The US Federal Appeals Court is doing its part to make sure America doesn't turn into boring, sexting-averse Dubai or some other nation without sexy nude teen girl pix on everyone's cell phone, all the time. Thanks, court pervs!

Strollers are for savages who want to chop their babies' fingers off. Trendy parents today are all about the body-hugging baby slings. Which do something much worse.

Oh neato, the Daily Princetonian has interviewed a bunch of Princeton kids who are going into investment banking. Marvel at the wide variety of lies they tell about their motivations!

Fat American wombs are overstuffed with fat baby eating machines that will soon die! Judo and soda taxes are our only hope. It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—while jogging!

In a new book called "Little Billy's Letters," Bill Geerhart poses as a little damn kid to write prank letters to famous people and institutions, for kicks. And whattaya know: one of his targets was the Church of Scientology.

Sure, we tried to protect the children by overlooking the teacher pep rally lap dance scandal that is rocking Winnipeg like a Red River tidal wave. But now a second comical teacher booty grind video has surfaced and, okay, here:

If you aren't already familiar with it, ChatRoulette's the hot new form of extreme internet voyeurism (and insanity). Essentially, it's video-chatting with total strangers, and flying through them with a "next" button. And now, its creator's been revealed...

Have you heard about this kid, James O'Keefe? Grandiosely playing journalist and getting arrested in the classic Watergate fashion—why, his hilariously mis-channeled post-college angst is enough to make you write a How-To list mocking his whole godforsaken age demographic!

NY youth prisons can no longer *routinely* shackle child prisoners all day, for safety. LIBERALS.

The Way We Live Now: Self-pityingly. College freshmen are the recession's littlest victims. China is a bully. Our house is cold. And trying to make it in New York is worse than the Holocaust.

The youth of today: what the hell are they doing all the time? Nothing good, that's for sure.

Today in dubious "quotes": the New York Daily News quotes a "friend" of Alex Paterson, the New York governor's son who was recently detained by the police for playing a dice game and possessing a missing debit card:

Observe young Taylor Pugh: a four-year-old rapscallion unwilling to trim his wild mane for the sake of classroom safety. The school board of Mesquite, Texas has voted to ban longhairs like Taylor from pre-K. Taylor Pugh: boy. Hair. Threat. [NYT]

"Why have kids?" So asks Motherlode blog reader "Bailey," in a heartfelt effort to get to the bottom of the mystery of human reproductive urges. She came to the right place; if anyone can solve philosophical conundrums, it's internet commenters.

Researchers have discovered that teenagers have very acute perceptions of risk. Other researchers have discovered that retail employees are incredibly successful thieves. These researchers should talk to each other!

Only when you see the list of most popular baby names do you realize that America is not just a bunch of chik'n-consuming Wal-Mart zombies, but rather one big elegant catalogue of Victorian Body Shop models.

What about the children? A cursory examination of the "news" reveals the chilling truth which we have all dreaded for so long: There is no hope for you, kids. Just do what you want.

In the same way in which 98% of Americans ply their "Modern Warfare" online rather than joining the Army, we also refuse to work out without the warm, glowing distraction of a video game.

The Way We Live Now: Old, broke, uneducated, and wishing we were in China. They have it good, over there. The Chinese. Arrrrgh.

Remember those strollers that kept slicing off the fingers of children? Well now the manufacturer, Maclaren, is being sued over claims it knew its products were evil digit-guillotines but failed to stop the carnage. [BBC]