A man in Houston, Texas is accused of picking up a Chihuahua and throwing her at the outside glass window of a Starbucks in response to the fact that he had been banned from the store three months prior. Witnesses say the man was intoxicated.

Jim Carrey hosted last night's Saturday Night Live, promoting the upcoming Dumb and Dumber To, and it was alllllll right. (Ace Ventura reference.) At the very least, it only improved after Carrey's Halloween monologue, during which he played Helvis—hell Elvis—and sang about pecan pie. (I think, an odd reference to Michel Gondry's odd Eternal Sunshine short "Pecan Pie.")

When Daniella Parker, the adopted daughter of Houston Mayor Annise Parker, tried to sign up for a driver's test this week, she brought what she thought was all the necessary paperwork. There was just one problem: Daniella's other parent was—of all things— another woman!

Kaci Hickox, the nurse who arrived at Newark International Airport from Sierra Leone on Friday only to be placed under mandatory 21-day quarantine, has penned a story that describes her arrival, the poor management by airport staff, and the Ebola panic that ensued after Governor Christie instituted the new mandatory quarantine policy for those who have come into contact with Ebola patients.

Rest in peace, ABC's Manhattan Love Story. We hardly knew ye, because we hardly watched ye. Please have fun, and find love, in sitcom Heaven.

A California Highway Patrol officer who admitted that he'd stolen photos from a DUI suspect's phone during an arrest has now admitted that he and and other officers have been playing this "game" for years, wherein they traded explicit photos of women they'd arrested, new court documents reveal.

At some point in their lives, most young women have to decide whether to become an internationally renowned women's rights activist or star in their own primetime sitcom. Unless they look sufficiently ethnic-y, that is, in which case they're free to take credit for both. That's the lesson Mindy Kaling learned earlier this month at the New Yorker Festival, where "a tipsy man in his 80s" mistook the comedian for Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai.

Four years ago, a woman I love—a friend who felt sisterly and vibrant—died of breast cancer. She was 33. I feel like I must spell it out: thirty-three. I want to paint it on a brick wall in the middle of the night. I want to wear it like the scarlet letter A. I want every billboard to read two numbers: 3 and 3.

The AP reports Dominican Republic officials have arrested a woman carrying over $70,000 in her stomach—inside of her stomach!—and over $69,000 in her suitcase.

The Scottish bassist and singer best known for his role in '60s group Cream died in his home in Suffolk, England on Saturday, a statement from his family said.

While most devil worshipers express their allegiance to Old Scratch with Slayer tapes and questionable facial hair, one of Satan's little helpers took a more direct approach Thursday night, plowing his car through the Oklahoma statehouse's controversial Ten Commandments monument.

Two men in Hamilton, Ohio fell to their deaths when painting a water tower, police say. They had been painting the tower when scaffolding that was holding them up "failed."

Benedict Cumberbatch, our little Sherlock Holmes, beautiful object of the Internet's desire, appeared on The Graham Norton Show recently with comedian Miranda Hart. In her segment, Hart shows the audience how to do the "pop star walk," popularized by Beyoncé, and Benedict gives it a whirl. (A poor whirl, but a whirl nonetheless.)

Despite international calls for reprieve, Iran has hanged a woman for the murder of a man human rights groups say sexually assaulted her. According to Reuters, 26-year-old Reyhaneh Jabbari was executed Saturday morning for the the 2007 killing of a Morteza Abdolali Sarbandi, concluding what Amnesty International called "a deeply flawed investigation and trial."

A woman who arrived at Newark International Airport from West Africa has tested negative for Ebola, New Jersey state health officials say. She is currently in isolation at the University Hospital in Newark.

Jaylen Fryberg, the 14-year-old freshman who opened fire at Pilchuck High School in Marysville, Washington on Friday, killing one and injuring four, was just recently crowned freshman class homecoming prince, reports say. Fryberg died by a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

The Placer County sheriff's office reports a suspect accused of shooting four people on Friday morning, three of them Northern California sheriff's deputies, was found and forced to surrender after a manhunt. Two deputies were killed in his shooting spree, while the third deputy and a civilian were injured.

Just when you thought this story couldn't get shittier or more nauseating, TMZ drops the bomb that the relative of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo matriarch June Shannon's that her reported boyfriend, convicted child molester Mark McDaniel, forced oral sex on 10 years ago, when she was 8 years old, is none other than June's daughter Anna.

Russell Brand's revolution hit a bit of a snag last night after his comments on the BBC's Newsnight got him painted as a 9/11 conspiracy theorist. Judging by the headlines and the Twitter responses, you'd think Brand had said that burning jet fuel couldn't melt steel.

The remains of Hannah Graham, the University of Virginia student who has been missing since September 13, were found on an abandoned property near Walnut Creek Park. Police found the body late last week and confirmed that it was Graham's today.