New York's top court still hates those fags: sadly, in a 4 to 2 ruling, they've decided that same-sex couples have no constitutional right to marry. The court also ruled unanimously that the state legislature is constitutionally permitted to continue operating under the delusion that they are living in fifties-era Texas.

• There's been an arrest in the case of Brangelina's stolen baby shower photos; still no clue who unleashed those horrid Britney pics, though. [R&M]
• In other Brangelina legal news: a Jordanian man tries to embezzle $23,000 with a fake ID bearing Brad Pitt's picture. [Reuters]
• Josh Duhamel pounds on a bathroom door at Vegas nightclub Bella, the occupant of which was taking too long. The door opens, out comes Tommy Lee, and suddenly Duhamel is on the floor. Never mess with a man's toot time. [Page Six]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's Tahitian honeymoon is crashed by Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, who are staying at the same resort, brining with them plenty of paparazzi. [IMDb]
• The ladies of The View are just a bunch of harpies. [NYDN]
• The Polish-American Congress brands Garry Trudeau a bigot because of a character named Kaminski in his Doonesbury cartoons. It would figure that a bunch of stupid polocks wouldn't get the joke. [Lowdown]
• The Glasgow Hilton refuses to give Paris Hilton a corporate discount. The Scotland tourism board couldn't have bought better publicity. [Page Six]
• A naked Pam Anderson just ain't what it used to be. [TMZ]

• Palm Beach airport officials find a bottle of Viagra in Rush Limbaugh's bag, but the prescription is not in his name. The situation could result in a second-degree misdemeanor, and one very unsatisfied lady friend. [CNN]
• People's online appendage is hiring — and much like OK!, they're looking on Craigslist. If that's the best their HR can afford, Time Inc. is suffering more than we all know. [Craigslist]
• Naomi Campbell sashays into court to deal with that silly time she chucked a crystal-encrusted BlackBerry at her housekeeper's head. Alas, she did not wear the coveted denim for her appearance. [TMZ]
• A very pregnant Lizzie Grubman — imagine, if you can, what horror grows within her womb. [New York Scene]
• Ann Coulter scores exactly 666 mentions on the HuffPo People Ranker. Coincidence? Hell fucking no. [HuffPo]
• It was only a matter of time before Billyburg hipsters made themselves their own ironic, Billyburg sitcom. Forgive us for kind of loving it. [The Burg]
• Dan Radosh's love of hardcore porn makes the New York Approval Matrix, but not without the snub of not naming his website. Though his wife is likely relieved. [Radosh]
• This may be the most adorably stupid item ever: hot priests who look like celebrities. Naturally, these men of the cloth have their own calendar. Even more naturally, we've ordered ourselves one for every square foot of HQ. [TMZ]

• More confirmation on yesterday's rumor that Star Jones is on her way out at The View — she's got no new gigs lined up (shock), producers had been looking to give her the boot since the wedding freebies fiasco last fall (double shock), but Barbara Walters kept Jones around out of pity (unfuckingbelievable). The arrival of Rosie O'Donnell, however, sealed the deal, and Jones is off like an plus-sized prom dress. [Fox411]
• And set your DVRs: Star's big farewell is allegedly on Friday. Actually, she announced it this morning. Alas, we were watching hot Brazilian men kick Ghana's ass. [Lowdown]
• Lohan's recent week in NYC was so hardcore — fights with Paris, late nights at Bungalow, tears and glasses thrown at promoters — that not even her stylist, Nate Newell, could handle it. After being flown out to keep Lohan company, he begged friends to get him home after the constant drama. Good riddance to him, too. Rachel Zoe would never pussy out like that. [Page Six]
• You won't see pictures of baby Suri because no one will pay for them. [IMDb]
• Elton John and hubby David Furnish are kicked out of Pharrell Williams' party in Milan by a security guard looking to bring in more women. If only he'd realized the lady-gems that had been sitting right before him. [R&M]
• Megapublicist Dan Klores tries his hand as a playwright. From one sort of fiction to another, we suppose. [Page Six]
• John Cusack seeks a restraining order against a stalker named Emily Leatherman. The surname really should have tipped everyone off. [TMZ]

