At the risk of becoming a pawn in the effort to induce a feeding frenzy for Microsoft's Halo project, we present this picture (it's hit our inbox more times than we care to count in the last 10 minutes) of the minions dispatched by the evil lifeforms at CAA to deliver the scripts to the studios. From the assistant tracking wires:
A very quick guide to movie promotion, courtesy of Russell Crowe:
· More proof that God hates nerds: After an exhaustive search determined that every other director in Hollywood has mysteriously been turned to dust, Fox names Brett Ratner to ruin take over X3. [H'wood incest alert: Bryan Singer ditched X3 to direct the new Superman movie, to which Ratner was previously attached.] [Variety]
· Doubt, Spamalot win a bunch of Tonys. Somewhere, a midlevel development executive pitches the idea of adapting Spamalot into a movie. [THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, part XXVI: Kurt Russell, Richard Dreyfuss, and Emmy Rossum join cast of Wolfgang Peterson's Poseidon Adventure remake for Warner Brothers. We suppose it's still too soon for a Titanic remake, so this will have to do. [Variety]
· Do they even count the Nielsens in the summer? A new Family Guy helps Fox to tie ABC (Housewives is in reruns) in the key demo. [THR]
· Oscar nominated Hotel Rwanda writer Keir Pearson gets out of genocide-writing jail, will pen the story of an Al-Qaeda-trained CIA informant for Paramount. [Variety]
With last night's disappointing Entourage premiere (and it's not like the bar was set so high last season, other than the Jeremy Piven scenes) out of the way, we're reminded that Piven's fictional, bitch-hugging agent Ari Gold is at least partly based on reportedly real, ten percent eminence/Agent Dance mascot Ari Emanuel. NY Daily News JV gossipist Lloyd Grove induces executive producer Mark "Hey, What About My Life? That Could Be A Show, Right?" Wahlberg to discuss the intersection of the real-life and make-believe Aris, as well as his own Emanuel run-ins:
Tom Cruise continued his Turn Off The World publicity tour (What exactly is he promoting again? We think it's a badly-written romantic comedy involving that chick from Dawson's) with an interview that aired on the Australian 60 Minutes this weekend. And once again, a foreign reporter (shades of his infamous Spiegel interview, with a little Access Hollywood thrown in) manages to work Cruise into a Hubbardy lather over Scientology, as the star charmingly compares the insinuation that his "church" is perceived by some to be part of the "lunatic fringe" to the burning of synagogues, then manages to work in a dig at his sworn enemy, the psychiatric profession:
The box office numbers that give order to your otherwise chaotic existence:
· Jackie Chan Vs. The Copyright Pirates: easily ten times more entertaining (and more competently directed) than Rush Hour 3 ever could have been.
· Why does it suddenly seem like Paris Latsis has an excellent chance at pulling off the elusive mother-daughter three-way?
· "It's just some people sitting around thinking: 'How can we make some more money?'" Gene Wilder shows his masterful understanding of Hollywood's creative process.
· Britney Spears can't shut up about how much sex she's getting since semipro bastard-maker K-Fed knocked her up.
· Runaway Bride: The Mugshot
Dave Chappelle's brief, Wednesday night "Hey, Look At How Not Crazy I Am" comedy tour also hit the Comedy Store on Sunset, where comedian Brody Stevens snapped some photographic evidence of Chappelle's Hollywood homecoming. Lurking off-camera was Bob Saget, who once mysteriously disappeared from the set of America's Funniest Home Videos in 1989 for ten minutes of "chill-out time," but returned well before Time had a chance to run a story on his whereabouts.
Friday
· Tonight's Arclight "21+ screening" features Madagascar. Kind of an odd choice for an adult-only affair, but whatever. Why not get shitfaced to take your mind off your DreamWorks Animation stock?
· Friday night music: Of Montreal at The Vanguard Theater (the show moved from The Echo, apparently); The Dan Band clowns around at Avalon; and in case you missed them last night (Spike Jonze didn't!), The Pixies have temporarily set up shop at The Wiltern.
