Star magazine is reporting—in a Britney's Baby Skull Fracture Exclusive!—that the real reason for the Child and Family Services field trip to the Spears residence on Saturday had nothing to do with The Unsecured Drivers-Side Baby Incident, but was to follow-up on a child-abuse claim filed after the family visited to the hospital after the toddler tumbled from a high chair* and suffered a "scalp fracture." But the Sheriff's Department has already told TMZ.com that the investigation is closed, perhaps sparing us a wave of catch-up cover stories from the other glossies offering the opinions of Celebrity Baby Elevated Seating Experts opining on how such an accident could transpire in the Spears household.

The Insider reports that the Department of Children and Family Services finally showed up at Britney Spears' house in Malibu on Saturday afternoon to investigate the February incident in which Spears allegedly escaped her paparazzi tormentors by driving away with her newborn baby in her lap. (When we offered to name the child a year ago, we weren't just whistling Dixie.) But before you let yourselves become enchanted with an image of government functionaries in windbreakers kicking in the door, pressing a foot into the back of Kevin Federline's neck while pointing semiautomatic weapons in the direction of his cornrows, then hustling out of the house with young Sean Preston wrapped up in a blanket, US Weekly says that the visit was merely a "political" necessity, not an indication that Federline might soon be relieved of his biological unemployment insurance policy. The couple was informed ahead of time of the investigators' drop-in, allowing plenty of time to prepare a demonstration of the safety of their parental supervision that included duct-taping the baby to a high chair inside the house while leading their guests outside to showily torch the infamous vehicle that once endangered their offspring.

[Click to enlarge, if you must.]

After the Earth-shattering buzz following Britney Spears' recent guest appearance on Will & Grace (read: a half-dozen West Hollywood viewing parties shriek-laughing between sips of White Trash Russians), there are rumors that the singer-actress is looking to swap the order of her hybrid multi-talents, putting acting first:

Britney Spears' long journey from sitting on her couch putting away Nutter Butters to the small screen is finally over tonight, when she makes her much anticipated guest appearance on Will & Grace. It's a canny move on the part of both parties, with Britney netting some mainstream exposure that doesn't involve her mistaking Sean Preston for a driver's side airbag, and W&G getting, well, some viewers. Still, stunt celebrity casting can be an iffy proposition: There's never any guarantee that your beloved gay pop icon can actually deliver the comic goods. (See: Madonna, Tone-deaf line readings by.) Happily, W&G show runner Gary Janetti tells USA Today, that wasn't the case this time around:

Natural bearskin birthing spokesmodel Britney Spears can always be relied upon to be at the center of multiple ridiculous lawsuits and brushes with the law. To keep you up to date with the latest on the Spears legal docket, a Britney Justice round-up:
· Britney's songwriters (wait—she doesn't write them herself?) are accusing a South Korean singer named Lee Hyo-lee of having "partially plagiarized" a song called "Do Something." (We've never heard of it, but we'll assume it's an empowering disco track a la "I Will Survive" in which a fed up Britney confronts Kevin Federline once and for all).

• Not content with going after Bob Schieffer's sloppy seconds, Katie Couric is now taking Laura Ingraham's as well. [Lowdown]
• Fidel Castro likes Serrano ham. This was Page Six's lead item. [Page Six]
• Crackhead Pete pleads guilty on seven counts of possession, kicks reporter. Ever feel like Crackhead Pete gets more done by 9 A.M. than you do all day? [NME]
• Britney Spears seen pounding shots. At this point her condition has been downgraded from "pregnant" to "gut." [R&M]
• Michael Jackson wants to meet, molest, extraterrestrials. Yeah, that's the joke we're going with for this one. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

· Still more SoaP mania: The Snakes on a Plane Quote Tracker is soliciting more fan-generated dialogue that must be included in the movie. Right now it's a little heavy on the Airplane! references and motherfucker jokes, but we bet that'll even out.
Without US Weekly, K-fed's lyrical inspiration would probably be limited to rhymes about his old lady bitching about forgetting to change the shorty's diapers.
· Seriously, though, that sculpture of Britney will haunt our dreams for years to come.
We've always thought that Grape Guzzling Sluts VIII would be a great name for a wine.
· Now presenting Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, and Paris Hilton in The Quest for More Blow, courtesy of Chevy, The Apprentice, and the deliberate misuse of stupid promotional technology.

