Lindsay Lohan is headed back to rehab for 90 days.

Do you long to experience the carnal pleasures of central Long Island, but find yourself unable to make the trip due to scheduling commitments or fear?

Like everyone in America, Dina Lohan has a theory about why Lindsay Lohan, the human female whose transformation from adorable frecklebean to bloated shriekmonster she oversaw, is "so screwed up." Dina's guess: It's because Lindsay saw her father beat up her mother. (Lindsay's father's guess: It's because Dina "is the devil.")

After nearly two faithful years as Lindsay Lohan's No. 1 speed-dial homie, Steve Honig has decided to quit his job as publicist for the star, which also happens to be the second-worst job in America after being Lindsay Lohan's dad. Honig, obviously, has no problem with Lindsay's poor Porsche-handling skills, her romance with that guy "Klaus," or all that coke drama with Lindsay and her best friend, Dina Lohan. No, according to Honig just can't stand her dad. TMZ reports:

What did you do this weekend? Go apple picking with your fiancée? Put up Halloween decorations with your kids? Make squash soup because it sounds like something The New You would do?

In case you guys were worried about not having any Lindsay Lohan news today, here you go: this afternoon, her attention whore of a father, Michael Lohan, and several others attempted to stage an intervention outside the Mitt Romney supporter's Beverly Hills home. In an "Exclusive" interview on TMZ, Michael said he was worried about Lindsay because she's been hanging out with all the wrong people, including "some guy named Klaus." While it's impossible to know whether this is an attention grabbing stunt on Michael's part or a legitimate attempt to help his daughter, it goes without saying that anyone named Klaus is terrible fucking news.

TMZ has just leaked audio from the call Lindsay Lohan made to her father, Michael, in the midst of the fight with her mom, Dina, that culminated in a small squadron of emergency vehicles descending upon Dina's Long Island home early this morning.

Public Relations is a welcoming refuge for the world's worst scoundrels, an amoral haven in which the most antisocial of behaviors can be supported and celebrated, for a fee. This is PR Dummies. The worst of the worst, weekly.

Kristin Cavallari feuds with the Kardashians. (Fingers crossed for mutual destruction.) Beyonce debuts her 2008 wedding dress. George Clooney's 11-year-old co-star calls him out. Thursday gossip throws the gauntlet.

Come join James Franco for a James Dean-themed sex-doll orgy-slash-art-project! Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are married... or are they?! And Justin Timberlake has a crush. Saturday gossip is a rebel, Saturday gossip is a rebel, Saturday gossip is a rebel.

Nicki Minaj curses out a maid, and the end result is a battery charge. Kim Kardashian says her newlywed life is "not ideal." Alexa Ray Joel opens up about HPV. Usher gets in a fight over a parking space. TGIFriday gossip.

Lindsay's 17-year-old sister has seen her "boobs, ass, and vag." Kim Kardashian's reality show literally tried to cast her husband. Jason Sudeikis is dating an Olsen, but which one? Thursday gossip is sisterly.

Creepy psycho circus clown Michael Lohan has been arrested for the second time in three days—this time for allegedly trying to contact his girlfriend Kate Major, which he wasn't supposed to do because he just allegedly threatened to throw her off a fourth-floor balcony and The Law told him to leave the lady alone.

LiLo will disrobe for close to $1 million. Demi visits Ashton at work. Christina Hendricks craves things that are "smooth on the tongue." Gisele Bundchen pulls a Gwyneth. Tuesday gossip shakes its moneymaker.

Lindsay Lohan's probation was revoked yesterday, but hey, did you see how pretty her teeth looked? She totally got them fixed since last time we saw them, when they were jacked.

If you didn't stop believin' the abduction-cum-affair of Michaele Salahi could get weirder—and make those involved appear more publicity-hungry—there's now this video from TMZ of Tareq Salahi and Michael Lohan leaving a Washington, DC restaurant together last night.

It seems that America's sweetheart might not be recording an album after all. Also today: Zach Galifianakis starts shit with January Jones, Wills and Kate swim with sharks, and Leo DiCaprio and Justin Timberlake know all the best ladies.

Lindsay Lohan is unhappy with her sentence. Liz Taylor's eighth husband speaks out. Charlie Sheen loses a goddess via text message. Ye seek Sunday gossip: it is risen.

Michael Lohan peeps through Lindsay's windows and tries to bust into her house. Natalie Portman gives up veganism for her fetus. Joan Rivers uses vodka as deodorant. Nicki Minaj will share a stage with Britney. Monday gossip spent the weekend stalking its loved ones.

• Michael Lohan is "hurt' by the fact that Lindsay Lohan wants to drop her last name, Madonna-style: "I'm proud of the Lohan name. It's a name of integrity," he told the Daily News. "We all had very successful jobs on Wall Street. My father was an unbelievable provider. My sisters are pillars of the community. There's not a blemish in my family outside of me." So maybe Lindsay should change her name to Lindsay "Not-Michael-Lohan". NYDN]