According to reports in everyone's favorite trusted supermarket tabloid, Britney Spears is allegedly deep in planning mode for Comeback #487. Sources tell the National Enquirer that Spears is shelling out up to $10 million on what sounds like a very tasteful, classy-by-way-of-Louisiana string of song-and-dance shows at The Palms, one of K. Fed's favorite places to sink into debt play the big baller. Where Spears is coming up with all this cash, considering most of her dough is currently going towards her father's daily rate for babysitting, is still a mystery. But based on the description of her latest plan to "jump-start her career," we're not so sure these shows will do much aside from force us to remember Britney Spears Comebacks number 1 through 486:

Most sex tape rumors involving Britney Spears are either too good to be true (Colin Farrell!) or too gross to convince us to want to see them at all (K. Fed). But the latest story from the tabloids is filled with details so plausible (especially considering the then-manic Package's mental state) that we're not so sure it's just another fairy tale. As the National Enquirer is reporting (again, don't judge a supermarket tab's creds by its cheap cover):

When it comes to celebrity couples making out in public, you'd think all those beautiful people would know how to make a kiss look hot. They manage to do it on-screen with complete strangers, and frankly, a large part of their job is to hook up take after take and make it still look steamy and unrehearsed, right? But as our slideshow-happy friends at Us have shown us, stars are seriously lacking in the hot and heavy PDA department. While some couples (Drew Barrymore and Justin Long) are downright sweet, and some are disturbingly turning us on at such an early hour (Enrique and Anna Kournikova, natch), we'd like to officially ban any future photos of a select few couples getting down and dirty ever again. The good, the bad, and the nauseating, after the jump:

Just as the Britney Spears Comeback Tour was picking up fuel with that promising role on HIMYM and a temporary absence from the tabloids, it appears that Spears may be regressing. The National Enquirer is reporting that Britney and her recently reunited manager Larry Rudolph are shopping around a reality show that would look, talk and walk far different from Chaotic: no K. Fed, two babies to feed, and no one to drug her and prompt intelligent conversation:

As Dolly Parton famously said, "it takes a lot of money to look this cheap." But after learning what Kevin Federline spent most of his money on last year, that catchphrase now has an even more deserving owner. As Us reports, credit card bills recently released by an LA court reveal what K. Fed spends a good chunk of those Britney-given child support payments on: strippers, Las Vegas hotel rooms and plenty of bottle service at flashy nightclubs. The silver lining? When the strippers do their job well, Federline is a generous tipper:

• How high do you have to be to name a grade of medical marijuana after lawsuit-happy Scientologist Tom Cruise? [Daily News]

· We take three things from this video: One, Haitian Weather Guy is about the lowest-stress vocation on the planet. Two, some videos really do improve upon subsequent viewings. And three, if there's a Meaning of Life, Arthur knows it. [YouTube]
· K-Fed's loving father, forgiving ex, and capable role-model game is ridiculous. [In Touch]
· Tonight, two of our very favorite animated things—South Park and Canadian sci-fi fleshcore classic Heavy Metal—are to be combined into one, brainmeltingly awesome new thing. (One can only hope.) [Vulture]
· Cajun chef Paul Prudhomme was grazed by a bullet on a Louisiana golf course today, upon which he instantly started hemorrhaging gravy. [USA Today]
· The only bad thing about the gigantic piano house is the 40-foot-tall Liberace who tramples the village to come play it every full moon. [Weird Asia News via Thighmaster]

Break out your varsity jackets and teasing combs, because Beverly Hills: 90210 is getting a B12 shot in the ass. As THR reports this morning, the beloved fictional halls of West Beverly will be refurbished and re-populated with a brand new spinoff on the CW. Though a pilot has yet to be written by Veronica Mars producer Rob Thomas, and the tweeny network has yet to sign any papers, we'd like to prevent Aaron Spelling from rolling over in his grave by offering our own suggestions for who should play the new versions of Brenda, Brandon and their rotating group of bed buddies. Although we kinda doubt a marching band dusted with school spirit could help our Donna Martin graduate...

Whooop! Whooop! Sound the denial alarm! A spokesperson for Kevin Federline (who sounds suspiciously like K-Fed talking with a ladylike British accent) told Extra that the rumors about the former couchhusband starring in Legally Blonde: The Musical on Broadway are "not true." Face it, UsMagazine.com: You've been pap'd. We smell Kutcher-stink all over this. Or, alternately, that the producers of Legally Blonde: The Musical decided they couldn't accommodate Federline's request that he rap the lyrics to all his numbers. [ExtraTV.com]

As his far more successful ex-wife continues her seemingly infinite spiral towards a state of ubiquitous oblivion, Kevin Federline has continued to defy all odds and expectations (of which there were none), and secure himself steady—and even prestigious—showbiz employment. To wit: An UsMagazine.com report claims producers of Legally Blonde: The Musical (which we watched in its entirety on MTV over Thanksgiving break—an activity only slightly gayer than gathering around a baby grand with some of your closest, rainbow-bethonged friends for a Sondheim singalong) are circling around America's Formerly Most-Hated Pimp to possibly star in the production:

