[The Today show's Al Roker and Meredith Vieira stand in the rain today; image via AP]

As Meredith Vieira approaches her first anniversary as co-host of "The Today Show," let's take a look back—way, way back!—to the beginning of her journalism career, courtesy of E!'s "True Hollywood Story" about Vieira 's former show, "The View."

After we posted that painful skateboarding accident this morning, commenter THEBIGDOGGY said "This wasn't the only ouch-sporting moment on this morning's Today Show. Balk, dial up the clip of Meredith Viera beaning a 5-year-old kid (tennis prodigy) in the chest with a tennis ball - not once, but twice! I'm not kidding." He wasn't. Enjoy.

It feels like only yesterday that Paris Hilton was re-jailed after one magical night of luxuriating in the freedom of home-imprisonment, but the moment when she finally emerges from an unjust incarceration and shines as a Mandelaesque beacon of hope to all of those affected by Los Angeles County's oppressive system of celebutardtheid is nigh. And when Hilton exits the Century Regional Detention Facility sometime next week, she will need to be greeted by a television camera and a friendly face to ease her transition into her new role as Goodwill Ambassador for Stuff She Cares About Now.

• And so the Meatpacking District continues to burn: tomorrow night, Level V hosts a party for NV, the "beauty enhancing diet pill" currently being hawked by Carmen Electra. How appropriately gauche. [Animal]
• After their long, overdramatic stay in Namibia, Brangelina pledged $315K to a local preschool and area hospitals' maternity wards. Too bad Namibians haven't even seen 1/10 of that money. [Radar]
• If you never have the chance to sit and scream like a banshee in Oprah's studio audience, what's the next best thing? Sitting and screaming liking a banshee in the car she drove cross-country with Gayle King. [KickingTires]
• Meredith Vieira confesses to being one of those psycho Harvard wannabes. [Meredith Vieira Today]
• An insider privy to Diane Sawyer's interview with Mel Gibson (airing Thursday) says Sawyer was, "f****** harder on him than I could imagine. I was cringing." Rock. [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

It's now two hours into Meredith Vieira's debut on the Today show, and we can muster but one feeling: nausea. Not because Vieira's bad — she actually blends seamlessly, as if she'd spent her life preparing for friendly on-air flirtation with Matt Lauer. And she's pretty, so we automatically like her.

Watching The View used to be one of those guilty little pleasures you did in secret, like eating a whole pint of Cherry Garcia in one sitting, or reading. It was the comfort of sitting around with the gals, chatting about everything, without having to leave your house or actually know any gals.

• Meredith Vieira preps for her forthcoming role as Today show co-host by visiting the newsroom and, um, taping Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. The contrast of morning show queen to cheesy game-show host may be funny now, but just wait until she's doing a tough AM interview with a heavy hitter and asks them, "Is that your final answer?" [NYDN]
• Be mesmerized as you watch the downfall of Mel Gibson. [Us Weekly]
• And then do a little fist-pump, as he's been charged with a DUI. [TMZ]
• 9/11: The answer to Nic Cage's prayers. [Defamer]
• It may be hot as fried balls out there, but at least it's not Europe. [Logged Hours]
• Rather than slappping a vile breastfeeding image on a magazine cover, why not stick to the traditional, Christian methods of breast coverage? [Zulkey]
• Apparently, we're the reason you're not investing in your 401(K). [TAP]
• Misty water-colored memories of the Ford Administration. [Yahoo ]
• City Councilman John Liu talks about loser pedophile radio stooges. And it has nothing to do with Jeffrey Epstein. [Daily Politics]
• The Chinese goverment has ordered that 50,000 dogs be killed, if only so that you may better enjoy your delicious Lo Mein Special. [AP]
• Christopher Hitchens' obit: would that it were so. [The State That I Am In]
• Best headline of the day: Naked, Combative Man Leads Police to Marijuana Farm. [AP]

• Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz may be completely done, though the couple is reportedly keeping the news under wraps. Better to let the press focus on Diaz's rumored nose job, right? [Janet Charlton]
• Stanley Tucci repeatedly elbows and smacks Anne Hathaway's breasts, explaining that he can't help it because she's "flinging those melons around like it's harvest season." Sexual harrassers in offices everywhere now have a new defense. [Page Six]
• Is Meredith Vieira stealing humorous small talk from, of all pathetic things, Pepper Dennis plotlines? [Lowdown (3rd item)]
• Director Robert Altman would like to introduce you to his friend, Bongjohn Silver. [R&M]
• Crisis abroad: Courtney Love to appear in West End "classic." [Fox411]
• Phil Collins is doing WCBS anchor Dana Tyler. Why do we care? Because if we can't get "Su Su Sudio" out of our heads, then you're going to suffer with us. [Page Six]

