· Why is Billy Idol chainsawing a sunroof into a Lamborghini? Fuck you, that's why. [Just to clear up some confusion, it's "Viva La" Bam Margera's car.]
· Hayden Christensen: May Not Be Gay, But...
· Oh, did we mention Katie Holmes canned her manager? Was it because he warned her that constantly making out with Tom Cruise would be career suicide? Nah...
· Available now on a dirty blanket on a black market sidewalk near you: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Special Edition, directed by Jerry Bruckheimer.
· Michael Jackson's prison: a preview.
· The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke gives Anne Bancroft a surprisingly sentimental send-off.

· Rebecca Heller signs Surf Like a Girl, more of an empowering how-to guide than an invitation to be a wave-riding sissy, at Borders in Santa Monica. Does anyone say tubular anymore? Tubular.
· We tend to break out in hives at the mere suggestion that we do something "cultural," but that shouldn't stop you from being classy: The Getty hosts a lecture on Rembrandt’s late religious portraits. If his paintings are nearly as good as his tooth-whitening system, your ass is going to be blown right off your body.
· Three shows, musical: Mark Gardener (from RIDE) at the Derby; Jason Faulkner at the Viper Room; Ash at the Knitting Factory.

Through the magic of our exclusive StallionVision™, we're able to provide you, the blog consumer, with a more robust multimedia experience of this PrivacyWatch sighting of Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson at Dodger Stadium:

Your guesses for this week's blind item game are real, and they're spectacular. Take another lap around One Secret Suck-Face (and then Some) Blind Vice before continuing on:

We promised ourselves that we were done with all Cruise-related activities for the day (unless you count the uncontrollable facial tics that result every time we picturing him kissing Katie Holmes), but how can we ignore Cruise's interview with Entertainment Weekly, in which the international movie star/part-time drug counselor drops some serious faux-knowledge about psychiatry's murderous tools? Especially after he refers to Brooke Shields' belief in the efficacy of antidepressants as "misinformed"?

A reader checks in with this brief account of the action outside Tuesday's Mr. and Mrs. Smith premiere, where a certain famously shrinking actress got a bone-rattling fame-check at the hands of Brad Pitt:

Look, we're not going to lie to you. We went out last night, got grievously drunk (on a school night, no less), and forgot to TiVo Tom Cruise's appearance on Leno, so this AP story is the first account we've read. We know, we've failed you (but surely you're used to that by now, we fail you upwards of 12 times per day), but more importantly, we've failed Tom Cruise. How can we properly recognize his exhaustive efforts to publicly legitimize his highly successful publicity partnership if we're out guzzling liquid pain-relief, instead of watching Cruise perform a pale, face-saving imitation of the "look at how hopelessly insincere fake love looks from atop a couch!" dance for Jay Leno? We're not fit to thrust ourselves downward and exuberantly punch the ground that Cruise's feet would stand on, if the power of ersatz love weren't suspending him six inches above it. And so we apologize in the threefold manner of our Biblical forebears: We're sorry, we're sorry, we're sorry.

· SAG/AFTRA resolve their dispute with video game producers without striking, negotiating a 36% percent increase in base payment. But the video game industry gets more like Hollywood studios every day, escaping without paying residuals. [Variety]
· Finally, proof that Steve Seagal is still alive: A production company attempts to sue the actor back to the Hard to Kill Age for delaying filming on two movies by arriving late, bringing a disruptive entourage, and rewriting the scripts on set. The lawsuit does not attempt to penalize Seagal for lacking acting skill, however. [THR]
· Barry Diller will sell his sake in Universal for $3.4 billion, handing NBC Universal full control, and prompting Viacom co-president Les Moonves to issue a press release assuring the industry that while Viacom had nothing to do with the transaction, Jeff Zucker "will continue to be my bitch for the foreseeable future." [Variety]
· Inexplicably large numbers of viewers tune in to watch celebrities dancing on ABC. [THR]
· Focus Features exec Glen Basner signs on for an extedned period of pain and humiliation at the hands of the Weinstein brothers. [Variety]

Wherein we invite our readers to marvel at the seemingly supernatural powers of humpy E! gossip prestidigitator Ted Casablanca and guess the identity of the sedated rabbit pulled out of his blind-item hat. This week's challenge falls right into Ted's wheelhouse, publicly hetero actors engaging in "semi-private poof-poundings," perhaps the finest phrase ever produced by the master. Ladle on a liberal amount of One Secret Suck-Face (and then Some) Blind Vice:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's handlers can go through the public charade of booking the couple into separate hotels until Mr. and Mrs. Smith opens, but they can't stop the couple from indiscreetly ordering room service to replenish their energy levels for another round of filthy, furniture-rattling hotel porking. Says Page Six:

BoingBoing points out this pullquote (from an actual Boston Globe review) on the cover of an illegal Eternal Sunshine DVD in their Crappy Bootleg DVD Flickr pool, prompting the holographic representation of MPAA pirate hunter emeritus Jack Valenti to appear suddenly beside a sidewalk vendor in downtown Los Angeles and issue this statement: "I say to you that the unauthorized use of hilariously misapplied review copy on substandard, contraband DVD cover art is to legitimate entertainment industry concerns as the fiery meatus of Satan's infernal member is to the pristine hindquarters of an otherwise naked altar boy bending over to tie his shoes."