• Stolen photos from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby shower have made their way to the web, prompting lawyers to do their threatening, lawyerly thing. The images may be illegal, but is it so wrong that the people want to see Brangelina wearing the Laurel Touby fertility costume? Marvel at the image here. [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban tie the knot; Kidman wears 80's throwback gown by Balenciaga. [Us Weekly]
• After learning that her interview with Matt Lauer didn't do much to help her image, Britney Spears hires someone to take classy pictures. Alas, the pics and an interview were sold to OK! for a mere $5K — much less than Britney's $200K asking price. Only K-Fed fetches that kind of money nowadays. [Page Six]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone bend to blackmail from the National Enquirer. [R&M]
• Steven Soderbergh's former agent, Pat Dollard, more or less calls George Clooney a pussy. [Page Six]

In media years, it's been nearly two decades since former Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern allegedly attempted to extort billionaire Ron Burkle. The snails at the FBI, however, haven't forgotten. Last month, the investigation was referred to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for final review; it would seem that he's approved further work on the case, as New York mag reports that Page Six editor Richard Johnson has been "contacted for questioning by a group that includes prosecutors from the Southern District and federal agents."

So long as Reese Witherspoon is suing AMI for Star magazine's story claiming that she's pregnant with her third child, she might as well have her educated pit bulls serve something similarly sweet for the rest of celebrity weekly gang. At left, Life&Style claims that loose top = fertile womb; at right, OK! points out Witherspoon's gut and politely calls it a pregnancy.

Because everything at AMI these days is fluffy and wonderful — five magazines on the block, Bonnie Fuller on the contract-renegotiation warpath, layoffs at Star — here's some more good news: actress Reese Witherspoon has filed suit against Star for publishing a "fictional" story claiming she was pregnant. The counsel for Laura Jean Reese Witherspoon (whoa) charges that the mag exploited Reese's squeaky clean persona "in a callous effort to boost the tabloid's sagging sales."

It's a situation every girl finds herself in: you're tooling around on your Facebook, staring at the self-portraits of your 56 "friends," when you get a message from an old girlfriend looking to reconnect. You begin emailing each other, and your bond is quickly solidified through the intimacy of instant messages. Suddenly, your friend has a problem. She's in deep shit with her art professor, and if she doesn't turn in some tasteful nude portraits, she'll lose her $2,000 scholarship. You care about your friend — after all, she is on your Buddy List — so you help her out by sending some naked pictures of yourself. It's in the name of higher education, after all.

• Kate Moss will not be charged with possession stemming from her September '05 cover shoot with the UK's Daily Mirror. Apparently something about a lack of evidence or being able to definitively prove she was bumping rails of blow and not, say, powdered sugar. You know how those skinny models love their powdered sugar! [Guardian]
• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams didn't mean to snub Howard Stern at Nobu last week; they were just having "a very deep conversation about something in our personal life," says Ledger. Go ahead and read into that all you want, but they were likely just whining about Brooklyn. [Page Six]
• MSNBC host Keith Olbermann apologizes for telling a viewer to go fuck his mother. That was meant for Rita Cosby. [Lowdown]
• In a remarkable display of maturity, Lindsay Lohan turns down a round of shots, noting that she's underage. She still stayed out until 7 AM — thankfully, there's no age restrictions on marching powder. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• And after all that partying, Lohan still has the energy to be Madonna's new BFF. Though admittedly the starlet's not thrilled about getting Britney Spears' sloppy seconds. [Scoop]
• Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has headed off to rehab. How are these guys even alive enough to be addicts? Were they all given new livers at some point in the mid-90s? [Fox411 (2nd item)]
• First daughter Barbara Bush uses Craigslist for job-hunting. Suddenly, we soften. Just a little. [Page Six]

