (likely weapons of choice: hair pulling and fashion-sense disparaging) by her selective snubbing of "undesirables":

BoingBoing's Xeni Jardin, interstellar blogger sent from fifteen minutes in the future to report back on the tech-follies of humans, goes spycam hunting in downtown LA for Wired, finding a few of the $186,000 worth of invisible eyes that the MPAA gifted to the LAPD to crack down on the pirated DVD trade. When the roving cameras identify an illegal transaction taking place, a holographic image of legendary MPAA pirate-hunter Jack Valenti is projected down to the street. The virtual Valenti then attempts to confuse and intimidate the misguided consumer into discontinuing the transaction with a soliloquy comparing the disrespecting of copyrights to one of twelve disturbing scenarios, like "lashing your 12-year old daughter to the buffet in the preteen-rapist ward at a hospital for the criminally insane."

· Universal hopes that the soft-opening Cinderella Man will be more Seabiscuit than Terminal. It seems that while Brian Grazer has the ability to make audiences laugh and cry, he can't singlehandedly guarantee a movie will open big. [Variety]
· Sony pushes back the Pink Panther release from August 5 to February 10, claiming that they want more time to promote it in the wake of their MGM acquisition. As with any official word from a studio, we should all accept this explanation at face value and not make any assumptions about the quality of the movie. [THR]
· Variety has more details about yesterday's Halo shenanigans, which you probably stopped caring about once the big green soldier showed up in your office. [Variety]
· A new study reveals that G-rated films make more money than R-rated films, prompting every studio in town to commission new studies that will conclude that graphic violence and partial nudity cures cancer. [THR]
· Nic Cage and Will Smith will both produce and star int he family comedy Time Share for Columbia, which is about exactly what you think a movie called Time Share would be about. Sample dialogue: "But how can both of us, a quirky white guy and a lovable black guy, have been booked for this time share at the same time? Wackiness is certain to ensue!" [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas XXVLIII: Ben Stiller will star in a DreamWorks feature remake of British TV show The Persuaders. [Variety]

Yes, you might experience fleeting feelings of pity for the once-proud man who played Rambo and Rocky Balboa. But please, don't judge. What would you do if your last-ditch effort at a comeback on reality TV was canceled after one season, and your face, once the most famous in the world, was robbed of its ability to poignantly grimace by a variety of ill-advised cosmetic procedures?

These days, no matter how much coffee we drink, we can't seem to wake up without a morning update of the latest developments in the highly effective publicity partnership of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Their latest transgressions against a century of Hollywood public relations doctrine began at the MTV Movie Awards and ended at the Batman Begins junket, according to Page Six:

While actor Russell Crowe is out promoting Cinderella Man by waging a very public, bloody battle against poor customer service in hotels, producer Brian Grazer is taking a more peaceful tack, turning the spotlight on himself (he's selfless that way) and discussing the superproducing process that single-handedly generates Imagine Entertainment's hits with the LAT:

· The real-life "Turtle" ("Donkey," improbably) is still waiting for Marky Mark to make his life like the one he has on Entourage.
· "There's not much I can do at this point anymore. I feel like the more I kind of defend myself, then the more they say. I'm just such an easy target, I guess. I don't know why I'm so interesting." Hmmm...good point, Lindsay. Why are you so goddamned interesting? Oh, that's right—the peekaboo rack, the scary weight loss, and the disarming public moments of introspection.
· Sure, people were disappointed, but at least no one wound up with a telephone-inflicted head wound.
· "Klugman, Dr. Ruth and Randall's ghost"—Who are three people we're definitely not inviting to the celebrity orgy?
· Its vast reserves of Vaseline are well-known, but is Neverland Ranch sitting on black gold as well?

Despite the astro-kabuki theater of CAA's stunt delivery of the Halo script to every studio in town, the buzz we've been hearing is that it's all been smoke and mirrors for a "horrible" script. We haven't talked to anyone who's claimed to have read it, but the assistants are ripping into it like the space-suited couriers threw a hot latte into their faces before suggesting a three-way with their mothers. (Is anyone really offering "two executives and a pack of gum"? Sounds like an overbid.) We suppose we might hear about how bad it is shortly, as the agency-imposed negotiating window supposedly snaps shut at 5pm, at which time the armored lackeys will be repurposed for unpacking the crates of fresh babies for tomorrow's CAA breakfast buffet.

Are we entering a new era of publicist lockdowns? Today's Page Six describes how Angelina Jolie's lawyer warns journalists that they can't discuss her personal life or use their interview "in a manner that is disparaging, demeaning or derogatory to Ms. Jolie," and now Lindsay Lohan, out junketeering for Herbie: Fully Loaded has a list of banned topics that turns interviews into meta-discussions of her life. From Zap2it.com:

In a very special Monday afternoon edition of Hollywood PrivacyWatch, a reader salvages an otherwise routine meal at the Ivy with a pair of sightings (really, why else leave the house to eat?), starring two of the entertainment industry's most electrifying personalities: