This crazy new Phil Morrison-directed Superchunk video for "Me & You & Jackie Mittoo" features comically oversized CDs or something?

Authorities in Utah's Garfield County say "all the precautions" were in place, but that's of little comfort to the parents of 9-year-old Oaklee Lynn Sidwell who died last week from injuries she sustained after the backyard trampoline she was on got carried away by a "freak" gust of wind.

Polygraphs are notoriously unreliable, useful in practice mainly because the mere idea of a lie detector test can scare people into telling the truth. This is underscored by the wide variety and seeming effectiveness of anti-polygraph "countermeasures," which can help anyone pass regardless of truthfulness. Now Feds are going after instructors of polygraph-beating technologies, as part of a crackdown on "insider threats."

Woefully underinformed speculators like us regularly prognosticate wildly about where the next economic disaster will come from, in a futile attempt to prepare ourselves for the inevitable anvil of financial doom that always, but always, falls upon the head of the underclass. How long until we all are smashed again?

Assuming your mom is Kate Gosselin. Given the numbers—the average number of children per family with children was 1.82 in 2005; Kate Gosselin has 8 children—those are OK odds.

In keeping with this morning's theme of "celebrities — they're just as dumb as us," Newsroom star Olivia Munn yesterday confessed to taking a page out of the book of Homemade Zip-Line Guy — complete with poorly constructed playground equipment, and subsequent unsurprising injury.

Stick a fork in this story, humanity is done.

In 2008, journalist Brian Beutler was shot three times in an attempted robbery in DC. Today, at Salon, he tells that story for the first time. Read it.

If there is one thing the epic fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire — and, by direct extension, HBO's Game of Thrones — is known for even among the most casual fans, it's George R. R. Martin's maddening penchant for eliminating even the most innocent and beloved of characters without a moment's notice.

Vice was once a humble magazine about doing heroin and having sex (on heroin). Now, Vice is a global multimedia company, partly owned by Fox, valued at $1.4 billion. Vice is so successful that it no longer needs to exist.

After today's Good Morning America premiere of her music video for "Applause," the real hero of cosplay, Lady Gaga, told George Stephanopoulos, "I really felt like I could be myself in this video." In it, she plays over half a dozen characters including a jester, an apparent emulation of Sandro Botticelli's The Birth of Venus, and a swan with a Gaga head.

Married actor Thomas Gibson of Dharma & Greg and Criminal Minds fame has allegedly spent the last two years engaging in an online relationship with a woman who used photos ripped from porn sites to convince the TV star to send her tawdry videos of himself.

"Are they hot-dogs or legs ??" Hot-Dog Legs.

Most people use their weekend to run errands or eat expensive eggs or catch up on DVR'ed reruns of Hardcore Pawn. Patton Oswalt spent Saturday reinventing the art of trolling people on Twitter.

The University of Maryland Eastern Shore is spending $60,000 to equip classrooms with bulletproof whiteboards that "can be used as a personal shield for professors under attack." Apply to UMES now.

"Normalcy is not interesting," said Lindsay Lohan toward the end of her sit-down with Oprah Winfrey on Oprah's Next Chapter, which aired last night. The actress sounded not just granted with serenity, but self-awareness — her interview was slow and bland. It was seasoned with information that was already evident to anyone paying attention to the hopeful former-troubled-star: Lohan is an addict whose poison is alcohol, she finds going to court humiliating, and she is eager to work/maintain her sobriety that's a result of her recent three-month trip to rehab (with one month spent at Betty Ford and the other two at Cliffside Malibu).

Oscar Pistorius, the Olympic runner who shot and killed his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp in February, has been formally charged with murder.

Hosni Mubarak, the Egyptian autocrat whose arrest and fall from power in 2011 paved the way for the country's first democratic elections, may walk free: Judicial authorities have apparently ordered that the former general be freed from custody.

The Labour Party has called for a review of the U.K. government's anti-terror powers and Amnesty International has issued a condemnation in the wake of the nine-hour detention of national-security journalist Glenn Greenwald's partner, David Miranda.

Baauer is the 24-year-old trap-rave producer whose future-crunk behemoth “Harlem Shake” soundtracked Norwegian army drills, morning-show derp squads, school suspensions, an FAA investigation, a fiery fall, and a mass stabbing among perhaps a zillion other flash-mob dancing demonstrations, thanks to a craze perhaps orchestrated by corporations. But despite debuting at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 after chart rules changed to incorporate YouTube streams, the Brooklyn-based DJ insists that his best-known smash hasn't directly earned him money. How could that be?