Welcome, patriots, to what history will almost certainly see as the night America sealed its gruesome fate. That’s right—it’s Donald Trump Victory Night. And judging by the various primaries and caucuses thus far, it’s sure to be a night we’ll never forget. No matter how hard we try.

We’ll be updating this post with all the most important, bizarre, and idiotic antics from tonight’s thirteen participating states, so keep checking back to see what our remaining presidential hopefuls have gotten themselves into next. Cruz, Carson, Kasich, Rubio, and Bernie will be there, too.

We’ll have a running list of winners down below.

Update: Early Winners

We can already call Georgia for Hillary and and Trump. Bernie takes Vermont, and Hillary has taken Virginia. As for Virginia on the GOP side, it’s still too close to call according to MSNBC.

Update: 7:15 p.m.

Unfortunately for Meet the Press, this is not actually what Vermont looks like.

Update: 7:17 p.m.

Once again, Hillary Clinton is vastly more popular with black voters:

Update: 7:29 p.m.

John Kasich is currently ahead (somehow) in Vermont with Rubio running neck-and-neck to Trump in Virginia.

Upate: 7:32 p.m.

Alaska does NOT want any Canadians taking its precious jobs and resources. Build that wall!

Update: 7:35 p.m.

Bernie Sanders is now giving his first (and likely only) victory speech of the night.

Upate: 7:44 p.m.

No matter who wins on the GOP side tonight, at least according to Predict Wise, the Democrats (i.e. Hillary) will take the White House in the end regardless.

Update: 7:52 p.m.

Apparently, Carson is saying he’s going to refuse to drop out of the race even if he doesn’t win any states tonight, saying “he’ll listen only to God and his supporters” since “the mainstream media is seeking to silence him.” All in all, a great prank by God.

Update: 8:01 p.m.

We have five more states coming in now, with all the ones that have been called so far going to either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump.

Upate: 8:13 p.m.,

About two percent of Massachusetts really just does not give even the slightest fuck.

Update: 8:15 p.m.

And here is Bernie’s victory speech.

Update: 8:19 p.m.

I had previously said below that Massachusetts had been called for Hillary Clinton but that was incorrect and I am very sorry. It’s actually pretty close!

Also, an early look at what will soon be in every classroom in America:

Update: 8:26 p.m.

Cruz might actually win something!

All in all, a deeply embarrassing night for Rubio. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

Update: 8:31 p.m.

Arkansas has just been called for Hillary Clinton, with it being too close to call on the GOP side (though it appears to be a battle between Trump and Ted Cruz yet again). Meanwhile, Fox News has just called Virginia for Trump.

Update: 8:55 p.m.

Hillary Clinton is currently speaking in Miami, which seems like a weird place to give tonight’s speech but a great place to get hammered on South Beach. Here’s to hoping.

Update: 9:00 p.m.

Polls in Texas, the biggest prize of the night, just closed, with Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton being named the victors in their respective parties.

Update: 9:06 p.m.

Rubio is now giving his losing/victory speech. So far he hasn’t won a single state—everything is going exactly according to plan!

Update: 9:12 p.m.

Oklahoma has just been called for Ted Cruz. Another huge win for Marco Rubio!

Meanwhile, on the democratic side, Oklahoma is going to Bernie.

Marco Rubio still has not won a state, something even Ted Cruz has managed to do (three times!), but he is still very excited about how well he is doing. “We are seeing in state after state: His numbers going down, our numbers going up.”

Update: 9:37

Donald Trump’s strange Florida “press conference” has begun, with an introduction from shouty northeastern opportunist Chris Christie. Trump congratulates Ted Cruz for working hard, proclaims it a “tough night” for Marco Rubio, and talks a bit about China, Mexico, and making America great again. Is he going to break actual news? It’s unclear!

“Ted has a shot, because at least he’s won a little bit,” Trump says.

Update: 10:00

All time has stopped as Donald Trump’s endless, rambling, discursive press conference about nothing. Well, it’s sort of about everything, including about how much Marco Rubio is a loser. “Look, I always liked Marco until a week ago, when he decided to become Don Rickles.”

Meanwhile, Chris Christie has just been standing there looking vaguely like he wants to die.

Anyway, that’s how the election is going.

Update: 10:10 p.m.

The RNC has released a statement that conspicuously doesn’t mention a certain... Republican candidate.


Weird!

Meanwhile, Ted Cruz is celebrating/drowning his sorrows down in Texas at what is essentially a white supremacist Mecca.

Update: 10:25 p.m.

Donald Trump is the projected winner of Arkansas. Good job, Donald! You did it! Ted Cruz is still talking.

Update 11:00 p.m.

Bernie Sanders just took Colorado! Figures.

Update: 11:14 p.m.

Fox News has just called Minnesota for Marco Rubio, his first actual win. Based on how delighted he is by his losses, Marco Rubio may have just had a heart attack.

Upate 11:32 p.m.

Bernie Sanders has just taken Minnesota, giving him four states total tonight (one less than he was anticipating).

And over at CNN, you gotta hear both sides of the issue!

Update: 12:07 a.m.

And finally, Trump has been officially called for Vermont.

Winners

Alabama (50 delegates)

GOP: Donald Trump
Democrats: Hillary Clinton

Alaska (28 delegates)

GOP: Ted Cruz

Arkansas (40 delegates)

GOP: Donald Trump
Democrats: Hillary Clinton

Colorado (66 delegates)

Democrats: Bernie Sanders

Georgia (76 delegates)

GOP: Donald Trump
Democrats: Hillary Clinton

Massachusetts (42 delegates)

GOP: Donald Trump
Democrats: Hillary Clinton

Minnesota (38 delegates)

GOP: Marco Rubio
Democrats: Bernie Sanders

Oklahoma (43 delegates)

GOP: Ted Cruz
Democrats: Bernie Sanders

Tennessee (58 delegates)

GOP: Donald Trump
Democrats: Hillary Clinton

Texas (155 delegates)

GOP: Ted Cruz
Democrats: Hillary Clinton

Vermont (16 delegates)

GOP: Donald Trump.
Democrats: Bernie Sanders

Virginia (49 delegates)

GOP: Donald Trump
Democrats: Hillary Clinton

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Art by Jim Cooke.