Us Weekly's blog points us to a brief, cryptic pronouncement buried deep in the "Love B: stream of consciousness" section of Britney Spears' official website. (Like a windswept tumbleweed rolling through the ghost town of her mind, it's the first such update in almost a year.) In a ten-word statement annulling everything we thought we held true about Spear's unwavering commitment to fake spirituality, the butterfingered fertility goddess has renounced her allegiance to that most sacrosanct of Judaism-sprinkled celebrity sects, Kabbalah.

• Pill-popping kiddie porn freaks need love too: Charlie Sheen has been using MillionaireMatch.com to meet women online. His profile says he's a talent agent, ensuring that he meets only the most desperate young things. [Gatecrasher]
• Britney Spears announces that she's done with Kabbalah; on her website, she writes, "My baby is my religion." As if Sean Preston didn't have enough problems. [Us Weekly]
• New York mag says Tina Brown's name has been dropped as a possible successor to Time managing editor Jim Kelly, but Lloyd Grove hears that New York editor Adam Moss is a more likely choice. Fuck it: we hear Lloyd Grove is in the running. [Lowdown]
• For $56K, you can enjoy a downward dog with Gwyneth Paltrow, which is probably more exciting than just going doggy. [Page Six]
• With young American soldiers dying in Iraq, what better time for Hollywood to start working on movies about the war? The reality of it all makes the drama feel more "real," you know? [R&M]
• Good Morning America producer John Green is back after a month's suspension; he's tan, 15 pounds lighter, and promises never to use the phrase "Jew guilt" ever again. [Page Six]

· We know we really should resist this lame urge, but we're so weak: Snakes on a Lesbian-Hosted Daytime Talk Show. No, we don't feel good about it, but there you have it.
· Posterwire goes inside the Lohan Wink.
· Things Britney Spears would do in a movie: nudity, play a superhero, and George Clooney.
· We just can't get enough of fallen Idol Chris Daughtry feeling sorry for himself. We get it, dude, you didn't expect to get booted off the show. Drown yourself in some 16-year-old groupies and get on with your life.

[S]he's met with her family and lawyer — but not hubby Kevin Federline — and the topic of divorce came up.

• Just because Britney Spears is knocked up again doesn't mean that she's content: rumors continue that she wants out of her marriage to Kevin Federline. So sweet of her to make the new baby special by threatening to bastardize it. [Scoop]
• Incarcerated pimp Jason Itzler claims Charlie Sheen was a stellar client, spending $20K on two lovely ladies who were thrilled to learn that the actor had a formidable package. You blew it, Denise. Dickhead. [Page Six]
• Diddy came all the way from Miami for the Time 100 party, only to learn that Oprah wasn't there. Not even the world's largest entourage can disguise that sort of disappointment. [Lowdown]
• Perhaps worried about word that Alec Baldwin is a holy terror, a publicist plants a lovely item about Baldwin's wonderful relationship with Nicole Seidel. [Page Six]
• Bionic Rolling Stone Keith Richards may be even more fucked up than previously thought. [IMDb]
• No longer in love with Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell offers to get him the help he so desperately needs. [R&M (last item)]
• Jessica Simpson's best friend and personal assistant Cacee Cobb calls it quits on the latter position. But we all know that if you quit one, you're getting fired from the other. [Us Weekly]

Shock, awe: In an unannounced appearance yesterday, Britney Spears confirmed her pregnancy to David Letterman (only marginally better than a press conference). This finally and thankfully puts an end to rampant speculation that she was simply fat.

· For reasons beyond our limited understanding of celebrity pregnancy-announcement protocol, Britney Spears will confirm that she's knocked up on Letterman tonight. By all means, promptly return to not giving a shit.
· Sooner than we care to think about, Scientology will unveil its Super Power program, and Tom Cruise will become completely unstoppable. Well, unless you ask him to open the door of an exotic automobile. They don't have a course for that yet.
· David Blaine's trainer says that if he hadn't rescued him during Blaine's unconscious convulsions, he would've broken that breath-holding record. Oh, well, better luck next stunt. We prefer to remember the magician in happier times.
· If we knew that you don't actually have to make the lease payments for a $1300/month Benz, we could afford one just like Kanye's.
· Josh Lucas might have the best-lit apartment of any actor we can think of.

