“ALEX JONES: BECK IS A ‘DEMONIC LITTLE GOBLIN’ ‘RUBBING HIS LITTLE POT BELLY ON THE GROUND’ BEFORE ZUCKERBERG,” reads a strange and vivid headline that appeared on Breitbart this week, the latest volley in a war of words between the two most prominent broadcasters of news and opinion for Americans who own a gun and 50 or more bumper stickers.
In an effort to quell the frantic conservative Twitter eggs currently running amok online, Mark Zuckerberg has resorted to a line of recourse that seems almost too good to be true (for everyone who’s not Mark Zuckerberg). Because this coming Wednesday, the Facebook man who struggles to understand basic social cues is going to be forced to sit in a room with conservative lunatic Glenn Beck and 11 other “conservative thought leaders.” Sometimes dreams really can come true.
Sitting in a harshly lit anteroom, you watch a doomsday prophet don a pair of dark goggles. He leads three sycophants in some vulgar ceremony, dipping his face into a vessel of synthetic orange powder and instructing the servants to do the same. Is that Cheeto dust? You pinch yourself and flail, desperate to wake up, but this is no nightmare. This is yesterday’s episode of The Glenn Beck Program, hosted by Glenn Beck.
Conservative talk show host Glenn Beck is under investigation for allegedly threatening to kill Donald Trump with a knife.
On Tuesday, as Glenn Beck was speaking on behalf of Ted Cruz, Donald Trump barged into the gymnasium at Palo Verde High School in Summerlin, Nevada, to glad-hand and distract everyone from voting for anyone other than himself.
By now, the oh-my-God-we're-all-going-to-get-Ebola fever that gripped much of the United States this summer has pretty much subsided. Although one study suggests that the virus could reach the U.S. by late September, we all pretty much know that any outbreak here would likely be a relatively small cluster and more easily treatable than in West Africa, where the disease has killed 2,200 people so far, due in large part to a lack of healthcare workers and hospital facilities in the hardest-hit areas.
Glenn Beck announced yesterday that he would personally help finance and deliver "tractor-trailers full of food, water, teddy bears and soccer balls" to the 60,000 underage undocumented immigrants detained at the U.S.-Mexico border. And some conservatives are going apeshit on him.
Glenn Beck thinks that not nearly as many women on college campuses are raped or assaulted as the government does. He wants you to understand the truth, which is why he aired this bizarre pantomime between a "rape expert" and a guy in a wig and skirt.
Glenn Beck lost his voice on Monday. Which is to say, Glenn Beck (as we are led to believe) could not make any physical words come out of his mouth on Monday. But an anger-clown without a voice is still an anger-clown, albeit a sad anger-clown. And this particular sad anger-clown would like you to please feel sorry for him in his state of silence. In fact, Glenn Beck would like you to know that life has always been pretty hard for Glenn Beck, and for the love of God could you please just feel sorry for Glenn Beck? Here is what a mute Glenn Beck told the public (if the public was even watching) on his show this past Monday while aggressively frowning over a reeeeeeeally big stack of hand-written flashcards:
This week saw not one but two announcements about the development of intentional living communities dedicated to the principles of libertarianism: one from Glenn Beck (Independence, USA, a "city-theme park hybrid" that will marry "media, live events, small business stores, educational projects, charity, entertainment, news, information, and technology R&D") and the other from a group of like-minded citizens looking to build a rifleman's paradise in the mountains of Idaho (The Citadel, which boasts "No credit check. No background check. Zero down payment. Zero interest. Zero property taxes.").
Last we heard from Glenn Beck, he was dunking Obama dolls in jars full of fake piss, all in the name of art. Well, now he's set his artistic goals even higher; the former Fox News troll is collaborating with Vince Vaughn on a new reality TV project. The show, called "Pursuit of Truth," will set 20 documentary filmmakers against each other for the prize of having their film, which will no doubt be taken seriously, financed and distributed. All nine of the show's episodes will air on Beck's network, The Blaze TV.
Now that he's cornered the denim market, noted patriot Glenn Beck has set his sights on an even more lucrative business. As part of a bizarre campaign to prove the importance of the first amendment, Beck filled a jar with what he at first claimed to be urine (he later admitted it was beer) and then placed an Obama toy inside. He has plans to sell the "art," which Beck titled "Obama in Pee Pee," on his website for the reasonable price of $25,000.
Last night, the U.S. Justice Department announced that it would investigate the death of Trayvon Martin, after watching outrage build as Florida authorities appeared to do nothing for 23 days. The 17-year-old Martin was walking through a residential development in Sanford, Fla. and was chased down and shot by a 28-year-old man named George Zimmerman. If this sounds painfully familiar, it should.
