She's done reality TV and (horrifyingly) interviewed her own daughter on the red carpet, and now Dina Lohan, mother of Lindsay and presumably other children, has an exciting new job opportunity: creepy Long Island transient.

Sometimes you just want to be left alone. Michael Phelps reportedly tried to pay to make pictures of his bong hits go away; John Mayer wants a lower profile than Jennifer Aniston offers.

The War of the Roses continues, with pop sanger Britney Spears asking her two sons, Harmony Korine and Palookaville, to file weekly spy reports about her ex, Ferret Chancellor Kevin Federline.

• Is Jennifer Lopez getting ready to say goodbye to Marc Anthony? She neglected to wear her wedding ring to a premiere last week, which obviously means her marriage is now "at a breaking point." [Us, The Sun]
• Jeremy Piven is heading home. Just two months after arriving on Broadway (and after showing up late to performances and skipping matinees), he says he now plans to return to LA because he's suffering from some sort of "mysterious mercury ailment." [NYP]
• Good news for anyone going to the inauguration: Alec Baldwin says he plans to stay home and watch it on TV. [MSNBC]

• First Britney Spears' guests whispered behind her back about how she looked "vacant" and "out of it" at her big birthday party. Then the singer's ex Kevin Federline told People that Spears' craziness had him "concerned with my children," whose well-being he felt compelled to fight for via custody battle when Spears "went behind my back" and filed for divorce, leaving him "completely blindsided." Finally, her first husband was thrown in jail.

After weeks of doling out clips to a Cheeto-starved global audience, MTV finally aired the paparazzi cautionary tale entitled Britney: For the Record last night. "No topic was off limits," boasted the introductory crawl. "No question went unanswered." And no follow-up question went asked! Thus, we left the special with almost as many concerns as we had going in, including:

Yes, that's Britney Spears on the cover of Rolling Stone, with the least exposed flesh she's ever shown on the cover of that magazine. Her interview inside is similarly unrevealing, mostly recounting Britney's dating travails (of one beau, Britney said she was "trying to ask him questions, like, 'OK, you're into martial arts, so what kind of martial arts are you into?' And he was like, 'Oh, all kinds'"), though she does take the time to tweak Kevin Federline's skills as a father. It may not surprise you, reader, to learn that K-Fed's kick game is far superior to his parenting:

♦ Alex Rodriguez won't be eating turkey with his tots. His estranged wife Cynthia says her "6-foot-3, 220-pound soul-less, soon-to-be ex-husband is abandoning his kids on Thanksgiving to be with Madonna." [P6]
♦ Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital after yet another "reaction to a medication." [NYDN]
♦ Ann Coulter broke her jaw. And now her mouth has been wired shut! [P6]
♦ Kate Moss was spotted leaving a party with "some mysterious scratches on her cheek." [Daily Mail]
♦ Fashion designer Stacey Bendet and her husband, the son of former Disney CEO Michael Eisner, had a baby. [P6]

Now that a sober, nicely-weaved Britney Spears has had time to peruse her own Wikipedia entry, she's finally coming to grips with the things she barely remembers doing in a misty haze of Red Bull, Benzos, and Hot Pocket chicken fajitas. "What the hell was I thinking?" she once asked, and now, in a new clip from Britney: For the Record, she applies that question to her short-lived marriage to Kevin Federline. Sadly, in news that will surely dash hopes of a reconciliation, she admits that both Federline and his kick game were ridiculous. "I think I married for all the wrong reasons," she says. "I just did it because...for just, like, the idea of everything." Let this be a lesson: even though the fantasy of two souls exchanging vows in customized Juicy Couture "pimp" sweatpants is compelling, it's no reason to be hasty. Clip after the jump!