Saturday
· Photographs of people doin' it, where "it" refers to sex-related stuff: "The History of Sex" at the Erotic Museum in Hollywood.
· Every indie kid's favorite fuzzy radio station, KXLU, is holding their "Fundrazor" at the Knitting Factory, with Shoot Out the Lights, Her Space Holiday, My Barbarian, and Wires on Fire. Meanwhile, the Mars Volta are out for themselves at the Greek Theater.
Sunday
· The first annual LA Art Fest, held downtown this weekend, will make you ask, "Is that some kind of avant-garde, living sculpture, or a homeless guy angrily shaking his fist at me for staring at him?"
· If you live in Los Angeles, chances are you know at least fifteen people participating in the 3rd Annual Los Angeles Improv Comedy Festival at Improv Olympic. Better show up or risk getting subpar service from your neglected barista.
Go forth into the summer and taste Hollywood's cinematic delights, but only in accordance with the numbers listed below.
Last week, the world (yes, the entire world, from Sally Struther's starving African children to the troops in Iraq, a veritable rainbow of hopelessly smitten humanity) was relieved when a story about an impending divorce between Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey was quickly retracted. So we're confident that this radio interview, in which an ex-girlfriend of Bam "Jackass/Viva La Bam" Margera reveals that he and Johnny Knoxville both "F'd" Simpson, will bounce harmlessly off the happy, Teflon couple. Perez Hilton helpfully transcribes the interview:
The push to properly recognize Rosie O'Donnell's groundbreaking work in Riding The Bus With My Sister, a Hallmark-sponsored training film about proper bus-pass utilization for the nation's differently-abled (but surprisingly fashion-forward) commuters, has leapt from the dead-tree edition of Variety to its website (you may have to reload the page to see it). Unfortunately, the banner ad fails to fully embrace the interactive and multimedia possibility of the interweb; clicking it sends you to a static page about the movie, rather than something more involving, like a Flash game in which you try to assist Rosie in quickly selecting a pair of mismatched sneakers while the bus driver impatiently honks his horn outside.
· CBS Network sales president Jo Ann Ross on their upfront advertising riches: "We are happy with the share-shift we are getting from NBC." Somewhere, Les Moonves is laughing his ass off, as "share-shift" is his secret code for "Jeff Zucker is my bitch." [Variety]
· Fox gives American Dad an additional 13 episode order, allowing the network to trick viewers into thinking they're watching The Family Guy until 2007. [THR]
· Everything old is new again, but not as good: New Line and Benderspink are producing an updated Mr. Mom called, hilariously, Stay at Home Tom. [Variety]
· Desperate Housewives, Lost, Veronica Mars, House, and Rescue Me are all up for best new program at the TCA's, while Who's Your Daddy? is criminally overlooked. [THR]
· Emmy-winning Arrested Development directors Joe and Anthony Russo sign on for the Universal comedy You, Me and Dupree, starring Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson. Run free, you magnificent steed! [Variety]
This headline hangs above a Rush & Molloy story about how Max Baer Jr. has accused director Ron Howard of playing fast and loose with the facts about Baer's boxer father in Cinderella Man. Poppycock! Has Jethro never seen A Beautiful Mind, the most stunningly accurate depiction of mental illness ever committed to film, which finally taught the world that schizophrenics go through life accompanied by a gang of adorable imaginary friends? Howard's record in such matters is unimpeachable.
According to the LA Business Journal (via The Malibu Times), with a net worth of $4.3 billion, entertainment mogul/public beach gatekeeper David Geffen is the richest man in Malibu. Huzzah! Unfortunately, the announcement was tinged with sadness, as the congratulatory parade of rent-boys sent to Geffen by the Malibu Chamber of Commerce was tragically gunned down by an overzealous zealous member of the Gay Mafia don's security detail for marching too close to Geffen's compound without authorization. (Really, they should've called ahead.) If Geffen plans on wearing the "Malibu's Richest Man" sash the parade was attempting to deliver, he's going to have to send it out to the dry cleaner. Those blood stains are a bitch to get out.