• Try and follow: At an impromptu Prince performance at Butter, Lindsay Lohan follows her mortal enemy Paris Hilton into the bathroom. They have a big fight, because bathroom activities make you edgy and angry. Lohan returns to the main room to find Diddy sitting at her table, and jokingly asks what he's doing there. Diddy doesn't see the humor and yells at her to get out. There's a scuffle with his bodyguards, and Lohan is removed from the table. Later, at Bungalow 8, Lohan and Hilton sit at separate tables and compete to see who can stay at the club the longest. This item has been brought to you by D.A.R.E. [R&M]
• After having Cristal removed from his 40/40 clubs, Jay-Z continues his revenge on the champagne company, whose executives don't exactly love the hip-hop community's loyalty to the brand. At his performance on Sunday, Jigga will change the lyrics in his many songs that mention Cristal. Keep an eye out for creative pronunciations of "pistol." [Page Six]
• Incoming Today show host Meredith Vieira deems Dan Rather's ill-executed exit from CBS as "tacky." She's talking to you, Katie. [Lowdown]
• 75-year-old Robert Evans tallies up his seventh divorce. If he can stay alive long enough, maybe the eight marriage will be the charm. [MSNBC]
• Nicole Kidman may move to Keith Urban's rural Tennessee home, where she'll be free to get pregnant without fear of divorce. [Fox411]
• Because in the end, gay means quality, Superman gets decent reviews. [IMDb]

Network upfronts kick off today, heralding that wonderful time when the sparkly-toothed denizens of television unveil their fall schedules to advertisers. First up, under a dazzling array of fireworks accompanied by a marching band, NBC will "formally" introduce The View's Meredith Vieira as Katie Couric's replacement on the Today show. Vieira, meanwhile, has been trying to prepare for her new morning gig:

• For you alarmists out there who believe in the myth of forthcoming environmental disasters, enjoy a map of what Manhattan would look like if the sea levels were to rise a healthy 9 meters. Au revoir, Alphabet City. [Flood.firetree.net]
• Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn's engagement enters the completely unfounded and highly unlikely rumor phase. [Patrique Gossip]
• New York's highest court denies Diddy's appeal, ordering him to pay over $19K/month in child support to ex-girlfriend Misa Hylton-Brim. That should just about cover the mental anguish of having to see him naked. [AP]
• And while Diddy may have to shell out more pennies than he'd like, at least he's still allowed to devote an entire Time 100 table to his formidable posse. [FishbowlNY]
• Axl Rose swears that Chinese Democracy will be out by the end of this century. Really, he means it this time. [Billboard]
• Lindsay Lohan appeared on TRL yesterday, but wouldn't talk to Vanessa Minnillo until their mutual flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick hammered out a 2-minute peace treaty. [Jossip]
• Barbara Walters is supposedly angry with Meredith Vieira for leaving The View. If she left us with Rosie O'Donnell, we'd be pissed, too. [TMZ]
• And finally, THE ELLIES ARE TONIGHT! WHEE! Check back here later for our breaking updates, sent lovingly from the scene of Magville's debutante ball.

According to a report released late last night by the Associated Press, Rosie O'Donnell will be replacing Meredith Vieira on The View. Um, OK? Was ABC particularly impressed with Rosie's big gay cruise? Is that what precipated this decision?

Now that it's been a good week since Katie Couric and Meredith Vieira announced their respective farewells, we've moved past the teary hysterics and can finally take a logical look at the situation. Thinking clearly, we realize that Katie's departure and Meredith's move to the Today Show really won't be that big of a deal — as a handy video from Comedy Central shows, the two women are the exact same person.

• Before she suffered abuse at the hands of Star Jones, Meredith Vieira had an abusive boyfriend to deal with. As she heads to the Today show, these serious revelations unfortunately do not help us forget that she hosts Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, would Soledad O'Brien be crazy enough to leave CNN to replace Vieira on The View? [Gatecrasher]
• More penny-pinching around AMI? After Celebrity Living crumbled last week, rumors swirl that Star and National Enquirer may be up for sale, and editorial director Bonnie Fuller's contract may not be renewed. If so, pity: We doubt her book sales will support Fuller's leather-clad lifestyle. [Page Six]
• Finally, a role up to par with Jessica Simpson's intellectual capabilities: she'll play CJ Parker — the character originally played by Pamela Anderson — in the Baywatch movie. [IMDb]
• If there's anything we don't want to imagine, it's Macauley Culkin musing on the literary life. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell drops out of Diddy's "Celebrity Cooking Showdown" after being told she wouldn't be able to beat opponents with frying pans. [Page Six]

• ABC is rumored to be eyeing Everybody Loves Raymond star Patricia Heaton as Meredith Vieira's replacement on The View. Heaton is a right-winger, which means Elizabeth Hasselbeck won't be as necessary to the mix, and she may be booted for Fuse VJ Marianela Pereyra. Back to Survivor for you, Lizzie. [Page Six]
• That being said, we wonder how much Heaton and Pereyra paid for the above item. [NYP]
• There's a reason you're shelling out $384 for a ticket to see Madonna: she's got to cover the costs of having the entire floor of hotels all to her lonesome. [R&M]
• Those who worked with kosher caterer Arthur Schick say he would physically grab people and force them to clear off tables — so the idea that he incited a Hasidic riot really isn't so far-fetched. [Lowdown]
• Jennifer Aniston goes apartment-hunting in Chicago, calls herself a "fighting Illini." [IMDb]

We're sitting here, watching the View and listening to Meredith Vieira talk about Katie Couric's move to CBS, when our ears perk up at the sound of Barbara Walters abruptly switching to her soft-and-sensitive voice: "And after the break, some news of our own."