The Times takes a look at last week's Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt debacle, in which evil, lawless websites like this one posted Hello! magazine's "inexplicably" leaked, multimillion-dollar cover image of the world's most important child. Says People managing editor Larry Hackett:

• We fall to our knees and weep at the first pictures of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, which maybe we saw a little earlier than we were supposed to. But we don't care — her cutey-patootiness shall wait for no lawyer!
• Finally, after interminable months of uncertainty, Conde Nast gives us Porfolio. Lord knows when when we'll actually see it.
• Turns out Page Six editor Richard Johnson's DUI last week wasn't his first.
• The Coop declines to read from his book, opting instead to briefly just talk with smelly people. Afterwards, he retreats to Julio's love nest.
• We marvel at the horror of the Guccione mansion.
• Star magazine cans five employees, including two Fuller veterans.
• Wenner Media readies itself for MTV's cameras, due to start filming on Monday. Assistants begin applying makeup now.
• Krucoff attemps for the world's worst case of indigestion by eating his way around town with David Wain and Ken Marino, who will later dip his balls in it.

• Al Gore and Lindsay Lohan are in a "huge feud." "She knows what she did," says Gore. Wait — is he making a funny? Good for him! [Deadline Hollywood]
• There's a polio outbreak in Namibia, killing 7 adults and paralyzing 33 others — and the Times still manages to raise the Shiloh issue, if only to tell you that they've no idea whether or not she's been vaccinated. [NYT]
• The settlement regarding Shock's stolen cover photo is off; shitstorm to resume Monday. [AdAge]
• For the lazy fatty within us all, a list of restaurants within 200 meters of every single subway stop. [Taste of the NY Subway]
• No plans tonight? Staying home alone? Have some lotion, kleenex, and a good imagination? Then maybe you'll find some use for these not-so-hardcore Heather Mills pictures. [Fleshbot]
• Trolling Craigslist's women seeking men section brings surprisingly aggressive results. [Animal]
• Behind every activist working against "wealthy white masters" is a hefty trustfund, presumably from his wealthy white father. [Daily Politics]
• The Sun needs a new city editor. If you're a right-wing journo with pants hicked up to your ribcage, please contact editor Ira Stoll. [NY Press]

As these things inevitably go, it would seem that the web has gotten its intangible hands on a solid handful of copyrighted images from Brangelina and Shiloh's session at the Sears Portrait Studio. And while we will gladly look at the pictures, coo like idiots, and then link to places where they can be found, we just can't post them. We can and will stand on our fair-use high horse all we want about a thumbnail pic of the Hello! cover (which, per our original offer to Time Inc. counsel Nick Jollypants, we have now changed to the People cover), but we really can't use the same justification for the fuzzy, cloying photos floating around from Hello!. Sorry — but this time, turns out that posting the pics actually is illegal. Or so we're told. Our lawyer could just be drunk and not wanting to deal. Whatever. We're still working through the first round of legal woes from 2 days ago, and we can't even keep track of what we are and aren't allowed to do anymore.

• Britney's manny — revealed! The ginger gentleman is 28-year-old Naval Academy grad Perry Taylor, who's really just one of Britney's bodyguards. Nowadays, that obviously means guarding her baby's body, too. [TMZ]
• As for her hubby, the inimitable K-Fed, he'd really appreciate it if you'd all respect one another on MySpace. [Lowdown (last item)]
• LA has designated some parking spaces for the mentally handicapped, allowing Paris Hilton to park just that much closer to her emergency crotch doctors. [Page Six]
• Brangelina deny any plans to get married, preferring that Shiloh remain a beautiful bastard. [IMDb]
• Larry Flynt is sued for sexual harrassment by a former employee. If you're working for that man, you really should know that "loud, obnoxious, and repeated noises of sexual gratification" just mean that the company's doing well — and who doesn't want a holiday bonus. [R&M]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' prenup will give her $3 million for every year they remain married, up to $33 million. Which is almost enough money to buy back her blackened, captive soul. [Scoop]

Martha Stewart was just on the Today show to educate us all on the art of decorating plant pots; before the arts and crafts, however, Ann Curry couldn't resist showing off her hard-nosed newswench skills. Just as Stewart opened her mouth to begin lecturing on terra cotta, Curry interrupted to ask about the state of the civil suit Stewart is currently facing from the Securities and Exchanges Commission. While Stewart looked none too pleased to have her domestic lesson interrupted, she did indulge: contrary to every published report we've seen, Stewart is not fighting the second round of insider trading charges. "We're close to a happy settlement," she said. How nice to see a negotiation so full of mirth.

