Fat American wombs are overstuffed with fat baby eating machines that will soon die! Judo and soda taxes are our only hope. It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—while jogging!

  • "Obesity risks start before birth." Well fucking shit hell. Experts say "intervention" should start, like, before your baby has even munched its first Cheeto (day three of life). Your baby will be fat for life, sorry suckas.
  • And do you know what happens when your child is fat? They are pretty much screwed forever. Won't do much for their sex lives either, to be honest.
  • We need a soda tax, so your poor fat baby won't be able to afford to guzzle so much g-d soda, which is not even healthy.
  • You also need to put your fat fetus in a judo class, because—as doctors always say—rapid weight loss among judo competitors is only a concern if that judo competitor is not a big fat baby who could stand to lose some weight, already.

Plus, it's almost baseball season, kids. Shape up for your baseball heroes! [Pic via]