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All over Manhattan, celebrity weekly editors are losing their shit: Us Weekly wins the Federletus Cup, reporting that Britney Spears gave birth at 12:15 today to a healthy baby boy. Sadly, the pop star and her houseboy husband have not decided to name the child Federletus, but are reportedly leaning towards dubbing the seedling Preston Michael Spears Federline. Because names like Preston help to gloss over the hard reality of a baby born wearing a wifebeater.

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WORLDWIDE EXCLUSIVE: BRITNEY SPEARS GIVES BIRTH!!! [Us]