There is absolutely nothing that we could write about the above sculpture, artist Daniel Edwards' "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," that could possibly top the prose in this section of the press release:

• The art you've always wanted: A sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth. On a bearskin rug. And "the crowning of baby Sean's head." Where would you find such a thing? In Williamsburg, of course. [Send2Press]
• This week's Times correction of the week: "An article in The Metro Section on March 8 profiled Donna Fenton, identifying her as a 37-year-old victim of Hurricane Katrina who had fled Biloxi, Miss., and who was frustrated in efforts to get federal aid as she and her children remained as emergency residents of a hotel in Queens. Yesterday, the New York police arrested Ms. Fenton, charging her with several counts of welfare fraud and grand larceny. Prosecutors in Brooklyn say she was not a Katrina victim, never lived in Biloxi and had improperly received thousands of dollars in government aid." People are so nit-picky these days. [NYT]
• AC 360 finds a new scourge to campaign against: The evil practice of puppy smuggling. [CNN]
• There are dates that end well and dates that end less well. And then there are dates the end in night court. Even worse, without Judge Harry T. Stone. Yikes. [CourtTV]
• Is this for real? Who knows. But it would seem that Mobile, Ala., residents found themselves a leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day, according to the local NBC affiliate. [YouTube]

• Bruce Willis settles conflict between U.S. and Colombia, tells our troops to stand down. [R&M]
• Peggy Siegal gets whisked about the country via private jet while Liz Smith must suffer the indignities of airport security. Truly, there is no justice in this world.[Liz Smith]
• If you want to read an item that features both "Sting" and "fantasy sex parties," go ahead. We won't judge you. Although we're pretty sure God will.. [Page Six]
• Britney Spears is probably not pregnant, based on the logic that she was seen drinking a Cosmo. And we all know how responsible a mom she is. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Is Howard Stern's hair real? Is your life so empty that this is actually a question that concerns you? If you're Lloyd Grove, the answers are no and yes, respectively. [Lowdown]

• Following in Mel Gibson's footsteps, Vin Diesel says he'd really, really love to do a three-part epic based on the life of Hannibal. Featuring men in togas and sandals. In the ancient language of Punic. This is possibly the most ridiculous thing to have ever come out of Vin's mouth — aside from the time he went on TV to say he was straight, that is. [The Scoop]
• Turns out it was Tom Cruise who forced Comedy Central to cancel plans to re-air the South Park episode that takes shots at Scientology. America's most favorite OT-VII threatened to skip the publicity circuit for MI:3 if the network went ahead with the broadcast. We should be so lucky. [Page Six]
• Just how generous is Kevin Federine? He chopped off 10 inches of his precious hair to send to Locks of Love! Now do you see what Britney sees? [Lowdown]
• Paris has been dating Stavros Niarchos for, like, three decades — well, in Paris years anyway. Which means it might just be time for some fresh meat. Rich sports stars and Eurotrash: Watch your backs. [Page Six]
• Ron Perelman has selected an appropriate Ellen Barkin replacement: editor Kelly Killoren Bensimon. If history is any judge, she'll get royally screwed over sometime in early 2010 but at least she'll get lots of free shit from Revlon until then. [Page Six]

· Seriously, though? Angelina is hot and all, but we're just not gonna trust her to fly our plane. Those two are really asking for trouble.
Now this is a new one: Somebody famous having their *own* rack signed? Pamela Anderson's always been an innovator.
We completely forgot it was Steak and BJ Day. Make sure your loved one observes this important holiday.
Federline's career path seems inevitable: First the stripper pole, then turning tricks on Santa Monica Blvd.
· Lastly, to recap for anyone who won't be bothered to scroll down a little bit, Will Ferrell is still not dead.

• Oscar-winner George Clooney takes to the Huffington Post, where he lobs an eloquent "fuck you" to all Democrats who voted for the war. If Clooney blogs, does that make it sexy? Or does it make him less sexy? Discuss. [Lowdown]
• Lindsay Lohan insists she's not wearing hookerpants, but she does find "the act of love" to be "groovy." If we didn't know better, we'd say that sort of talk reeks of virginity. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Britney Spears tightens husband Kevin Federline's allowance, only giving him enough to buy three wifebeaters a day. [Page Six]
• Is the end nigh for Florent, the original gem of the Meatpacking District? [Gatecrasher]
• Alexis Glick, a former contender for Katie Couric's Today show throne, has been banished to MSNBC. [Page Six]
• Sharon Stone says her nude scenes in Basic Instinct 2 should be "disturbing." No worries there. [Scoop]

