Let's help out all the headline writers, shall we?

Holy fuck, it's a double siren! Remember this day, because you'll be telling your grandchildren about it — that is, assuming you don't die first of sheer anticipation.

We were going to make this announcement earlier today, but who the hell gets up before 4 PM? Certainly not the Olsen twins — or, as we like to call them, the BIRTHDAY GIRLS! Wheee!

You know how it is: It hits 3:30 or 4, and suddenly you can't quite keep your eyes open. As we were in the other room making iced coffee, which seemed the obvious thing to do in that situation, an email came in about the top ten ways to stay awake at work, as determined by a poll of nearly 5,500 respondents. Some we do we regularly, some we've done occasionally, and some we're pretty sure it'd be frowned upon to do in our office.

· Do you hate all the annoying skits on rap CDs? Blame Prince Paul for starting the trend on De La Soul's 3 Feet High and Rising. Show him your lack of appreciation as takes the stage with Mr. Len (half of the disbanded Company Flow) at APT tonight. [flavorpill]
· Wes Anderson's The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou kind of sucked, but don't take it out on Seu Jorge. The man who sang all those Bowie songs in Portuguese brings his unique brand of Brazilian samba to (fittingly) S.O.B.'s tonight. [SOBs]
· How many gays and fashionistas can you cram into the Union Square Barnes & Noble? Find out tonight at 7:00pm when the extrodinarily fabulous Siman Doonan dishes on everything from his cooky family to his life as Barney's arbiter of style.

Cruise: "Listen, the thing you've got to know about Katie is that she's an incredibly bright and self-determined woman. She makes her own decisions."

Trump Parc, for the birds: The city's most famous lovebirds have become grandparents — and fans of Pale Male and Lola are chirping with joy.

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Citing the experiences of a "freelance production coordinator" and a "production manager" who once found someone to fill a job through a buddy list, Wired has put its finger on the cyberpulse of Hollywood and extrapolated identified a red-hot trend: getting work via IM:

· Naomi Campbell lands a sweet deal with E! television for her own reality show — too bad Benny Medina, who scored the contract, isn't her manager and secured himself 25% of her earnings. Someone's gonna get beat, we can feel it in the air. [Gatecrasher]
· Candace Bushnell asserts that she has no concerns for her future by mocking Condé Nast king Si Newhouse in her latest novel. [Lowdown]
· Reality show pony Brittny Gastineau continues her downward spiral by reportedly engaging in some heavy petting with Paris Hilton's former thug, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. [Page Six]
· Heidi Fleiss eyes starting a sex resort near Las Vegas. It will, of course, be an upscale operation — the low-end hookers are still in Atlantic City. [R&M]

This was taken at approximately 7:30 this morning.

It's a niche rental.

Just because he got completely slapped down by Shelly Silver and Joe Bruno last week, you thought Bloomberg would have to give up on his Olympic dreams? Ha. Like so many of us, once the mayor realized he couldn't afford the Manhattan real estate he coveted, he reluctantly shifted his sights to the outer boroughs.

Despite the heat, yesterday's Puerto Rican Day parade was about pure celebration. Amongst the hundreds of thousands of revelers, a mere 120 members of the Latin Kings gang were arrested, an lone three people were stabbed, just a handful of guns, knives, and drugs were confiscated, and only two NYPD officers were drunkenly groping women. By all accounts, the event was a smashing success.

We feel bad for Gary Rabin. We really do. He's the big swinging dick on the cover of yesterday's Times real-estate section, the guy who just didn't have enough space in his 19.6-foot-wide Greenwich Village brownstone.

Your Publicist Is an Idiot If...
[...]
• When you ask for a press release, she sends you back something that could be an uncorrected proof of Joyce's notoriously incomprehensible "Finnegan s Wake."

Well, I made it. I spent one week as the final guest editor here, and I somehow made it through without breaking any of the furniture. This is the first real, live blogging I've ever done, and I hope, when the new guy comes in Monday, I have not devalued the franchise to level of a penny stock, or, say, Salon. Thank you to the lovely Ms. Coen for fixing all my screwups and being a lovely host, to the readers for tolerating me and to Cinemax Adult On Demand, which filled in all those "downtime" gaps. Read The Black Table, pre-order my new book, hold your kittens tight and, of course, root for the Cardinals to whup up the Yankees this weekend. Let's get krump!—Will Leitch

· Do not be afraid of the Puerto Rican Day Parade. All will fine. No wilding here! Oh, and vote Bloomberg. [NY Post]
· Is Lindsay Lohan just re-enacting the Mean Girls movie? [T&A]
· Hee hee: Some newslady cut one on TV. Fart jokes rule. [EJB.com]

In times of crisis, we try not to be complete assholes. So: One of our loyal, handsome interns, Neel Shah, has just completed his tour of duty at everyone's favorite fake Ivy, Dartmouth (where he was referred to as a "campus gadfly"). He even graduated cum laude — but don't tell his parents, or he'll shame the family as the only Indian who failed to pull magna. Besides interning at Gawker for the past year, Neel also knows how to type words and create sentences, having honed his skills at The Black Table and the Observer.

Friday:
· DFA head honcho James Murphy and his LCD Soundsystem stop off at Webster Hall tonight for a night of foot stompin', head noddin, and underage girl ogling. [flavorpill]
· Prefer the quiet, air conditioned confines of a movie theater to the sweaty mess of Webster Hall? Film Forum hosts a James Dean retrospective in honor of the 50th anniversary of his death. Oh, who are you kidding — Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the movie that introduced "kinky African tribal sex" into our lexicon, opens today too. [Film Forum & Fandango]
Saturday:
· The East Village stopped being grimey like 10 years ago, but that hasn't stopped DJ Dinesh and his Goldspot crew from bringing their London underground beats to Tompkins Square Park today (2-6pm) for the free grime showcase "HEAT: Supreme Summer Edition." [flavorpill]
· No chance for a Triple Crown winner this year, but that doesn't mean you can't get drunk and blow all your money betting on a horse you think has a pretty name: The 137th Belmont Stakes race is today. [BS]
Sunday:
Like you ever do anything we suggest. Go back to sleep.