Tonight marks the release of Alfie, starring the vain, foppish rake we all love. No, not Jude Law (whom I've heard is quite handsome). I'm talking about Vanity Fair editor and longtime Gawker obsession, Graydon Carter.

A tipster alerts us to the fact that 4 Times Square, the home of Vogue, Vanity Fair, Cargo, and all the other shiny happy glossies in the Condé Nast empire, is raining glass onto the sidewalk. (Come on, Si: everyone knows that boiling oil is the only way to get rid of Times Square riffraff.) Police have reportedly closed off the street to prevent injury.

Among the many mysteries of The New York Post (like, how exactly do so many monkeys chained to so many typewriters manage to make so few errors) is the title "Columnist of the Year" beside the shrill blackboard scratchings that are Andrea Peyser's column. (Today, Peyser, who appears to have taken that new female Viagra, pens a column called Bulging biceps! Six packs! Yes, ladies, men are back. Her example of this earth-shattering phenom? Chippendales auditions. Yes, all men have waxed chests and wear body makeup.)

New Mediabistro editor (and Gawker alum) Elizabeth Spiers gets a gold medal for bravery this week, for delving into the dark underworld of Mediabistro's freelancer bulletin boards. When a user asks about Mediabistro's payment policy for essay writers (the policy being no payment), things get catty. Some highlights from the angry and impoverished freelancers:

Grandma Post columnist Liz Smith decides to get blind on her gossiping brethern but, well, we know better:

Reports are emerging that Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has died in France after being admitted to a hospital last week for an undisclosed stomach problem. Others are saying the leader is technically alive but clinically brain dead (don't make us write it). Per usual, the international media doesn't seem to know what the fuck is going on. Whatever the situation, can we consider this the first, official election-related death?
Arafat Reported Clinically Dead [Reuters UK]

Whispered in our ears: Andrew Essex, former no. 2 man over at Details, has tried to take some staffers with him to his new gig at Absolute Publishing. Poor Essex and his refugees, however, got slapped with a decidedly unsexy noncompete agreement from Details' parent company, Advance Magazine Group. The agreement, which includes some sort of clause about staffing, ensures that Essex's poor minions will stay chained to their desks and unable to break free from the confines of Details' charticle factory. Another day, another humanitarian crisis.

Remember when the UK tabs just focused on making up lies about pregnant celebrities? Those were the good old days...

We really don't care what anybody says about Star editor Bonnie Fuller. She understands that we need to keep tabs on our dying celebrities! Without Bonnie, we wouldn't be able to heal those deep divisions between anorexics and bulimics.

Finally making the newspaper numbers "scandal" a little more complete, the Times has received a subpoena from the U.S. Attorney's office in connection with their ongoing investigation of circulation practices. Joining the ranks of Newsday, the Post, and the Daily News, the Gray Lady is the fourth New York daily to be investigated in the grand jury probe (and adds a little sparkle to the list, if we do say so outselves). The Times claims it has been assured by the Attorney's office that it is not at the center of the investigation, thus leaving its lawyers ample free time to prepare for their next inevitable debacle.
Circulation Investigation Hits The Times [NYDN]

The news from American Media's venerable Star magazine is that Michael Lewittes, the glossy tab's news editor, has left editrix Bonnie Fuller in the dust for the warmer, safer confines of television. Access Hollywood, to be more precise. This is huge; does the move mean that working with fucking Billy Bush is preferable to time with Bonnie? Even we find that hard to believe. Actually, no, we'll believe anything at this point.
NYP (2nd item)

At the top of the page. Obviously.
Drudge Report

· Just when you thought today was a somber one for New York, news breaks that Conde Nast is pushing up the launch date of their new home shopping mag Domino from next fall to April. See, people, it's not that bad out there so long as we can SHOP. [NYP]
· In case you missed it, NBC's Tim Russert has abandoned his old wipeboard for a snazzy Fujitsu tablet PC. We know you're lining up at at the Smithsonian to see the original right now. [Poynter]
· The U.S. Attorney's office subpoenas the Post's circulation and advertising records as part of its investigation of ad rates. Publisher Lachlan Murdoch is too drunk on celebratory beverages to notice. [NYDN]
· Is it true? Has the staff of the Observer FINALLY moved into their new offices? And did they bring the rodents (who, at this point, must surely be regarded with some degree of affection as staff "pets") with them?
· Conrad Black steps down as chairman of Hollinger, the the holding company that whips around the Chicago Sun-Times. Now Hollinger can go private and Black can be even more rich. [E&P]

And so, after a late night drinking and watching various old men with move-proof hair tell us, um, absolutely nothing, the election is technically over and technically not yet decided. Something about provisional ballots... Are those for black people? Whatever, Fox News just now announced that Ohio was a done deal for W., so you know how things stand.

Proving that the Times is indeed "on the pulse," restaurant critic Frank Bruni picks up blogging just in time for the election. At 3:05 AM, it hits Frank:

Of course, we were down for, like, two days last week or something. Welcome back to the club, Spiers!
Mediabistro

Spring Street Networks, the online personal operator for all those lovely singles you see on Nerve, The Onion, and right here at yours truly, is allegedly going through a restructuring phase. And by "restructuring," we mean slashing and burning. An anonymous insider reports:

Early reports from New York's esteemed polling places: the lines are really, really long. We know you haven't finished muddling through the September Vogue, so bring a copy along. Chances are, you'll finish it. Meanwhile, keep an eye out for New York's finest: is Chloe Sevigny casting her ballot? Is Jocelyn Wildenstein volunteering at a polling place? What district does Sarah Jessica Parker vote in? Can we confirm Graydon's democratic ballot? We know Eliot Spitzer was at PS 6 on the Upper East Side this morning, but where's Richard Johnson queuing? Get out there, people, and STALK FOR DEMOCRACY.

In an effort to make light of their televised ass-raping by Daily Show host Jon Stewart, CNN's Crossfire invited Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on the show for some reflection:

Yesterday, Page Six reported a "missive" from an American Media mole in which just over six pages are spent railing against Star editrix Bonnie Fuller. What could possibly be said about Bonnie that hasn't been said before? We've got our hands on the dispatch and would love to highlight its finer, more rational points: