This morning, Howard Stern challenged Fox News' Megyn Kelly, host of American Live, to play Marry, Fuck, Kill with a triumvirate of Fox News blowhards: Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, and Sean Hannity. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

After some desperate deliberation, here's what Megyn decided.

  • Marry: Hannity. "He's probably got the most dough and he's youngest."
  • Fuck: O'Reilly. "He wrote a book that had some saucy sex scenes in there."
  • Kill: Glenn Beck, by default.

As cognitively disrupting as it is to entertain this, I actually think she's right. You have to kill Glenn Beck, because he's too annoying to be around long enough for an orgasm, much less a lifetime of holy matrimony. (Mormons typically don't divorce.) The other two require disaster mitigation: Hannity strikes me as more likely to crumble under peer pressure, which makes him better marriage material, because you'd be able to push him around. Though fucking Bill O'Reilly is a fate I wish upon nobody—particularly falafel-afflicted underlings—he'd probably say or do something weird/funny, and you'd get a good story out of it.

Here are few more Marry, Fuck, Kill scenarios, listed with my picks.

The Fox & Friends Trio of Terror

The Guest Panel of Star-Studded Stupor

  • Mike Huckabee: Marry. He has a sense of humor, which should help you deal with the back-to-the-Stone-Age religiosity.
  • Sarah Palin: Fuck. She's the youngest of the three, and pretty.
  • Bill Kristol: Kill.


The Blessedly Good-Looking Trinity of 'As Long As They Don't Talk…'

  • Shep Smith: Marry. If you can get over the spray tan he's kind of dreamy, and the voice doesn't hurt.
  • Kimberly Guilfoyle: Fuck. She used to be a Victoria's Secret model. It'd be a Gavin Newsom sloppy second, but he's always had good taste in women, although too much appetite.
  • Michelle Malkin: Kill.

Feel free to construct your own Fox News M,F,K fantasies in the comments. [TVNewser, Examiner, images via FoxNews.com]