• Though the financial details have yet to be settled, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are a very short stone's throw from becoming legally divorced, freeing Jessica to marry her father. [TMZ]
• A British literary magazine has published a poem written by Kate Moss for her then-beau, crackhead Pete Doherty: You love them more than you love me/So that's why I could cry all day long/that's why I can't breathe. Watch out, Donald Hall. [Page Six]
• A fight breaks out after someone tries to photograph the Black Eyed Peas at a club in Berlin. Gee, that was worth it. [R&M]
• Dan Rather won't touch Walter Cronkite with a ten-foot-pole. Maybe if the pole were longer than the tongue of a black Alabama rattler. [Page Six]
• MSNBC HATES TRANNIES: Rita Cosby's show will be cancelled in July. [Lowdown]
• When he was a wee lad, Mekhi Pfieffer was best known as the kid who went and pissed on his classmates' coats. [disco-not-disco]

• Diet-pill whore Anna Nicole Smith heads to the Supreme Court today for a hearing regarding her gazillion dollar inheritance case, in which she is fighting for the money she rightfully earned by fucking her ancient, wheelchair-bound husband. In a perfect world, Smith will eschew all legal professionals and argue her case all by herself. Then we could die of happiness. [IMDb]
• Today in Lindsay Lohan's vagina: Wilmer Valderrama, 5:30 AM, Soho Grand. [Page Six]
• P. Diddy, currently in Rio de Janeiro for Carnival, was seen going into a venue known for its budget hookers. It's nice to know that despite his extraordinary wealth, the man still keeps things frugal. [Scoop]
• When it came time to file the divorce papers, did Nick Lachey lie about the date of separation from Jessica Simpson? If it means he could share in an extra $1 million of Simpson's cash, then of course he did. [Media Takeout]
• Lizzie Grubman and fiance Chris Stern are rumored to have their wedding scheduled as soon as the end of the month. Which would be tomorrow, right? [R&M (last item)]
• Because Brad Pitt morphs into his lovers, his latest role is as a United Nations-loving do-gooder. If Kofi Annan loved The Mexican as much as we think he did, Pitt's en route to becoming a Goodwill Ambassador. [Page Six]
• Donald Trump shames a Mar-a-Lago guest into tipping two employees who recovered her $2 million dollar bracelet. [Lowdown (last item)]

Yesterday was a bad day for whorelet Jessica Simpson, as she was unceremoniously dumped by her publicist of the past two years, Brad Cafarelli. Cafarelli, who also represents Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson, was allegedly tired of dealing with Jessica's creepily involved father, Joe Simpson — presumably, Cafarelli would rather devote his time to his clients that don't need a constant father-figure.

• After we heard of Tara Reid's good behavior at her 30th birthday party in Los Angeles, we were worried we'd lost our girl to the dark side. Fear not, however: After celebrating her birthday in Miami by fastening a magnum of champagne to her mouth, Reid had to be carried out of the bar. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• Nick Lachey doesn't want anything to do with wifey Jessica Simpson's birthday plans for his 32nd, unless they involve divorce papers. [Scoop]
• Trouble at SonyBMG: Bruce Springsteen gets re-signed for $100 million while Neil Diamond and Celine Dion CDs get recalled. Your mother is simultaneously thrilled and devastated. [Page Six]
• Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee might not tip his waitresses, but he does offer them pot and quiet time in his limo, so long as they don't mind any sorts of hepatitis. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• You may watch the O.C. like a religious retard, but did you watch it closely enough to catch star Mischa Barton's nipple? [Page Six]

When Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson said till death do us part, "death" apparently meant "until the other person starts, like, buying too much shit and fucking her costars." Life & Style talks to an insider who spoke to a witness whose best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Jessica on a recent American Airlines flight:

We think Nick Lachey is just the cutest, isn't he? Since one always looks for distractions when one's wife is, uh, not around sometimes, Lachey funnels his anger into glorious, furious prose; he has a new "column" in The Cincinnati Enquirer, with his (metaphorical, we presume) panties in a bunch about the firing of Cincinnati Bearcats head basketball coach Bob Huggins. Lachey is a former Cincinnati resident with "a home page set on ESPN.com" (Nick, we're hurt!) and few things get him riled up more than bad sports news back home. And the firing of Huggins — who has DUI arrests and a propensity to forget his student athletes are supposed to go to class sometimes — has him full of rankle, and without gruntle:

This ad was conveniently located in the Times' Washington section.
You know what? We're not even going to "snark" on this one. Instead, we're going to earnestly ask what the fuck is going on? Have we awoken this morning only to find ourselves in the 8th dimension, where the venerable New York Times has finally donned its Bonnie Fuller costume and is currently rushing Janice Min's sorority?

