• OH MY GOD IT'S SO FUCKING AMAZING OH YEAH TOM CRUISE! You, too, can experience the joy of Tom, by watching the live webcast of him walking into the movie theater at 7pm. [Yahoo]
• An ad agency sues a blogger for defamation. Sigh. [AdAge]
• We don't know how we missed the photos of Diane Von Furstenburg at Monday night's Costume Institute Ball, but we're really glad that we did. [Papierblog]
• Back when New York was listing its 123 reasons to love New York, they included a group of bright young things and predicted that at least one of them would be famous by 2010. Kaavya Viswanathan was in said group. How prescient. [NYM]
• In additional Kaavya digs, we're enjoying her July 2005 Times piece on her love of Harry Potter books. Has anyone thought to compare those texts to Opal Mehta? [NYT]
• People magazine keeps their racism subtle. [Jen Is Famous]
• Bonnie Fuller poses for the cover of Lifestyles magazine. And for the record, her face is frozen like that. [FishbowlNY]
• But at least the Bonnster's Toronto book party gave bloggers the chance to gorge themselves on chocolate-covered strawberries and mini-bruschetta. There's never too much when it comes to finger food! [OMG Blog]

The Supreme Court ruled today that teetering widow Anna Nicole Smith could pursue millions from the oil fortune of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall II. As a 26-year-old stripper, Smith married Marshall in 1994 when he was 89-years-old. Marshall died a year later, and Smith claimed he had promised her half of his $1.6 billion estate. Naturally, Marshall's family took issue, and the two sides have been entrenched in court ever since.

Because when you do a Google image search for the woman who's suing Paris Hilton, all you get are pictures of Paris Hilton.

Other Scary Hollywood Lawyer (and recent Defamer penpal) Marty Singer has fired a warning shot across the bow of The Smoking Gun, trying to head off a potentially embarrassing situation for an unnamed client who was a little careless with her diary. An excerpt from the legal letter:

Today's Daily News update on accused sex offender and former Women's Wear Daily staffer Peter Braunstein is a bona fide treasure trove of Crazy. As he puts it, he dressed as a fireman to obtain entry into a former co-worker's apartment for 13 hours of molestation not because he's psycho, but because New York had turned its back on him. You hear that? It's our fault, New York. We're all to blame, from the sleeping MTA worker to Alex Kuczynski.

• Jesus, whether you believe in him or not, loves you, and that's why he's given you the documents from Paris Hilton's deposition. You knew the bitch was dumb, but you never could have predicted this level of retardation. It's medical, really.
• The transcript for Colin Farrell's sex tape makes our hearts surge with hope. Just like we felt the first time we saw Bridget Jones' Diary.
• We expect NYC restaurants to be filthy, but Soho House? Oh, the $1300/year horror of it all!
• We've seen promo posters for The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, based on the book by Fake Writer JT Leroy — and the marketing department behind them clearly has no clue what the fuck is going on.
• Opinionistas writer Melissa Lafsky is revealed. Now that you know her name, you can also know she's the estranged step-sister of Jordan Catalano!
• William Shatner returns to his true calling as an awards show host, which naturally ups the worth of his kidney stone to $25K.
• Packs of cigarettes seem to be falling from the sky, for reasons we can't quite figure out. Either some sneaky guerrilla marketing is afoot, or God has taken pity on your habit.
• Your job sucks. Get a new one with Gawker Jobs.
• Stop reading James Frey, and defintely stop reading him in public.
• Tina Brown takes a "break" from the Washington Post. Will we ever see her again? Or has she lost her will to buzz?!

Pillar of British tabloid journalistic integrity The Sun reports that the infamous "Trapped in the Closet" episode of South Park, in which Tom Cruise is not so subtly outed as being gay (the entire episode is available courtesy Scientomogy, but just to give those who missed it some reference point, a subtler maneuver would have been to write the word "HOMO" on Cruise's forehead in pink spray paint, accompanied by a giant, downward pointing arrow running down his face and torso), has been pulled from its UK airing schedule, with whispers that it was Cruise himself who's to blame:

Way back in July, Page Six ran an item claiming that Zeta Graff, the ex-girlfriend of Paris Hilton's then-fiancée Paris Latsis, attacked Hilton at a London nightclub and attempted to steal Hilton's $4 million necklace. Since then, Graff has filed a $10 million slander suit. While we love ourselves a well-monied catfight, this one is especially entertaining because we get to read depositions from Hilton's publicist, Rob Shuter, and now Hilton herself.

• On the website for NBC's The Office, there's a cutesy little feature which allows users to upload original photos documenting their own office torture sessions. Someone posted the picture at right with the following caption: "Art Director of a major magazine busy at work with some fashion samples for Holiday Gift Guide." Alright, kittens, IDENTIFY THIS MAN. Who is he? We know you know! [The Office]
• It was inevitable: James Frey faces a class-action lawsuit regarding the false claims in A Million Little Pieces. [HND]
• Urban Outfitters liked online retailer Johnny Cupcake's t-shirt designs, so they asked for a sample to be considered for placement with the retailer. For whatever reason, a deal wasn't worked out — presumably because Urban realized they could save cash by stealing the designs and making the t-shirts themselves. [Consumerist]
• What does your H&M location say about you? Personally, ours says "poor and desperate." [VV via Curbed]
• How to write Gay. [MBToolbox]

We can't give any legal analysis on this other than our usual what-the-fuck, but: Peter Braunstein has pleaded not guilty to sexual assault charges. His legal team has indicated that they may be looking to work the "he's a crazy, mental bastard" defense, but they have yet to file a notice of intent.

