See what happens when you fail to win a single Ellie at the National Magazine Awards? Those snarkologists at the Post turn on you like jackals and start ripping off bits of flesh.

Cindy Adams offers up another ridonkulous rant, this time on Spring and the sudden proliferation of faux boobies. Thanks for the mammaries, Cind! (man, that one never gets old, does it?)

Earlier this week, FishbowlNY reported on the Post's strange little system where employee instant messages are monitored by a Big Brother-style program, kicking users off for words such as "vaginal."

Ealier, we somehow missed this typically Drudgian juxtaposition of images, but a reader helpfully opened our eyes to it. Not only are we treated to a superhero straining to escape his tights, but we get a winged "space cigar" riding bareback on three other engorged phalluses. We should consider ourselves lucky that today's news was completely free of hot-dog eating contests, or else we all may have fainted dead away as Freudian overload shook loose blood vessels in our brains.

This morning, we quoted a piece regarding Apple wizard Steve Jobs in which he used an "eight letter expletive." Sure, the word in question was probably something innocent like "bullshit," but we'd like to think Jobs is more creative than that. We asked you to think outside the box and send in your eight-letter brilliance, and you responded with wit and wisdom. After the jump are your ever-so-blue creations, which should come in handly next time the ATM pulls some twatfrob and won't let you withdraw enough cash for the dogcunty cab fare.

A college student details the aftermath of an internship rejection at the hands of Spin Magazine:

Speaking of Bonnie Fuller looking for some new Stars, we're rather certain she's reached out to "Perez Hilton" of gossip blog PageSixSixSix. Perez or Mario, as we like to call him was just hired for a full-time position with Bonnie. And good for him; homeboy's got to get paid, right?

Chris Wilson shares some benevolent threats with a Gawker correspondent.

While covering last night's Young Lions Benefit at the NY Public Library (requisite Party Crash TK), Gawker had the misfortune of politely asking Page Six's Chris Wilson to pose for a picture. Big mistake, as it would seem that Chris is not a photography fan. Nor is he a fan of Gawker, bunnies, or rainbows. The following is an account of what followed from notes of Special Correspondent K. Eric Walters*, with pictures by photographer Jennifer Snow.

Good morning, perpetually unemployed friends! We've got a big fat present for you:

What better way to round out our Jonathan Safrantastic week with a larger look at the family Foer? It seems that Jonathan isn't the only one with a burning passion for indie cover boy Bright Eyes; younger brother Joshua Foer is also a loquacious fan. From the Yale Herald, September 2002:

Normally we'd leave this to our geeky brother, but the following falls under our beat as a verbal exercise:

With all the recent hand-wringing about the younger generation abandoning newspapers, we thought we'd go to the source of the problem: a young person who hates newspapers. Young person, why do you hate newspapers so?

Now that Radar has finally assigned writers to charticle duty and has moved on to the bigger task of pretending their book is ready to go, management has "relaxed:"

· Thanks to Jeff Zucker's freakout, a cabal of Harvard grads now rule the Big 3 morning news shows. (Fox & Friends suspected to be Ivy-free.) [USAT via Romenesko]
· A&E plans to follow up hits Growing up Gotti and Dog the Bounty Hunter with a slate of other reality TV knockoffs. One potential gem: Spying On Myself, in which participants go undercover to find out what their friends really think of them. [Mediaweek]
· Time Warner and Comcast agree to buy bankrupt Adelphia for $17.6 billion. We regret to inform you that your cable bill just jumped 15%. [Bloomberg]
· E&P reporter to newspaper execs: "Blogs? Forget them." Can we get an amen? [E&P]

Shut up and set sail for paradise.

If it's Thursday, it must be the launch of another two more celebrity magazines. Let's see, today we've got TV Guide's Inside TV ($1.99) and American Media's Celebrity Living ($1.89! Cheap!). Though both new mags claim to be "warm and fuzzy," reports of intimidating ground tactics counter that claim. A Gawker correspondent reports from the streets of Manhattan:

Shoot, there are too many letters in 'harassment' — oh, but 'loofah' fits! Wait, so does 'Mackris.' Hmm...

Graydon Carter's inner monologue: "I just don't get how those Amazon sales rankings work. It doesn't make sense. It can't be right."

New York Times, 4/11/05: "Come the end of April, visitors to the Web site (www.radarmagazine.com) will be reintroduced to Radar, which its founders are trying to make irreverent, urban and fun. Then, by the time the magazine comes out on May 24, readers will have been primed for the first issue and be looking forward to the next. The strategy is highly unusual, and it reflects some of the thought that has gone in to making sure that this time Radar stays in the air."

So many festivals, so little time. All offer a taste of the profound, a refreshing window to the world beyond New York, perhaps a chance to escape our manic days, if only for a few hours.