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The celebrity weeklies have been drooling over the possibility of pop & Newlyweds stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's dying marriage, but it's really not that exciting unless there's a sex tape involved. Or, say, a nasty tell-all email from a production assistant working at the Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting extravaganza. Maybe, if that PA witnessed Jessica acting like a bitchy robot (with her parents at the controls) or heard Nick say stuff like, "Not too many nice things to say about [Jessica]," and refer to her as little more than a fucktoy, then things would be interesting.

Oh, wait, we HAVE that email, after the jump.

——-Original Message——-
From: [redacted]
Sent: Wednesday, December 01, 2004
To: [redacted]
Subject: My not so best friend Jessica.......

So the night started out great. She arrived at 2:00, I met all her peeps, manager, publicist, yadda, yadda. Shmoozed with her mother (very nice). A tad stupid in that down home Texas way. And constantly chewing gum. It was a little gross. Anyway, Jessica arrives (without Nick) but with Cacee. Surprisingly Cacee lost about 20lbs grew her hair and obviously goes to the same colorist as Jessica because there hair color is identical. Anyway, she did her rehearsal and we all went upstairs. Nick then arrives. So cute and sooooo nice. He's a tad slimmer and less muscle than expected and a little clueless but still very nice and VERY cute.

So we went through a dress rehearsal right before the show. As we were walking from dressing room to stage I would say 100 people asked her for a picture, a wave, a smile, ANYTHING. Stone cold all night. Not one facial expression did I see. It was actually really sad. Nick and Jessica were in 2 different dressing rooms. Not uncommon for talent but they never even entered eachothers room! It was a tad uncomfortable. His manager never spoke to hers, his publicist never spoke to hers, weird. He came out of the dressing room with this all black outfit on and a gray coat and asked me if I thought he needed a scarf and gloves. Being to good girl that I am I ran down to J.Crew (in the middle of the lighting the tree party) and begged them to let me in to buy a scarf and gloves! Got him a red scarf and black gloves. He loved it. But why wouldn't he walk into his wife's room and ask her opinion? So weird.

Back to her.. She is beautiful. Although you can't see the natural beauty because of the makeup. So much makeup that you would want to itch it off your face. Horrible. She is pretty short and VERY thin. No fat on that body. Her boobs are MASSIVE. And def. real because they were sagging a bit. Her jewels are like nothing I have ever seen before. So basically all around perfection.

The entire night her tour manager kept asking me for things, more credentials, pizza, drinks, everything. He said in exchange for that he would get me a picture with her. Never happened. She refused to stop and take pictures with anyone. I heard him asking her about a quick picture
as we were walking down the hall, she flat out said NO. NO pictures with anyone. It was very sad for me as you all would know. She never stopped for anyone. Complete BIATCH.

End of the night Nick leaves and gets into his car without so much as a wave goodbye. NOTHING. She wouldn't come downstairs unless 3 SUV's were already there. Picture 6th ave after tree lighting and waiting for car service. A nightmare.

So no pictures at all but memories. Also, the MTV crew got my approval to be on Newlyweds. They will probably cut me out but who knows maybe I'll be in the back somewhere. Also, the dressing rooms were on the floor of Saturday Night Live. That was pretty cool. Oh and her mother went shopping arount 3 to Bergdorff and bought her 11 pairs of shoes...

I've saved the best for last...

As much as I love them and the show, I truly don't think it's going to last. She is way too protected by her parents who were all over her all night. He never had a chance to wish her well or give her a kiss. She looked miserable and sad. And she was a raging biatch. To tell you the truth Cacee the annoying assistant was sooooo nice. Talked to me the whole night like I was her best friend. As did the sister in law. She just wanted no part of anyone but her parents. I think the both of them are good actors and are putting on a serious front. Nick assistant is adorable. Maybe there is something going on there.

Much better for way last......

My boss and I were talking to Nick about exteneding his intro for Jessica by 30 secs. We asked him what he wanted to say about her.

These are [Nick s] exact words...

"Let's see what could I say.......Do you really want me to tell you...... Not too many nice things to say about her (this is [we] started sweating and getting uncomfortable)... How about she was the best stocking I ever stuffed?" He then proceeded to say, "She was the best Chimney I've ever come down on."

What scared me about those comments, besides the obvious, is that he was dead serious. His manager didn't even laugh. It wasn't said as a joke. It was almost like he was pissed off. There was def. an edge to it. And the talking in past tense really threw me off.

Bottom line is that her parents have ruined her into this celebrity robot and because of that her marriage sucks.

Can't say that I'm much of a fan anymore.