You post one little picture of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and, within seconds, the suits start calling. As it turns out, the Hello! cover photo of Shiloh and her sexy baby lips is very much authentic, so much so that Time Inc. lawyers were all up in our grill within an hour of this morning's posting. As we were informed by Time Inc. counsel Nick Jollymore (cute!), by posting the Hello! cover, Gawker was infringing on People's very exclusive, very expensive U.S. rights to the baby pictures. We think it's small enough to fall under fair use, and we'd gladly replace the Hello! cover with a People one featuring the baby, but no dice. And so Time Inc. continues on its counseled quest, creating almost enough fun to distract everyone from their more dismal problems.

· Please don't read anything untoward into the phrase "expand their relationship" or jump to conclusions about what kind of "modestly budgeted films with local talent" that Hugh Jackman and his partner might make. You're better than that, we know you are. [Variety]
· Bacon Plots His Revenge: You either want to read about that, or you don't. [THR]
· An upfront standoff ends as ABC drops its demand that advertisers pay for viewers who watch their shows on DVRs, but the net reserves the right to later extort ad buyers over potential viewers who intend to watch a show but never get around to it. [Variety]
· Cybill Shepherd will dabble in some girl-girl action as a member of the cast of The L Word, playing a married mother who begins to question her sexuality when surrounded by incredibly hot lesbians. [THR]
· THR launches The Hollywood Reporter ESQ, a trade paper for the people in the industry who write the contracts and lovingly sign cease and desist letters. Don't miss the first issue's centerfold spread, featuring entertainment law legend Bert Fields splayed on a bearskin rug before a cozy fire, his natural state covered by nothing but one of his books on Shakespeare. A small book. [THR]

• The National Enquirer finds itself getting sued, yet again — but this time it's not Tom Cruise unleashing the lawyers. It's little Lisa Turtle (aka Lark Voorhies), who is suing for unspecified damages after the rag quoted a source as saying she was bipolar and addicted to cocaine. Honestly, she did look a little tweaked when she and Screech did "the sprain" dance. [TMZ]
• Britney Spears suspects hubby K-Fed may be the source of leaks to the tabloids. He may not be the best husband for her, but Federline sure is loyal to America. [Scoop]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's grandfather, Jon Voight, launches a public campaign to see the new baby. Considering his contact with the press was a major reason behind his estrangement with Angelina Jolie, this strikes one as a not-so-good plan. [Lowdown]
• Three Days of Rain may not have been stellar, but was it really so bad as to kick Julia Roberts down to the new face of Avon? [Page Six]
• Nobody's quite sure whether or not Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant, particularly because she's yet to figure out how to pee on a stick. [R&M]
• Details gives a rundown of the city's most hump-friendly public restrooms; the Plumm, Bungalow 8, and Bar 89 make the list. And yet there's no mention of the bathrooms at the Christopher Street Pier. C'mon, Details. We know you know. [Page Six]

Freelance photojournalist Greg Mathieson has filed suit against American Media Inc., home of Bonnie Fuller and her rag collection, for stealing his photo archive of some 1,400 photos. The archive was contaminated with anthrax through a letter sent to the company's Boca Raton offices in 2001; AMI then filed an insurance claim for "valuable papers" worth $250 million and, alleges Mathieson, included his collection in their lost property. By including his archive in the losses, Mathieson claims that the company falsely claimed ownership over his photos — and that's how we get to the whole "stealing" angle.