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• You know that New York's crime rate is at an all-time low (or it's just a really slow news week) when NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly injects himself into any investigation involving Jon Gosselin that doesn't include the reality TV trainwreck's murder. Kelly says the NYPD has yet to determine whether someone really ransacked Jon Gosselin's Upper West Side apartment last weekend, or if it was just a big publicity stunt carried out by Gosselin and/or girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But the investigation continues, he says, so rest assured a few more of your tax dollars will be spent getting to the bottom of things. [NYDN]
• The call that Charlie Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller, made to 911 on Christmas Day has been released. According to a one report, the couple's argument—in which Sheen allegedly pulled out a knife and said he'd kill her, thus landing him in the clink—was all over a Christmas present. [People, Us, E!]
• You knew Michael Lohan wasn't the world's best father or ex-husband. But he sounds like a pretty horrific fiancé, too. In newly filed court documents, Michael Lohan's ex, Erin Muller, says Lindsay Lohan's dad repeatedly abused her during their relationship, once beat her up for having a male friend on Facebook, and even kicked her "in the vagina" on one occasion. [TMZ]

• Kim Kardashian is being sued by the guy who owns Dr. Siegel's Cookie Diet. (He says she defamed him by calling the diet "unhealthy" on Twitter.) In other critical KKard news, she stopped by Ashton Kutcher's production offices the other day and a monkey peed on her. So, all in all, it doesn't appear that she's having a great week. [TMZ, People, Us]
• Did Tiger Woods get together with Rachel Uchitel over the weekend? Are they now living together? That's what one "source" says, although there isn't any photo evidence to confirm any of it, alas. [Mirror, ET]
• Leonardo DiCaprio and model Bar Rafaeli have rekindled their romance, apparently. The duo were photographed together on vacation in Mexico. [E!]
• Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston may lose custody of the couple's son, Tripp. Bristol Palin has asked an Alaskan judge to strip the pantsdropper of partial custody and grant her child support. [NYDN]
• In case you missed the news yesterday, Tyra Banks—the visionary who brought us the first on-air colonic—will cease production of her talk show at the end of its fifth season this coming spring. [Us]
• Nelly will happily hand you $10K if you can help him find the dude who broke into his house earlier this month. [NYDN]
• Katie Holmes is supposedly dying to get a tattoo to show off her devotion to Tom Cruise, but Tom apparently trying to talk her out of it. Katie got the idea, says a "source," from Victoria Beckham, who got a tat in honor of her 10-year wedding anniversary with David Beckham. [ShowbizSpy]
• Have the guidos turned against their own? Guido mecca Seaside Heights has issued a statement clarifying that they didn't "solicit, promote or participate" in the making of MTV's Jersey Shore, despite the fact that the bulk of the show was filmed there. [TMZ]
• "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis went a bit crazy on Gawker and its founder Nick Denton yesterday after the site labeled Francis a "rapist" when they crowned him "Douche of the Decade." [P6]
• Remember how W magazine denied that they retouched the image of Demi Moore on the cover of its December issue? Well, now they've revived the saga by using the same photo on the cover of W Korea and re-inserting the chunk of Demi's hip that appeared to be missing on the U.S. cover. [Us, P6]
• Don't ever suggest Russell Crowe isn't generous. He gave away his coat to a homeless man in Pittsburgh this week. [NYDN]
• Meg Ryan is looking a bit skinny these days, judging by a new bunch of photos. (She could probably use a more supportive swimsuit, too.) [Sun]
• Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr says Ed Westwick is a "really rad guy" and "awesome and smart and talented and adorable." Just in case you were wondering. [Teen Vogue]
• You know what really sucks? When you're a photographer and you spend two hours in the freezing cold waiting to snap a picture of Angelina Jolie on the set of her new thriller—and then you find out you've been stalking her body double. [NYDN]