We had some fun yesterday with publicist Rob Shuter's deposition from the Paris Hilton-Zeta Graff slander suit, in which the high-priced celebrity mouthpiece admits that he did nothing more than pass on verbatim what his client told him — that Graff attacked Hilton at a London club, which Hilton has now admitted never happened — in the manner she told him to. It's a nice tale, in which all the blame falls on Paris's skeletal shoulders, and steadfast Shuter is shown as dutifully doing his job.

• Page Six claims to have seen a picture of Lindsay Lohan's friend bringing the starlet a pregnancy test while she rests at a Miami hospital. Because hospital pregnancy tests just aren't as reliable as an E.P.T. [Page Six]
• An attempt to patch things up with Katie Holmes' parents doesn't go well for Tom Cruise, and the couple leave the family home earlier than planned. Thetans just don't have the time to deal with that sort of bullshit, y'know? [Scoop]
• Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen filed for divorce yesterday. We'd mock them but, after they initially separated, they actually tried to work things out for their kids. So now it's just kind of sad. Like Platoon. [Page Six]
• Howard Stern's daughter Emily drops out of a Kabbalah play, in which she would appear nude, after concerns that pictures would end up on the internet. Damn you, bloggers. [Lowdown]
• Vincent Pastore is being sued for by his former fianc e, Lisa Regina, who is seeking $5 million after being physically and emotionally abused by "Big Pussy." Lord, if we could sue a pussy for all it's put us through... [Cindy Adams]
• The White House continues to withhold information from full congressional oversight regarding its stance on scallops. [R&M]

In early July 2005, Page Six ran a story claiming that Zeta Graff, a diamond heiress who once dated Hilton's former fiancé Paris Latsis, had attacked Hilton at London nightclub Kabaret and tried to steal Hilton's $4 million necklace. Graff denied the incident and, in response, filed a $10 million slander suit, claiming Hilton had planted this and other "malicious falsehoods" in the New York Post, for reasons amounting to little more than stank bitchiness.

Just in time for Christmukkah (a phrase which, seeing as the first night of the Festival of Lights falls on Christmas, we can say with an ounce of legitimacy), sexual assault suspect Peter Braunstein has received a nicely-wrapped package of merry comeupance. Yesterday in Manhattan Supreme Court, the former Women's Wear Daily reporter was indicted on charges of arson, kidnapping, burglary, robbery and sexual abuse, and today brings Braunstein's arraignment. Fans of Law & Order will understand what this all means.

Britney Spears and her army of overworked lawyers are suing Us Weekly over the magazine's claim that Spears and Federline have made a sex tape, and so the dutiful lawyers at Wenner Media have made a call to the Us staff:

Because celebrities love to FIGHT BACK (!), Britney Spears has filed a modest $20 million libel lawsuit against Us Weekly for publishing a story about her rumored sex tape. The item, which ran in the magazine's October 17 "Hot Stuff" column, claimed that Spears and her half-assed husband Kevin Federline were concerned about the release of a special home video, which they screened with their lawyers. (Oh, who doesn't watch amateur porn with their counsel? Big whoop.)

• While public sentiment believes that actress Sienna Miller is patching up her romance with cheating tramp Jude Law, Miller was seen getting "cozy" with Leonardo DiCaprio at Bungalow 8. And as we all know, the walls at B8 never lie. [Scoop]
• Donald Trump stops just short of calling his pregnant wife Melania Knauss a big-titted "monster" on Howard Stern. Like mama said, money can't buy class. [Page Six]
• Danny Bonaduce will pose nude for Vanity Fair — because magazines don't really want to, like, sell copies or anything. [Lowdown]
• Token white rapper Eminem is set to rewed Kim Mathers, the coke-loving mother of his child. We can't wait till they divorce and he writes some more heartfelt songs about locking her in a trunk and killing her. [R&M]
• Jay-Z is being sued by former pro-wrestler Diamond Dallas Page for stealing his gang sign. [Page Six]

FindLaw columnist Julie Hilden asks the Tom Cruise Legal Question That Dares Not Speak Its Name, using the occasion of the recent South Park episode in which an animated, fictional Cruise quite literally finds himself "Trapped in the Closet" to wonder if the actor could (or even should) sue over the show's thinly veiled (OK, completely transparent) questions about his sexuality. Hilden raises this fascinating parallel argument about whether being accused of being gay should even be considered defamatory:

When we wrote about Brittany Murphy's surprise separation from ICM and Brillstein-Grey last week, we noted that her "people" had been reduced to a publicist. As it turns out, Murphy's legal team, headed by Hollywood's Other Scary Lawyer, Martin Singer, was loyal to the end. We've received a very long, none-too-pleased letter (funny how that works when you bill by the hour) denying that Murphy is "Jordache Junky," the star of a Ted Casablanca blind item and our readers' most-guessed actress in our Blind Item Guessing Game, and that Murphy was dumped by ICM and Brillstein-Grey.

In a move that leaves us scratching our heads, Civil Court Judge Diane Lebedeff has ruled that two Manhattan women are were entitled to refunds from internet dating service Great Expectations. One woman paid $1000 for six months that yielded absolutely no dates, while another paid $3,790 for a three-year membership full of duds. The latter woman, "Debra Roe," works in financial services and was looking to meet a fellow professional: