Jennifer Aniston's key grip ex-boyfriend confesses he was too vanilla for her. Katy Perry's Jesus freak parents banned deviled eggs. Charlie Sheen interviews now cost $1 million. Wednesday gossip is out of touch.

  • Sad Jennifer Aniston ex-boyfriend Brian Bouma, a key grip who dated her in 2008, gave a sad interview about his sad relationship with her: "I guess she wasn't that into me. She did tell me that I was too 'Mr. Pure.' She kind of made me feel and act like a young school boy." Too vanilla for Jennifer Aniston: Saddest admission of sadness ever. Bouma is speaking out to combat the notion that this gorgeous, mega-famous millionaire could possibly be so sad and alone: "All that's written about her being lonely is just ridiculous… She's an amazing, beautiful, and talented woman who's sweet and kind and treats everyone with respect." How nice of him to absorb the sadness for her, in this sad interview! "I didn't spend time with Jen because she was famous or successful. I've been down that road before. It usually mean trouble with a capital T." Then he broke into a song from The Music Man, but a medley that included "Mr. Invisible" from Chicago, because he is so sad. [Radar, images via Getty and @BrianBouma]
  • Charlie Sheen's "11th-hour diva demand" for an interview with Vanity Fair: "$1 million and story approval." This suggests a fundamental misunderstanding about supply and demand: When you supply the world with nonstop verbal diarrhea on stage, on the radio, on Twitter, and to any random chick who happens to procure your cellphone number, you cannot demand $1 million for an interview. Anyway, VF laughed Charlie out the door and did a write-around, instead. [VanityFair via P6]
  • Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper had a painfully awkward ex run-in at the Costume Institute Gala last weekend: "They stared for a quick second, surprised and straight in the face and turned away. It was an awkward moment, and they split in separate directions." Why do celebrities willingly subject themselves to so many events where they know they will run into their exes? Can't they send their agents to haggle who gets which parties after the break-up? Obviously, Bradley should have ceded this event, since a straight man at a fashion event is the equivalent of a eunuch at a brothel. He may have fun, but nobody's really taking him seriously. [P6]
  • In other Met gala news, Beyonce and Jay-Z got booed "when they didn't stop for interviews." Little did they know that Beyonce's dress was too tight to draw breath and speak, anyway. [P6, Previously]
  • Katy Perry's Jesus freak parents are so religious, Katy wasn't allowed to say "deviled eggs" or "Dirt Devil" growing up. "I didn't have a childhood," she says. "I come from a very non-accepting family, but I'm very accepting.… My sponge is so big and wide and I'm soaking everything up and my mind has been radically expanded. Just being around different cultures and people and their opinions and perspectives. Just looking into the sky." You heard it here first: Katy Perry's big, wide sponge soaks everything up while she lies on her back and stares up at the sky. It's like she speaks a dialect of English consisting only of double entendre. [VanityFair]
  • Andy Dick was arrested for getting drunk and refusing to leave a Marie Callender's restaurant in Temecula, California. What, no wang-flashing, heiress-groping, or public watersports? Has Andy Dick lost his magically perverted trainwreck touch? [NYDN]
  • After announcing that she had picked out three Tiffany engagement rings because "I don't want to be upset if he picks a bad ring," Jennifer Love Hewitt has broken up with boyfriend Alex Beh. Careful, this could veer into Sadiston territory. [Us]
  • Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli are "going through a difficult patch." If they break up, the Bubbe Mafia wins. [P6, Previously]
  • Prince William and Kate Middleton "spent their honeymoon weekend at home in Anglesey." Bo-ring! Their overseas honeymoon will happen later this month. [Us]
  • By pleading "no contest" to misdemeanor theft, Lindsay Lohan is poised to avoid jail completely—if she is allowed to serve her 120-day sentence under house arrest with an electronic monitoring device, as is common in cases like hers. Given LiLo's history with electronic anklet monitors, that could be fun. [TMZ]
  • Jesse James confessed his affair to Sandra Bullock in the office of West Coast Choppers, after Sandy's publicist warned him that one of his mistresses had sold the story of their affair to a tabloid magazine. Here's how he writes about it in his memoir: "I didn't touch her. I sat frozen in my chair, watching, as Sandy's small body shook with sobs… Sandy rose to her feet. She unfolded her sunglasses and put them on her face. She walked steadily and purposefully to the front of the shop, opened the heavy, metal door. For a moment, the sunlight enveloped her. The door closed behind her, and she was gone." As far as Hollywood exits go, that's a pretty decent one, no? [Radar]
  • Shania Twain on ex-husband Mutt Lange's affair: "I didn't want to kill myself, but I didn't want to live." But then she married his mistress' ex-husband and looks super hot these days, so she wins. Too bad Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee's exes are probably skinhead monsters like her, otherwise I'd recommend Sandra Bullock pull one of these. [Popeater]
  • Mariah Carey, a singer I liked until she turned into a fameseeking monster when she got pregnant, tweeted that her newsborn babies' names "both begin w/M's!!!! :)" and invited her fans "2 guess" the names. Mariah and Marioh? Mmmmshutup? [People]