Only the following five movies will get you laid on the eve of Hallmark's favorite manufactured holiday:

Welcome to your Super Bowl hangover edition of the box office numbers. You really should've passed on that last Michelob Ultra.

We're going to be candid with you about something: We're spending the weekend breathing through our mouth, pounding as many handfuls of Cheetos and cans of Bud Light as our digestive system can tolerate, and acting genuinely disappointed when the Super Bowl commercials don't live up to our expectations. We do not know, nor do we care, about what's happening at the box office this weekend. Welcome to America!

With nothing new to see unless you get off on watching an acting legend further taint his career, it might've been time to catch those Oscar nominees you've been putting off seeing.

A funny thing happened while we're away at Sundance...studios continued to release movies and theaters kept showing them. Sort of. We were under the impression the rest of the world stopped while Hollywood freezes its ass off in Park City.

A funny thing happened while we're away at Sundance...studios continued to release movies and theaters kept showing them. Sort of. We were under the impression the rest of the world stopped while Hollywood freezes its ass off in Park City.

As you sit at home, enjoying your day off, take a stroll with the box office numbers.

The following may or may not happen over the coming holiday weekend.:

Your Monday morning dose of box office vitamins follows:

A totally uneventful weekend at the box office awaits!

We now refrain from addled tales of forced plastic surgery and half-assed literary allusions to turn our attention to the only place it belongs on a rainy Monday morning: the weekend box office numbers.

Christmas goes a bit ass at the box office, down $40 mil from last year's Christmas weekend—but still, can the studios really blame baby Jesus having his birthday on a Saturday for shitty turn-out, given our choices?

Enjoy your box office numbers like a Ritalin pill crushed up in your Monday morning pumpkin latte.

Treat yourself to the box office predictions that only taste indulgent. We promise they won't go to your thighs.

Another Monday morning, another restorative tango through the weekend's box office estimates.

We pull into the holiday home stretch with a fresh batch of our usual projections of questionable value. Why should anything be different because we're drinking egg nog stinking of rum?

The weekend box office estimates, transcribed for your Monday morning pleasure:

Hollywood's release schedule is in the dry-heaves phase after a couple of weeks of heavy, Thanksgiving season reverse-peristalsis. Indulge us as we pick through last week's half-digested corn and come up with a new set of box office projections.

Awaken from your three-day turkey coma and head towards the light of the weekend box office numbers. (These are three-day weekend estimates, not super-sized five-day grosses.)

Put off all thoughts of drowning yourself in your Monday morning bowl of Fruit Loops until you've had a therapeutic run through the box office numbers.