The Onion isn't publishing this week, which makes it even harder to tell: A headline from the Onion archives, or a headline from CNN.com today?

We weren't going to say anything about the Observer's new website. (We felt like we'd already had our fun with it.)

As we speak (write?), Time reporter Matt Cooper — after months of litigation, ungranted petitions for certiorari, threats in all directions, a fight inside Norm Pearlstine's head, a dramatic farewell to his son, an equally dramatic (or perhaps not) release from his source, Judy Miller's incarceration, and Newsweek's revelation of an email to his boss — is finally testifying before special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald's grand jury.

Suddenly, we understand why mom never let us play the 'stabbing ourselves with a kitchen knife game.'

• Good thing Time Inc. honcho Norm Pearlstine has that lawyer in his head. Now SI seems to be up a legal shit's creek. [WSJ]
• And apparently the lawyer in Pearlstine's head is a better strategist than the one at Judy Miller's defense table, or so say Howie Kurtz's sources. [WP]
• But that's OK, because Bob Woodward tells Larry King he'd be happy to serve Miller's jail time for her. Then he goes back to his townhouse in Georgetown. [E&P]
• Meantime, you know what'd be great? A book about being a reporter in Iraq! [NYO]

"Paris may be the world's fashion capital," the NPRily calm and measured voice of a Times photog tells us at the opening of the latest "Tribes of New York" installment, "but New York has the world's most interesting women. One group that will never bore you are [sic] the girls of goth." We're not going to say it's the most groundbreaking reporting you've ever seen in the Times — "I guess goth is an alternative lifestyle that people pick," one girl insighfully explained — but, still, the whole multimedia package is wonderfully wacky.

Dear God, we thought. What has McCain been caught on tape doing? Will this kill his political career? Oh Matt, we cried out, please please please explain what you're talking about, so we can see whether the republic will survive.

We live to serve, and so we're thrilled to have the chance to help reader Gordon, who emailed this request last night:

An announcement in last night's Publisher's Lunch:

We never figured the New Yorker kids for a bunch of jocks, but apparently they are. Last night, as we reported, they faced off against New York on a Tribeca soccer field, and, we've learned, Remnick's crew kicked some New York ass, winning 6 to 4.

From our Easter basket of correctional joy, today's Times:

Intern Alexis would like to apologize to each and every one of you: For the past three weeks or so, she's been a PCP-infused haze, eating innocent kittens, and ditching her intern responsibilites like only a bitchy addict would. By abandoning her Look Book duties, she burned you, she burned us, and she burned dozens of starving orphans who had nothing more to look forward to in life than Alexis' weekly feature.

Start slathering on your going-out face and undergoing all the latest peels, rubs, and injections: We hear spa and beauty guru Beth Landman is soon to be skedaddling from the luxurious mud baths of New York mag. We understand it's an amicable departure, but we don't know any more than that. Feel free to fill us in, if you'd like.

We may have different feelings about asscracks and thonglines than most people, but we admit we're fairly pleased by news in the Post that low-rise jeans are finally, well, rising.

• Now, newspapers maybe kinda sorta like blogs. [WSJ]
• But bloggers still don't get to count as real journalists. [National Journal]
• Unless, of course, the Federal Election Commission says they do. [WP]
• While they're figuring it out, we'll be taking Simon Dumenco's yuk-alicious media-studies pop quiz. [Ad Age]
• And staying far, far away from Don Imus. [AP via Yahoo]

On the one hand, it's gotta be a little weird when your brain start playing music no one else can hear. (Just ask Christine Daa .)

What we're wondering is, what is Janice Min running for? Maybe she has Congressional aspirations? Or seeks sainthood? Or perhaps she just really, really wants quick entrance into ASME's Magazine Editors' Hall of Fame.

Despite whatever fallacies you may have been forced to endure during your youth, we're happy to announce that cheaters do, in fact, win. (Those of you who went to boarding school probably already knew this.) We're not quite so happy, however, to announce that the new maxim of victorious cheaters extends to Bauer Publishing's glossy toilet paper, Life & Style:

We don't care how dangerous the chemicals in your lab are, how noxious the fumes wafting by, or how many sharp sticks hover just outside the photographer's frame. Please please please remember when having your picture taken for a newspaper that 1.1 million people will read — or even, really, for anything anyone will see — to take off the freaking safety goggles.

Our old pal TVNewswer has all sorts of screengrabs from Friday's hurricane coverage, and we must say we're sort of heartbroken. Not because the networks all spend untold sums on the biggest cable-news clich of them all — "It's sure is rainy and windy out here in this hurricane, Jim" — but for a much simpler reason: Our fantasy version of a wet and tousled Anderson Cooper has been, as they say, mugged by reality.