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It feels like only yesterday that Paris Hilton was re-jailed after one magical night of luxuriating in the freedom of home-imprisonment, but the moment when she finally emerges from an unjust incarceration and shines as a Mandelaesque beacon of hope to all of those affected by Los Angeles County's oppressive system of celebutardtheid is nigh. And when Hilton exits the Century Regional Detention Facility sometime next week, she will need to be greeted by a television camera and a friendly face to ease her transition into her new role as Goodwill Ambassador for Stuff She Cares About Now.

According to a report in today's NY Post, that friendly face will belong to Today show personality Meredith Vieira, who in addition to lending a sympathetic ear to the tale of Hilton's harrowing, weeks-long confinement, will be carrying a burlap sack filled with $1 million in cash. This news should certainly come as a shock to family friend and confidant Barbara Walters, the vessel through whom Paris so memorably transmitted the story of her jailhouse conversion from "dumb girl" to God-fearing, compassionate fabricator of playhouses for sick children. As we write these words, an enraged Walters is cashing in some favors to get a personal message delivered to the disloyal inmate, who will discover that today's bologna sandwich is slathered in a special broken-glass mustard and comes with a note reading, "You are fucking with the wrong bitch, little girl. We'll be exclusively seeing you on The View very soon, or that million bucks won't even cover the repairs to that pretty face of yours."

In other Hilton news: Paris's menagerie continues to be ill-tended in her absence, and she's keeping busy in prison by corresponding with her fan.