Students at Russellville Middle School in Arkansas hilariously included a list of the "Top 5 worst people of all time" in their yearbook, and the school is getting in some trouble thanks to the fourth and fifth ranked recipients of this historic award.

Samurai workout! Kids sleeping! Plastic man-surgery! Lap teen-bands! Abortion fluctuations! Smallpox preservation! New aspirin! Disabled children! And the best sunscreens, revealed! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Remember Lena Chen? She was big on the internet a few years back for being a compulsively oversharing sex blogger while she attended Harvard. Anyhow, she graduated, and stopped sex blogging, and we forgot about her. Now she's back! And we're going to use her story as a peg for some completely unsolicited advice-giving.

Kids these days: they don't know how to do school right. They spend two god damn years working on their college admission essays! Then they take some stupid major that will never get them a job! Then they all take five years to finish their four-year degrees! Then they graduate and they're too lazy to work! Not that there are any jobs for them, anyhow. Still, they're way too optimistic about their chances. I knew we should have punished the parents for their kids being so stupid when we had the chance!

So, you're a "good parent" who allows your child to "go to the library" to "learn," eh? Yeah, learn about sexxx. Why do you want your underage child viewing Hot Naked Sluts, in public?

Often, kids these days are pessimistic; they don't think they have the power to change anything. But one plucky group of teens is standing up for themselves, by suing the U.S. government for not protecting the earth. Whoa, citizens!

Hope Brodie, 26, spent last Sunday cooking up a batch of PCP in a noodle pot in her New Haven, Connecticut apartment. She didn't bother to wash the pot very well. The next day, a relative used that same pot to cook a batch of noodles. These noodles were fed to Hope Brodie's five year-old daughter. Whoops.

Here's a good way to make those of you who aren't very old feel extremely old: The kids these days — many of the same ones who love torture and will never be happy — took the occasion of Osama bin Laden's death to figure out who the hell he was in the first place. Was he important? Why is his death such a "thing"?

The first televised images many Americans saw when hearing the news about Osama bin Laden's death was a horde of preppies from George Washington University climbing trees and screaming arena chants most frequently heard at professional hockey games and roaring elatedly about death and blood. Sure, it was substantial news! But when you see that "Jack Bauer" is a Twitter trending topic at the same time... maybe the generation raised over the last decade has a little more thirst for the ol' ultra-violence?

Kids these days just don't have the good attitude they used to. I believe the relentless diet of drugs, junk food, and pornography is really getting to them.

Of all the issues facing the naturist community, probably one of the biggest is they're all old and wrinkly now. The WSJ reports that the "nudist resort industry" is desperately seeking younger clientele. We need young naked bodies, at once!

Law school is a huge ripoff—a catch-all haven for slackers and the existentially aimless, where you'll go into a huge amount of debt in order to surround yourself with beer pong-players and cute little dogs, and emerge unemployable, with nothing to do with your worthless new skills except sue to try to get your law school tuition back. Now, we can add to that list: they'll bait-and-switch your ass out of scholarship money, on purpose!

Despite the food industry's previously stated commitment to developing healthier Pop Tarts, government bureaucrats have decided to infringe the fundamental right of good American food-sellers to market corn syrup-soaked processed corn nuggets to children, using fun cartoon characters.

I am old, crotchety, and weary of the complexities of modern life. So I am not a trustworthy judge of kids these days. But when one of the best-selling bands in America is just the imaginary band starring in a Disney made-for-TV movie...that's messed up, right?

It's prom season! That means it's time for news stories fretting over how wasted kids will get on prom night, before getting behind the wheel of a car, to wreck it, while being fellated, by your daughter, who was drunk.

Moms: have you "picked a date" to sit down with your eight year-old daughter and discuss menstruation? What are you waiting for? "A study published in Pediatrics last year found that in the United States, 15 percent of American girls begin puberty by age 7." The Kotex corporation "has you covered," ha. Andrew Adam Newman reports:

Decency and good taste have returned to the Philippines today, now that the McDonald's Burger-n-Child Porn empire has heeded widespread calls to pull this raunchy commercial from TV in the archipelago. Catholic leaders were outraged at its wanton depiction of prepubescent sexuality:

Chocolate milk! Going inside of your child's body, and doing who knows what to Aedynn's delicate little organs! In our nation's capital, the number one education is this: How chocolatey is too chocolatey?

Estrogen risks! Sheep death! Synthetic drugs! Teen drugs! Teen sex! Facebook kidney! Berry cancer! Neck shocker! And your baby has an oddly-shaped head! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—head-scratchingly!

The trend of fashionable young Brooklynites either A) leaving Brooklyn to go work/ live on/ start a farm or B) participating in unlikely farming-related activities right here in the city (including, but not limited to: keeping of livestock, harvesting of chicken products, planting of gardens, or sociopathic devotion to neighborhood farmer's markets and their accoutrements) is so old, in trend years, that it's already been dissected from every possible angle by the New York Times, which is, itself, always several light years behind, in trend years. The trend has now moved to a post-trend media outlet unconcerned with being judged by those who define themselves by their participation in trends: the New York Post.