According to a transparent and successful piece of marketing linkbait bullshit survey, a full quarter of college students would give up sex in order to, let's see, [fill in the blank.]

Police in Bridgeport, Connecticut have arrested 29-year-old Juliette Dunn after she was seen making her 4-year-old son chug a 40-ounce of Steel Reserve at a playground. Witnesses said that she called her son an alcoholic afterward. Oh, and her 10-month-old baby girl tested positive for cocaine.

If we didn't have statistical research on educational techniques, we'd never make breakthroughs like "Maybe we should stop beating children." And if we didn't have the state of Texas, we'd never have angry internet commenters passionately arguing that their state is about much more than dying while raping elderly women. Put these two dynamics together, and what do you get? A new report on how maybe Texas' "expel everyone" discipline plan should be re-examined.

Rich Hil, the tatted-up 21 year-old son of Tommy Hilfiger, just got himself a record deal with Warner Brothers. (You can celebrate the moment with him in this video.) While Hil is, at least, more talented than Chet Haze, the rise of two celebrity scions into hip hop prominence at once makes me fear the very worst.

Last November we introduced you to Kelli Space, a 23 year-old who graduated from Northeastern University in 2009 with an undergraduate sociology degree and $200,000 in student debt.

Does this nation, despite its obvious drawbacks, seem a bit more peaceful these days? That's because we have fewer kids around than ever before. Congratulations! You're all doing the right things, reproduction-wise.

The top 684,392 advertisements of the past year have now been honored with "Cannes Lions" awards. We've already shown you one of this year's winners in the "pedophile" category; but edgy ad guru Copyranter argues that the ad above (click to enlarge), out of Poland—in which an ad agency placed cards touting a "child safety foundation" inside children's underwear on sale at a kids' clothing store—is the single most disturbing Cannes Lion 2011 winner.

Brooks Brothers does not make the type of "College apparel" worn by Southeastern Conference country animals on "game day" that serves as little more than a bib for copious amounts of spilled beer and barbecue sauce. That is not what Brooks Brothers does. Brooks Brothers makes dignified casual apparel for American winners.

Chet Haze, Northwestern University's best and worst rapping son of Tom Hanks, had only performed on campus—until last weekend, when he ventured out to Enclave, a club in Chicago where joke rappers play, for his first real world concert.

Katie Roiphe, one of the leading sex-opinion-havers of American letters, is the upper crust version of crazy cat woman Andrea Peyser. While Andrea only broadcasts her psychologically-fraught Victorian sexual shame to tabloid readers, Katie Roiphe gets to publish hers in all the favorite news outlets of East Coast Ivy Leaguers. She calls male novelists fey pussies in the NYT Book Review! She told women how to do divorce right in the pages of New York magazine! She pooh-poohed the notion of date rape all over the place! And now, she's taken to Slate—the Gawker of bored academics—to reveal how jokey children's book "Go The Fuck to Sleep" reveals that "yuppie" parents (unlike Katie Roiphe) are doing sex wrong.

A 19-year-old kid from Hawaii, Cameron Cayaban, was fined $100 yesterday after pleading guilty to "harassing, harming or pursuing an endangered species" in March, when he slapped an endangered monk seal named Kermit. What an asshole. From the Honolulu Star-Advertiser:

A 7-year-old kid in Michigan stole his stepfather's Pontiac Sunfire and drove more than 20 miles at speeds above 50 miles an hour. When police finally stopped him, he was wearing his pajamas and crying that he wanted to go visit his father. Aw, it's almost cute!

Thomas Dunikowski of Marine Park, Brooklyn, has become a folk hero of sorts among the "I really loved that movie Falling Down" demographic for leaning out of his window with a rifle and opening fire on a group of rowdy teenagers who were raising a ruckus outside his house. (See "purported" video of the shooting here.) Completely unnecessary! It is, in fact, possible to deal with the depths of teen awfulness without resorting to gunshots.

Is Catholic-filled Catholic University a "den of sin," infested with more STDs than your average koala bear? One can scarcely draw any other conclusion, based on the fact that the school's president now believes he must forcefully segregate students of opposite genders from one another, lest all this hot, hot sexxx continue unabated.

Schools these days: what are they even doing? It used to be that the American school system was little more than a warehouse where we shoved our youngest and therefore most criminal citizens until they reached the age of 18, at which time we sent the cockiest of them off to college to be enslaved by debt for the rest of their lives, and sent the rest off to menial jobs, where they'd keep our capitalist system running with their very souls for very little reward, and be tricked into voting Republican, while doing so.

Sure, bleeding heart PC types killed a bill earlier this year that would have allowed guns on college campuses in Texas. Consolation prize: Texas is "close to enacting" a new bill that will give school teachers detailed criminal histories of all their students. Because you never know when the next six-year-old will shoot up the school, or which kid's birthday party is actually cover for a cockfighting ring. Down in Texas, the legislators are armed, the merest whiff of lawbreaking gets you jailed, and prisoners get put down like dogs. You never know when one of these public school kids might get brainwashed by a Muslim textbook and start some serious jee-had. If our teachers can't have guns, well, at least we can "arm" them with the precise knowledge of just how evil these felons-to-be lurking in their classroom are. And also, maybe arm them with a knife?

Park Slope parents, your salvation is cometh! You've probably been wondering to yourself, "How are we going to pay for little Maxim's $800 per hour private school tutors in a few years, what with this massive house payment on our Park Slope co-op?" Not to fear! McSweeney's is now accepting your children, for indoctrination!

Ah, the luxuries of life in a world with more media outlets than ever. A world where any ambitious young aspiring journalist can... move to New York, and work for a blog. Hmm.

In the olden days, your parents used to smoke weed that was not chemically distinguishable from banana peels, which gave them a "hippy dippy" feeling, the most dangerous side effect of which was an affinity for neo-folk tunes. Today, you kids smoke chronic and shoot each other, or at least make up "freestyle raps" about same.

Everything college kids these days do is wrong. They think wrong, they fucksaw wrong, and they take everything for granted. Thank god colleges are finally taking that in loco parentis crap seriously.