With a perfume-to-new-album ratio of 3:0 since 2004, budding fragrance mogul Britney Spears has proven that her fans are so desperate to buy anything with her name on it that she can move 10 million bottles of her various scents despite a creative output limited to one highly ill-advised marriage and an accompanying, gravitationally challenged offspring. However, Spears' newest perfume product, In Control, seems to hint at some long overdue changes in her personal life:

With the widely rumored press conference never having materialized, the world is still waiting on a definitive answer as to whether or not Britney Spears is pregnant with her second child. Spears has her burgeoning acting career to focus on in the meantime, however. As you may recall, a recent appearance on Will & Grace had producers falling all over themselves to find the perfect, not entirely disparaging words of faint praise for their guest star's acting talent, and there were rumors she might even be getting her own show. But according to British tabloid (red flag #1) the Sunday Mirror, Spears' fired (red flag #2) acting coach thinks her stagecraft might not be quite there:

• Red-carpet watchers spend far too long studying pictures of TomKat and conclude that Cruise has started wearing lifts too appear less Lilliputian. Developing... [Lowdown]
• And in other TomKat news, did the Church of Scientology buy $9,000 worth of tickets for their messiah's premiere of MI:3? If so, it certainly didn't do much to bolster the box office — and besides, wouldn't Tom host a free screening at the Celebrity Center? [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Finally, lest TomKat make a single, undocumented move, Tom spends over $900 on Mother's Day flowers for his captured bride-to-be. [Scoop]
• The bloating makes her cranky: Britney Spears refuses to pay for K-Fed to go to Vegas for a weekend on her dime, and thus her husband is grounded without allowance. [Page Six]
• Kimora Lee gets no public love from her semi-estranged husband Russell Simmons, who publicly treats his Phat Baby like a leper. [R&M (last item)]
• Publicist Jonathan Cheban sells off his Clarendon clothing label and launches a new one called Kritik. Because everyone's one — get it? Sure to be loved by many a spelling-challenged Lohan. [Page Six]

• NB to Scarlett Johansson: You're ours, bitch. You're just pretty property of the paparazzi. If you continue to fight it, you'll only continue to embarrass yourself. [Gilded Moose]
• Uh, breaking? Britney Spears did not have a press conference today to address pregnancy rumors. So, you know, back to rampant and unfounded speculation. [BlogNYC]
• One man dared to follow Tom Cruise all over town yesterday. That man is to be respected, but only from afar. Get too close, and he seems kind of scary. [Confessions of a Celebrity Stalker]
• Now that Mexico has legalized marijuana, cocaine, and heroin, you'll have a much easier time deciding on a vacation locale. [NY Sun]
• When it comes to Kaavya Viswanathan satire, Forbes' Karl Shmavonian gives Mediabistro's Laurel Touby a run for her money. [Forbes]
• Our dark master emerges from his gilded loft! Oh, the sunlight, how it stings! [Blogebrity]
• In the Times' write-up of the Costume Institute Gala, there's but one line you need to read to understand it all: "'Can you believe they're giving us pies?' a British model said when a lamb pie was put in front of her." [NYT]
• Herve Villachez, just because we feel like it. [Pimpadelic Wonderland via Vidiot]

The procreative drama unfolding within the proscenium arches of Britney Spears' uteral walls has kept much of the world guessing with giddy anticipation: Is the celebrity baby-dropper indeed with child, or merely experiencing some extended Twinkie-bulge? Would she, as IMDB notes, be making a definitive announcement on the contents of her belly today? And to further complicate nursery matter, In Touch Weekly, the world's most trusted authority on fishy-smelling Britney Spears stories, is reporting that Spears has painted a room in her mansion pink, and has added a new, full-time babysitter to the payroll. This one, however, is for her husband:

• Inspired by the tactics of Tom Cruise, Britney Spears may be holding a press conference later today to formally announce her pregnancy. Supposedly Federletus 2 is a girl. [IMDb]
• Unfortunately, Britney's dipping into the new baby's college fund to pay for the minder she's hired to keep an eye on houseboy Keving Federline. [Scoop]
• When aren't Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger fighting in court over custody of their 10-year-old daughter? And there's no way that poor kid has sat through all of this drama completely sober. [Page Six]
• Maury Povich, who's accused of cheating on wife Connie Chung with one of his producers, is now suspected of having a second mistress. Ladies, honestly. Maury Povich. Get ahold of yourselves. [R&M]
• After falling out of a coconut tree in Fiji, Rolling Stone Keith Richards' brain is hemorrhaging; the rocker must undergo an operation to drain blood from his skull, after which he's expected to make a complete recovery. If his body can survive the 70's, it certainly can handle this. [Page Six]
• News you can't use: North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il got pervy with former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. [Lowdown]