In a talk show moment that fell somewhat short of Hugh Grant's sheepish admission to Jay Leno that getting blown by a hooker on Hollywood Boulevard probably wasn't the wisest move, Olympic-level phone-tosser Russell Crowe went on Letterman last night to issue yet another public apology. From the NY Daily News:

· Funny, we always thought that the golden popcorn at the MTV Movie Awards was inedible.
· Why does everything Michael Jackson touch go bad?
· In case you think that fake-shopping for Paris and Paris at Macy's isn't fancy enough, they've also not registered at Tiffany.
· The Butterscotch Stallion ain't buying what the Dalai Lama's selling.
· Ananova thinks that Lindsay Lohan "needs a good pie or two." We think they're talking about food, but that may be some kind of drug lingo that hasn't yet crossed the pond.

· Vanity Fair's Christopher Hitchens sits down with KCRW’s "Left, Right, and Center" host Matt Miller at the Skirball Cultural Center tonight to discuss Hitch's (see the tie-in with yesterday's Hitch event?) new book, Thomas Jefferson, Author of America.
· Music round-up: Sleater-Kinney at the Henry Fonda (should be a great place to score with indie chicks, no matter your gender); Dirty Little Secret at Boardner's; John Doe (of X) at King King.
· David Sedaris reads Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim at Vroman's Bookstore. We mention this only because we're secretly in love with his sister. Oops, not so secretly.

Just a day after his publicists released a statement all but accusing a hotel clerk's face of angrily throwing itself at the phone Russell Crowe was patiently holding, the actor has completely reversed course and accepted the blame for the incident in an interview with Australia's Daily Telegraph:

In our continuing effort to keep you updated on all incremental, essentially meaningless updates in the ongoing saga of Dave Chappelle and his eponymous, indefinitely-delayed show, we note that the AP reports that Comedy Central's prodigal, $50 million son finally met with president Doug Herzog on Friday. Unsurprisingly, a spokesman for the network refused to disclose what was discussed at the "I'm Not Crazy And Would Like To Keep My Money, Please" summit, but allowed that Herzog and Chappelle are committed to reaching a resolution just as soon as the comedian feels ready, or whenever the supply of "South African chill-out herbs" that Chappelle brought as a peace offering was cashed, whichever happens first.

The official Brett Ratner X-Men Franchise DestructionWatch begins in earnest with this MTV.com interview, in which the director attempts to convince the public that he was the right choice to helm 'X3' by promising more laughs, speaking in the third person, and perhaps most reassuringly, demonstrating that any ego-dissociative disorders he's suffering from do not include delusions that he's actually Joe Schumacher:

Really, how hard could the transition from lazy days hand-feeding the llamas while lounging by the Elephant Man's bones to watching Monster Garage on the community TV with the Aryan Brotherhood possibly be? We guess it all depends on how quickly Jackson takes to repeated anal rape, but he seems like a quick study.

A reader has just informed us that Sunset-Gower Studios is "on fire," but was frustratingly short on details. So if you work on that lot, take a look around, and if you see that it's on fire, run to safety at Pinot or Starbucks or (gasp!) Denny's. If you work at Paramount, why not take a stroll up Gower and let us know what's going on? The local TV stations seem much more concerned with Ambush Makeover and Judge Joe Brown than with the conflagration allegedly taking place in the middle of Hollywood. Developing...

· Skeletal executive presence Sumner Redstone remains "personally committed" to splitting up Viacom and to installing his daughter Shari as vice-chair and continuing the family dynasty. [Variety]
· Apparently not bothered by the piles of bone dust that have accumulated in the host chair, Bob Costas accepts a spot as Larry King's permanent sub. [THR]
· Brad Grey approves M:I 3 for production, immediately calls studio services to have Tom Cruises's signature footprints of joy removed from the couch in his office. .[Variety]
· Soon-to-be Disney CEO Bob Iger promises not to neglect the new-media stepchildren, realizing that the shaft of their "traditional businesses" gets enough attention as it is. [THR]
· Universal picks Justin "Better Luck Tomorrow" Lin to direct the Diesel-less, Tyrese-starved 3 Fast 3 Furiouser. [Variety]