After hearing last week that Britney Spears decided to give Sean Preston and The Other One haircuts on a rare visit with them, we worried the next pap shots of the doomed little pair would involve razors, tears, and bald babies bearing umbrellas. Fortunately, our worst fears weren't realized; The Package managed to gift the two with perfectly acceptable 'dos. But the most recent gift from Momma isn't quite as sweet. According to PageSix.com, the boys are so "confused" when they see their mother these days, that SP is having nightmares regularly, and even needs to hop into bed with huggy bear (now perfectly cushion-sized!) Kevin Federline. What is Britney doing that's so frightening? Apparently she sings them lullabies. We'd hop into our parents' bed too, no matter how long the plane ride, if we heard Mommy singing us "I'm A Slave 4 U" while drifting off to Never-Never-Land. [PageSix.com]

For the first time in recorded history, we actually felt sorry for poor chubster Kevin Federline yesterday. After all, as those golfing pictures revealed, that he's now sporting a Buddha big enough to hamper his golf swing. But apparently the slideshow-happy folks at Us Weekly didn't share our sympathies; in the wake of the revelation of Fat K-Fed, they've posted a slideshow featuring other formerly thin celebs who've gone from "hunk to chunk" in recent years. But being the stubborn argumentative types that we are, we're going to have to disagree with their take on all of these pound-packers' alleged downfalls. Sure, Clay Aiken's no prize these days (was he ever?), and Alec Baldwin certainly looked sexier in Glengarry Glen Ross than he currently does on 30 Rock, but a few members of Us' Fatso Club actually look far hotter with some extra meat on their bones. Our rebuttals, with pictorial evidence, after the jump.

Having fallen victim to an extremely common pitfall for any parent locked in a protracted, anxiety-inducing divorce, closet stress-eater Kevin Federline was captured recently on a local fairway sporting a hefty paunch and a sprouting set of cankles. The implications, of course, are staggering, as the former couchhusband and background krumper will soon find that his newly zaftig frame will overwhelm his garment of choice, leaving this wife-beater-enthusiast with an enormous, virtually useless pile of skewed cotton tank tops. (That is, until a lightbulb moment lands them on eBay, billed as an exciting new line of slightly used K-Fed maternity wear.)

• Britney Spears' stupid dad took away her stupid booze and set her bedtime at stupid 11 o'clock, but he can't make her keep on her underwear, ha ha! Despite having a Vagina Of Freedom, Spears doesn't get to see her sons, even though K-Fed thinks the toddlers would be a more mature influence on the troubled singer than alleged grown men Sam Lufti and Adnan Ghalib.

Why would Marc Jacobs personally invite K. Fed to his impossible-to-get-into show tomorrow night? Because he's the cleverest fame-whore of them all, that's why! With Britney making more headlines than ever but, um, unavailable for public appearances at the moment, Marc knows something the other designers don't: the sheer presence of Kevin Federline will catapault his name into the headlines during what has been an unusually slow Fashion Week. The kicker? The appearance happens on the same day as, you guessed it, Britney 's bombshell profile in Rolling Stone hits newsstands!

At this very moment, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline (and Steve Carell, but let's not needlessly complicate things) are back at the L.A. County Courthouse for yet another custody hearing to determine what contingencies are to be placed on access to her own children. (You'll recall visitation rights were revoked following her recent Van Halen 5150-hold hospitalization incident.) Wait! A shocking development has played out in the time it took to type that last sentence:

Here's a riveting turn of events in the ongoing Spears-Federline custody saga that's all but certain to push the name Jamie Lynn to the tabloid sidelines for a minimum of two publishing cycles: The "Gimme More" singer's stubborn refusal to hand over her two children to K-Fed's custody led to a four-hour police showdown at her home tonight, requiring the presence of several squad cars, firetrucks, a helicopter and an ambulance—the last of which carted her off on a gurney to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. (Footage courtesy of myfoxla.com, accompanied by running commentary from a cameraman whose gripes of having to "follow this frickin' thing to the hospital" suggest he may not have been entirely aware his audio was being broadcast throughout the internets.)

Truth be told, we're a little unclear on the details of the arrangements the court has established for the care of Sean Preston and Other One Spears-Federline during their parents' ongoing custody dispute; as far as we can tell, they're primarily under K-Fed's care, with Spears' visitation rights now temporarily curtailed to a single, heavily supervised visit a week, in which the children and their favorite toys are placed inside a protective plastic bubble while a court-ordered monitor observes every interaction between troubled mother and offspring through that impermeable membrane. Whatever the specifics, today brings news that Spears' parenting time could soon take another hit pending an investigation into "multiple child abuse and neglect" allegations by the L.A. County Department Of Broken Pop Star/Background Dancer Family Services:

Music producer/aspiring Britney Spears babydaddy J.R. Rotem is learning an important lesson about how technology is changing the world of tabloid gossip, courtesy of his once-close friends at InTouch.