Having determined that it would be impractical to fire herself as mother following infant Sean Preston's much-publicized tumble from a high chair two weeks ago, Britney Spears decided to dismiss the baby's nanny, according to celebrity childcare trade publication In Touch Weekly. Spears, however, was still not satisfied that removing the one person in her household responsible for the tyke's well-being guaranteed total infant safety, and quickly contracted a doctor to consult on other ways she can keep her firstborn from being victimized by future gravity-related incidents:

• Us Weekly announces that Britney Spears is pregnant again. You sleep with K-Fed once, fine. We all make mistakes. But to let that thing into your pants twice? That's cause for a public stoning. Meanwhile: sculptors, please get started on your new pieces. [Us Weekly]
• Nick Lachey feels the sting of Jann Wenner's cruel editorship: after sitting down for an interview thinking it would be for the cover of Rolling Stone, he was surprised to find himself on the cover of Us instead. That's what he gets for not talking more shit about his creepy former father-in-law. [Page Six]
• Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher continues to solicit pity in her new memoir. At any rate, we pity her for actually writing the thing. [R&M]
• West Winger wunderwriter Aaron Sorkin takes his crack-smoking past and turns it into art. Naturally, Matthew Perry has a co-starring role. [Page Six]
• Yesterday we declared Denise Richards to be one of the dumbest rocks to ever rest in the celebrity garden, but maybe we misjudged. By playing nice with the paparazzi, Richards maintains the upper hand in the celebrity weekly war. [Lowdown]
• Rather than put in 240 hours of community service for drunk driving, Lost star Michelle Rodriguez opts for 5 days in the slammer. Bitch is hardcore. [TMZ]

Excuse us if we can't muster any enthusiasm for the announcement of Britney Spears' pregnancy, as happy as we are that it will eventually yield a much-needed, second paparazzi getaway driver/high chair structural integrity tester for the family, relieving some of the enormous pressure on Sean Preston to hold down both jobs. But between the recent, suspicious arrival of the Miracle Baby and the crushing anticipation surrounding the Chosen One's impending Namibian birth, there's just no more room in our hearts right now. We're sure you understand.

The Scoop notes baby-durability-tester Britney Spears may sue the makers of the high chair that her 7-month-old son was sitting in moments before a failed escape attempt resulted in a non-serious infant skull fractures and subsequent visit from family services:

• After her baby Sean was effectively dropped on his head, Britney Spears looks to sue the makers of the high chair the child had been in. If only she could sue the makers of retarded white trash, too. Then all her problems would be accounted for. [Scoop]
• Oh, yeah — Brooke Shields also had her baby yesterday. Just to spite Tom Cruise, Baby Grier (that's a girl's name, apparently) is already on antidepressants. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Spikey-haired producer Brian Grazer has filed for legal separation from his wife Gigi — but not divorce. Pussy too scared to take it all the way? [TMZ]
• An elevator at the Gansevoort hotel was overcrowded, causing a free-fall that stopped between the fourth and fifth floors and forced everyone to pry their way out. That's what happens when you have 18 drunken Eurotrashers in a confined space. [Page Six]
• Eminem is devasted after the death of his friend, D-12 rapper Proof. The death should be an uplifting occasion — now Proof has street cred in heaven. Meanwhile, his ex-wife has taken to emailing Star magazine. No wonder he's suicidal. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie, lesbian sex, exotic dancers, heroin, death — just another day in 1995. [Page Six]

• John Travolta and Kelly Preston's son, Jett, may be autistic — but, as ardent Scientologist, they won't do a thing about it. And so poor Jett goes back to staring at 246 toothpicks. [R&M]
• An anonymous caller called the city's Child Services to make damaging and unsupported claims about View co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Unfortunately, raising your child in a Republican household doesn't qualify as abuse. [Lowdown]
• Dropping your baby on his head is OK, too: Los Angeles' child services closes its investigation of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. [IMDb]
• Good Charlotte rocker Benji Madden turns the normally idyllic Misshapes party into a violent hell, pounding the life out of a hipster in the process. We're so fucking proud of him, seriously. [Page Six]

We nearly fell off our high chairs and fractured our skulls when we first read the lede to this Reuters story, which was clearly written to trick readers into thinking Andy Dick was getting his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame: