america

Teen Girl's Smashed Skull Proves Jamestown Creeps Were Cannibals

Ken Layne · 05/01/13 12:16PM

Jamestown was a gruesomely failed start to the English colonization of America. The people were malnourished and disease-ridden and too dumb to eat the bountiful fish and fruits all around them. Most of the settlers were dead within the first year, and in the second hungry winter of 1609-10, the starving survivors chopped open the skull of a newly dead 14-year-old girl and feasted upon her brains.

This Is America: Watch as Yet Another School Shooting (Literally) Interrupts Yet Another Conversation About Gun Control

Kate Bennert · 01/10/13 03:07PM

Vice President Joe Biden was scheduled to address the nation this afternoon about his meeting with NRA officials to discuss new gun control policies in this country—an initiative that President Obama asked him to oversee after last month's shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. But before anyone could react, news broke of yet another school shooting. Fox News was practically mid-"Guns don't kill people; people kill people" when they cut away to break the news that a gunman at Taft High School in Kern County, California shot 2 people.

The De-Tackyfication of the American Christmas Tree

Mobutu Sese Seko · 12/26/12 02:45PM

In a time older than dirt, before kids carried $500 worth of sext computers in their pockets, my mom always used to drop me off at the same place at the "snooty mall" when she did Christmas shopping. Big department stores would have a couch, grand piano and Christmas tree, and I'd sit with a book, waiting until she came back, listening to Christmas carols and the occasional wise-guy pianist playing something from Looney Tunes.

Trust No One: Violent Crime is Rising in America

Robert Kessler · 10/17/12 10:07AM

The Bureau of Justice Statistics is reporting the violent crime rate in America rose last year, for the first time in almost two decades. The rise is due largely to a rise in assaults, now at 22.5 per 1,000 people.

Super Cool America Does Far More Cocaine Than Any Other Nation

Cord Jefferson · 09/24/12 12:34PM

Brand new Atlantic Media business publication Quartz has a post up today about the boom in Brazilian cocaine use. Apparently, in the midst of its march toward becoming one of the world's wealthiest nations, Brazil is now also one of the largest consumers of cocaine, snorting 18 percent of the global supply, according to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime. But while we're proud of the Brazilians, America, once again, is the real victor here, with citizens who inhale nearly 37 percent of all the cocaine in the world. One and a half percent of Americans do cocaine, and the average intake per user is 42 grams a year. USA! USA! USA!

Taco Bell: Constantly Finding New Ways to Make You Fat

Taylor Berman · 08/31/12 10:28PM

Big day for gross sodas. First, there was breaking news that Diet Pepsi is faker than ever. Now comes word that Taco Bell is adding a surely horrid new drink called Mtn Dew A.M. to its breakfast menu (ed. note: when did Taco Bell get breakfast?). Mtn Dew A.M. is a combination of regular disgusting Mountain Dew with Tropicana orange juice, so maybe it's healthy? Impossible to know because a "representative for Taco Bell wasn't immediately available to provide details on the orange juice-to-soda ratio in Mtn Dew A.M." Oh well.

The Majority of Americans Still Don't Know Obama Is a Christian

Taylor Berman · 07/26/12 06:27PM

Eight out of ten Americans believe in angels. Almost five out of ten Americans are creationists. Thirty percent of Americans either disagree with or are undecided on this newfangled Declaration of Independence thing. So I guess it should come as no surprise that, after four years in office and two years on the national campaign trail, fewer than half of American voters can correctly identify President Obama's religion as Christian, according to a Pew survey.