Judge Orders Britney Spears To Get Drug Testing, Parenting Lessons
Faced with the Solomonic dilemma of deciding whether to award custody of steadily working celebrity-weekly cover models Sean Preston and Other One Federline to a former pop star mother prone to vagina-flashing, poorly lip-synced breaks with reality or to to the background-dancing father who impregnated his way to parasitic fame and fortune, a judge ruled on Monday to allow Britney Spears and her ex-husband to continue their joint-neglect arrangement, but did institute a number of court-mandated guidelines the parents need to follow if they hope to keep the state of California from impounding the adorable tykes. But wisely realizing that Spears might need extra help in getting her parenting skills up to an acceptable level, the judge added some supplemental Britney Rules to his decree, as reported by UsMagazine.com's blogspot:
· Attend individual counseling at least once a week to address parenting issues.
· Meet with a parenting coach for a minimum of 8 hours a week, in at least two sessions a week. The coach is to observe her parenting skills and her interaction with her sons and provide Federline with a written progress report by October 22
· And, "based on the evidence presented, the Court finds that there is a habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances by Petitioner [Spears]," will have to undergo testing for controlled substances and alcohol. The testing shall be conducted twice per week on random dates and times, and the results will be forwarded to the court
While the random drug testing should certainly contribute to a more stable environment for the children, it's really the court-mandated parenting lessons that should most radically impact the quality of care they receive when under their mother's supervision. In their first session alone, the coach should be able to teach Spears a more effective infant smile-whitening technique than the one she'd been using, teaching her to replace the inefficient combination of rollers and cans of paint she devised on her own with a more traditional pairing of toothbrushes and flouride-enriched paste.