• If you didn't watch the Oscars, God bless you. But you still need to see the Three 6 Mafia's dramatic interpretation of "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp." It's your duty in maintaining pop culture relevancy. [fourfour]
• Cheers to Macy's in-house designer Allen Schwartz: the Oscars were Sunday night, and already ABS by Allen Schwartz has produced solid red-carpet knock-offs. [Us Weekly]
• When Courtney Love vacates, brokers celebrate! [NYO]
• Beloved local Oscar-winner Philip Seymour Hoffman flaunts his asscrack all over the City of Angels. [Liam McEneany Experience]
• The debate rages on: Is Britney Spears pregnant again, or just inhaling gravy? [A Socialite's Life]
• As men in suits gear up to campaign for anything and everything, one man dares to explain NYC's third party system. [East Village Red Man]
• RIP, Gordon Parks. [NYT]
• When art book publisher Powerhouse loses their lease to a restaurateur, what are they to do? Start a blog against "evil," of course. Is there anything these crazy weblogs can't do? [Powerhouse]

A few months ago Britney Spears announced she was suing Us Weekly for libel over the magazine's report that this refined lady and her debonair husband had made a sex tape and then screened it with their attorney. Not true!, insisted the Spearserlines, and now we've gotten our grubby mitts on the latest legal document protesting their innocence, filed last week in Los Angeles Superior Court.

And with a wave of her hand, Britney Spears made everyone in New Orleans forget all about that nasty hurricane business.
· TVGasm does us all a solid by making sure we never actually have to watch Deal or No Deal.
· We were ready not to enjoy Point Brokeback, the roughly one-millionth send-up of this century's most parodied film. But we watched it, as we always wind up doing, and we have to say: Swayze and Keanu would've made a pretty good gay surfer movie.
· While we're on the topic, it probably won't be long before Naked Trash-Collecting Devil Guy makes an appearance in a Brokeback mash-up.
Dr. McDreamy never stood a chance against Barbara Walters.

• Now that we're certain British crackhead Pete Doherty is a real person, we can fully appreciate his latest arrest for car theft. Oh, don't worry — he was charged with possession, too. He wouldn't drop the ball and let you down like that. [BBC]
• Funny how a handful of the featured artists at the Whitney Biennial are with or have shown at the Perry Rubenstein Gallery. Funny how Sylvia Chivaratanond, who works at the gallery, is partners with Biennial co-curator Philippe Vergne. [Anonymous Female Artist]
• Think about it: You've lost your home, your city, perhaps even your loved ones. The last thing a Katrina victim wants is an afternoon shopping with Britney Spears. [AP]
• There is no line between a normal New Yorker and an actual bad person. They're one in the same, you fucking twit. Now move. [Logged Hours]
• Stars nowadays suck. [Ad Age]
• Bad news for Broadway, as casting for the musical version of Legally Blonde is requesting "Abercrombie & Fitch fraternity and sorority types." [NewYorkology]
• Life ain't easy when you're Mark the Cobrasnake. You have to, like, wear visors and stuff, even when you don't feel like it. [Vulture Droppings]
• More headline laziness. Why not be creative? We're thinking more like "Mrs. Smith Sucks Off Washington." [Gilded Moose]

• Finally, an explanation as to why Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston: She was an underminer ("the best friend who casually destroys your life," as per the book of the same name). As her former roommate Nancy Balbirer reveals, Aniston advised her to be "more fuckable" and buy chicken cutlets to stuff her bra. In Aniston's defense, only a true friend would tell you to be a better whore. [Lowdown]
• An associate of LA nightlife's grand dame Amanda Scheer-Demme accuses rival promoter Brent Bolthouse of "selling out to the Jew." Well, that is the only way to get ahead in Hollywood. [Page Six]
• Clint Eastwood's son may be a real-life Gay Cowboy. [R&M]
• Clay Aiken fans file a formal complaint with the FTC after realizing that the American Idol runner-up was falsely marketed as anything but a big 'mo. [Page Six]
• Don't believe the Brangelina gift registry at Tiffany's — there's no way they'd have you spend your money when you could be using it to feed a one-legged Haitian orphan. [Jossip]
• NB to all gossips: chubby doesn't mean pregnant. [Scoop]

· Like her famous adoptive dad Brad Pitt, little Zahara Jolie-Pitt has a hard time turning her thoughts into recognizable words. But when he took her to the Eiffel Tower, the clever toddler still managed to communicate to her father that she recognized the place where Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes pretended to get engaged.
· Worker #3116 has 12 reasons why he'd be a better Bond than the naked guy.
· We'd forgotten that Matt Damon essentially dumped Minnie Driver on Oprah's show, but ABC News reminds us about some particularly soul-crushing celebrity break-ups.
· Britney Spears' bad taste in gurus is surpassed only by her unfortunate choice in baby daddies.
· Finally, some proof that at least two people have seen Firewall.