The 16-year-old almost lost at sea is speaking out: "I think that a lot of people are judging me by the standards they have for their teens...and thinking 'she's exactly like them.' They don't understand." Spoken like a typical teen.

Rescued teen sailor Abby Sunderland wrote on her blog that she'll make another attempt at circumnavigating the globe, and she hit back at her critics: "As for age, since when does age create gigantic waves and storms?" [Abby's Blog]

Investigative reporters earlier this week firmly established the desire of today's high school kids to tap that. Could anyone object to this most basic expression of love, jealousy, and horniness? Sexpert Andrea Peyser will try to pretend she does.

In the futuristic year of Twenty Aught Ten, what is it that high school students want? Haunting new evidence confirms: they want to tap that.

In a magical neighborhood called Williamsburg, old meets new, religious meets artistic, cultures combine to create a wondrous...ehhh. Old Italians and young Fauxhemians behaving stereotypically, dig it!

Dogs and babies are the only creatures that vomit more than college freshmen do. Allowing dogs in dorms, then, is dangerous, but it's happening anyway. Come, witness a terrible world where week-old pizza in the common room contains dog turds.

Oh, gross. Students at a Pennsylvania high school are pioneering a new dance move called "the amoeba" which involves all the kids gathering in a cluster and... it involves "bodily fluids". These kids and their MTV/hardcore pornography!

James O'Keefe, famed young fake ACORN pimp and Breitbart employee, has been found guilty of a misdemeanor for tampering with Sen. Mary Landrieu's office phones, in a "caper." Thunderous self-righteous Breitbart Twitter explosion...already here. [WP]

Hero restaurateur speaks out against kiddie menus.

A new study says that urban kids (homicide) and rural kids (suicide, accidents) are equally likely to die from guns. Good? Another study says that a mere 7.7 million children under five will die this year. Yay? [WP, NYT]

Last month we introduced you to The (Potential) Intern From Hell, a young gent with some very tough words for a company at which he applied to intern. Well, he saw the piece on Gawker. And was not amused.

You know the thing where parents force their kid to smoke a cigarette, to teach them that smoking's nasty? You get arrested for that now. Although to be fair, five is maybe too young. Also the mom had weed. [AP]

You're well aware that your child is already using his or her cell phone for healthy amounts of sexting. But did you know that texting can also make your teen into a milquetoast big baby mother's darling?

What the hell...the U.S. government—which depends on consumer tax revenue—has started a new program to "educate" kids on how advertising works. Outlandish! Oh, wait—by "educate," they mean "indoctrinate, as enthusiastic consumers." Please continue!

New York Post sex master Andrea Peyser found this new movie Kick Ass to be "intoxicatingly entertaining, wildly inappropriate, and alarmingly sexual." Use your Media Decoder Ring to read her true opinion: "intoxicatingly...sexual." Andrea's friends agree!

We bring you the following story as a public service—for journalists, college students, and everyone else. Take the experience of Tim Chapman, former editor of James Madison University's student newspaper, as a lesson: Cops are not your drinking buddies.

Eighteen year-old Kayla Gerdes, high on Oxycontin and driving a van, struck and killed a 69 year-old retired doctor on Long Island Tuesday. That's bad enough. Kayla, however, made it worse, by saying the very worst possible things.

The Way We Live Now: Putting our foot down. You know we love you, kids. But you're going to have to get the fuck out, because we can't afford you. You're 35. You'll make it out there. (Not really).

Don't worry: Recession or not, insane Super Sweet 16 parties aren't going anywhere. Whew.

Okay. Yes. We said we were going to ban the god damn word "hipster," but we have lapsed. Mea culpa, and shit. The real problem is that there's not a pithy replacement word. That's where you come in.