If you've received an email in the past 24 hours from your friend's LA PR friend, we know: Your best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who knows that Jessica Simpson and Johnny Knoxville are about to go public with their relationship. Our best friend's sister's baby daddy's yaddayadda knows about this story too, that Knoxville is rumored to be leaving his wife and Simpson will be filing for divorce from Nick Lachey and Joe Simpson is shopping the story to the celebrity weeklies just in time for the premiere of Dukes of Hazzard. Ohmygodexhale.

A: Her Tivo failed to record Newlyweds.
B: A reporter asked her what it was like to work with Johnny Knoxville.
C: Someone has just explained to her the concept of gravity.
D: Her daddy threatened to never again love her in that special way.
E: She realized that she forgot to fully inhale and wipe her freaking nose before heading out.

• Nick Lachey cancels the party for his new reality show (who knew he had one?!) due to "marital issues." You don't say. [Page Six]
• Jonathan Cheban will do just about anything to protect his business partner, Lizzie Grubman, even if it means censoring the unsavory references out of their client's new book. [R&M (3rd item)]
• Guests of Elton John are told not to speak to him unless first spoken to. And so a once-beloved star's descent into faggy madness continues. [Scoop]
• Novelist Terry McMillan files for divorce from her husband Jonathan Plummer — their romance being the inspiration for McMillan's How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Strangely enough, the coverage doesn't mention the fact that Plummer's gay or that McMillan reacted with a "homophobic vengeance." [Page Six]

Internet Posting Says Nick and Jessica's Marriage, America's Favorite Sham, Has Been Wounded

We're sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but... Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, they of MTV Newlyweds fame, have filed for divorce. Tour of Duty, indeed.

· Jessica Simpson went to the Costume Institute Gala, but her husband Nick Lachey was nowhere to be seen. Strangely, fashionista Johnny Knoxville was also at the gala. Wouldn't it be weird if this were a meaningful coincidence? [R&M]
· Sleeping with an American Idol contestant might've been the best career move Paula Abdul could make. Infamy sounds a whole lot better than Cold-Hearted Snake. [NYDN]
· Bratty textile heir Cody Franchetti ditches a charity gig and fails to reschedule because "it's a bad day for his publicist." And you sometimes wonder why we're so angry around here? [Lowdown]

So that's how Janice and Bonnie do it. They must have one of these for Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, too.

The author, second from left, and pre-op Jessica Simpson.

· Maybe we need to redirect our ire: while Brad Pitt was likely smitten with Angelina Jolie, he allegedly made some moves on model April Florio. (Florio claims she rebuffed him but, like, is any woman capable of such strength?) At this point, we're just looking for someone to clearly blame for this mess. [R&M]
· Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore take their uncomfortable romance on a Mexican vacation; paparazzi follow in hopes of a shotgun wedding. [Page Six]
· Foxy Brown calls Lowdown to clear up the allegation that P. Diddy dissed her after the Zac Posen show. Do you think Lloyd took the call himself, or did he pass the buck to houseboy staffer Hud Morgan? [Lowdown]
· Jessica Simpson heads to court over a contract dispute regarding a fitness video she was scheduled to make; more importantly, Scoop writer Jeanette Walls toes the line by calling Simpson "faux-ditzy." [Scoop]

Well, it ain't TIME's "Person of the Year," but Jessica Simpson has the honor of being named "Bum Steer of the Year" by Texas Monthly.

· Can we just crown Joe Simpson (the father, manager, and puppet-master of popsters Jessica and Ashlee) the creepiest fucking person on earth? He refers to Jessica's breasts as practically unstoppable and claims Ashlee has "more depth" than Cameron Diaz or Meg Ryan. [Page Six]
· Tennis star Anna Kournikova has reportedly wed singer Enrique Inglesias in a private ceremony in Mexico. We hope her new role as a beard goes better than her tennis career. [NYDN]
· Oh my GAWD, Babs' colon is in dire straits! Streisand will be going under the knife to remove a polyp in her colon. [R&M]
· Restauranteur Karim Amatullah gets into a brawl with two models at hotspot Butter, which sends Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen twins running for cover. And to think, our barely-legal pixies thought Butter was their refuge. [Page Six]
· Jacob the Jeweler's 57th St. boutique opening served as a venue for a tense showdown between singer Ashanti and rapper 50 Cent. [Lowdown]
· Tara Reid: still talking her career into the ground. [Scoop]

The celebrity weeklies have been drooling over the possibility of pop & Newlyweds stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's dying marriage, but it's really not that exciting unless there's a sex tape involved. Or, say, a nasty tell-all email from a production assistant working at the Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting extravaganza. Maybe, if that PA witnessed Jessica acting like a bitchy robot (with her parents at the controls) or heard Nick say stuff like, "Not too many nice things to say about [Jessica]," and refer to her as little more than a fucktoy, then things would be interesting.