When actual details are still scarce, make like the Post and turn to alliteration:

In that case, you'd think they'd put 'em in separate cells.

Several exciting new Media Christmas developments!

We're not mocking the matching covers of our local tabs — the shooting death of NYPD officer Dillon Stewart certainly merits a synergistic show of respect. But while the Daily News is strong and silent, the Post just couldn't resist the power hed, could they? Way to ruin a moment, dicks.

So last week, you'll recall, brought us World AIDS Day, which reminds us of all the millions infected and the cure that's still lacking. Then there's all that talk about the nasty avian flu that could hit at moment and for which the United States is, as we understand it, woefully undersupplied on vaccines. And, of course, there's that nasty bedbug resurgence in the city, which can't be a particularly healthy. Still, amid all this, it's nice to see the city's Department of Health can keep its focus on the big things, according to the Post:

[Click to enlarge.]

It's the new STAB BABY.

• Prepare your feeble gullets and blue-collar livers for the triumphant glory of Trump: The Booze: The Poster! [Defamer]
• Times Boldfacer Campbell Robertson does his best to grapple with the disintegration of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's marriage, especially since Simpson told Boldface in September that her marriage was solid. Don't take it personally, but, yes, honey, she lied to you. She lied to all of us. [NYT]
• Actor Ralph Fiennes considers suing the Post after a Page Six item claimed he was "canoodling" with Gina Gershon at a recent rock show. Since we got that same press release from the venue and "canoodling" was nowhere in the original item, we'd have to venture that some Posties may be guilty as charged. [LA.com]
• Perplexed over the appropriate holiday gift for someone you've just started dating? Don't be — everyone loves Christmas anal. [NY Sun]
• Finally, a Thrillist suggestion we can get behind: feed the fratboys poisonous fish. [Thrillist]

According to the online version of Page Six, your sweet little Asian neighbor is actually Queen Sofia of Spain.

The Post reports on the brutal murder of 21-year-old Catherine Woods, an attractive, "aspiring Broadway dancer" whose death is clearly solid cover material.

The Post helpfully offers eight tips today for preparing a perfect Thanksgiving feast, on everything from avoiding uncooked stuffing to avoiding "raging house fires." Here are two others:

Take a moment, please, to behold the glory of today's New York Post, which declares the possibility Britney Spears starring in Broadway's Sweet Charity to be front-page "news."

In a story that features no dateline, the Post tells of a panel called "Indie Night School: Lawyer Edition," held at the standard Lower East Side venue for such a bizarrely titled gathering, Pianos. Tom Sean, a 26-year-old member of the Black Spoons, introduced the speakers, noting that the entertainment lawyers were "also TOTALLY COOL! Because even lawyers are indie."

20-year-old Brooklyn student Julia Minard was found murdered in a remote Belizean village.

Oh, that's unfortunate. We don't think she looks like a tranny at all.

30-year-old Darcy Smith (left) of South Orange is hot. So hot, in fact, that she can't even knock back a $15 cosmo without being constantly hit on by the suave gentlemen of New York nightlife. Weary of being asked to dance and offered drink after tiresome drink, Smith put a posting on Craigslist looking for a security guard to accompany her and her friends during their nights out on the town. Enter 315-pound Brendan Reed, one of three bodyguards Smith hired to keep the lady-killers at bay. Now, thanks to her personal security detail, Smith can pretend she's J-Lo and enjoy a night out with her girlfriends at Spirit.

• Syd Schanberg says journalism's big problem is insufficient transparency — that is, not enough journalism about journalism. In next week's "Press Clips," we fill him in on the existence of Jim Romenesko. [VV]
• Amid yesterday's newspaper-circ horror show, Post gains on News. Yay! [NYP]
• Yet the News is still ahead. Yay! [NYDN]
• Never mind the Judy mess; NYT still hasn't fulfilled post-Jayson promises. [PR Week]
• Why'd Andrew Heyward stick around CBS News for so long after the Memogate debacle? For his pension to kick in, of course. [Radar]
• Can't figure out why you should care about the recent sale rumblings at Knight Ridder? Because no less is at stake than — cue ominous music — the entire future of print journalism. Well, fuck. [LAT]
• Ted Koppel is leaving Nightline, in case you didn't know. [WP]

Big news in TabloidTown: Daily News reveals that their rivals at the Post have ties to La Cosa Nostra.

Okay, it's not as bad as it sounds. But Page Six, the Post's marvelous bastion of gossip and backstabbing, is launching a magazine. It's not of the traditional newsstand ilk, but will rather be a glossish insert in the paper (presumably Sundays, if it flies). Once we know more, we'll decide whether or not to be amused or mortified.

There's a terrifying story today about a man who dressed as a fireman for Halloween, lit a fire outside a woman's Chelsea apartment, and then sexually assaulted her for 12 hours. Thankfully, the Post lightens the mood a little bit by pairing the piece with a photograph of Lindsay Lohan in her firefighter Halloween costume. The laughter eases the horror, no?