It's rare that a stage-managed pop star can break free of her chains, but all of America bore witness to a time in Britney Spears's life when a gum-smacking "Y'all!" became a Klonopin-chomping "Y'allllllll." Now, Spears appears to be back on the wagon and of sound mind, body, and hair, but she confesses in the new documentary Britney: For the Record that she almost prefers the bald ol' days:

And by “hit,” we mean go to “couples counseling with.” You heard right: hot on the heels of Britney’s triumphant/manufactured MTV comeback, the National Enquirer is reporting that she and K-Fed are “undergoing couples counseling to rebuild their relationship in the hopes that they can raise their two sons as a family.” What’s more, “part of their therapy involves going on formal dates and Britney is so excited. She’s never stopped loving Kevin or hoping they’d get back together.” While we appreciate any occasion for K-Fed to wear his "fancy" trucker hat, and further, are pleased for young Sean Preston and Jayden James, we still think getting back together might be a mistake.Remember several years ago when Britney was fairly normal and we were all horrified that she hooked up with a total douche like K-Fed? Well, Britney is the most normal she’s been since then—she’s in good shape, she’s hard at work on a new album, she’s kind of got an acting thing kinda going—and getting back with Federline could derail all that. In fact, it could be argued that her relationship with K-Fed is what sent her into a downward spiral in the first place, so we just hope this therapist knows what he’s doing. In the meantime, we’re gonna hold out hope for Justin Timberlake to dump Jessica Biel, kick K-Fed’s ass to the curb, and get back with Britney so they can regain their crown as the king and queen of uptempo-R&B-flavored teen dance pop. Thank you. [Photo Credit: Getty Images]

What? Two PrivacyWatches in one week? That's your reward — all of our reward, really — for all of your attentive spying, neck-craning and blabber-mouthiness in recent days. And while we regret we have no epic Kim Kardashian traffic mishaps to report (and eventually debate), we can vouch for primo sightings of a single Ryan Gosling, the renowned pool shark Kevin Federline and a symbolic meeting of A-list and Z-list at one of the city's most glamorous steakeries. Remember, Hollywood PrivacyWatch is brought to us by the letter U, so put "Sightings" in your subject lines and keep those tips coming. The latest installment also includes Kate Winslet, Denzel Washington, Shenae Grimes, James Cromwell, Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, Whitney Port, Anton Yelchin, T.R. Knight and more.WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17 I spotted RYAN GOSLING at the Hotel Cafe last week catching a show by singer AUDRA MAE. He was with a bunch of scruffy dudes - sans Rachel McAdams! Ladies, there may still be hope for us all. He looked super thin and was rocking some stubble. Stayed and hung out after the show until some drunk chick vomited all over the bar, at which point he promptly beelined for the door. THURSDAY, SEPT. 18 Just returned from the new Big Wang's in West Hollywood where KEVIN FEDERLINE was holding court around the pool table. The group that he was with was way too exited to be in a NoHo bar with KFed. Lots of hooting and cheering every time he made a shot. FRIDAY, SEPT. 19 Saw super talented and delicious HGTV's Next Design Star runner-up MATT LOCKE at the Sound of Music sing-along. Insert joke about hammering hard wood here. Snicker snicker. I'm walking up Flower street in Downtown LA around noon today walking towards The Standard when all of a sudden TIM GUNN walks out. He looks great, if not incognito. In hindsight I should have asked him to say "holla at ya boy." Right now. A very blond KATE WINSLET in first-class on AA 180 from LAX to JFK. SATURDAY, SEPT. 20 I spotted the USS Enterprise crew member ANTON YELCHIN in Van Nuys on Saturday night at a party at Beer City Studios. He was supporting a friend's band on harmonica and guitar. Much later in the evening, he serenaded the remaining party goers with an 8-minute, improvisational story song about his experience with a "MILF." Also spotted at the party that night was SAM GOLZARI from American Dreamz and 21. He was playing with his band at the party and, needless to say, we were all "Omerized." While eating excellent pizza at Tomato Pie on Melrose, SHENAE GRIMES from 90210 walked past me twice. Petite, cute and NOT ANOREXIC!!!! no matter what the tabloids or the L.A. Times claim. Five minutes later, same place, spotted JAMES CROMWELL with his wife/girlfriend and an unexpected big smile on his face. The MTV Awards may be just a memory now, but on Saturday I actually saw JESSE CAMP, live and in person outside of Cheetah’s. He was accompanied by his wife, and looks pretty much exactly the same as when he won that contest years ago. SUNDAY, SEPT. 21 On Griffith Park Blvd. at the intersection with Los Feliz Blvd. Was waiting for the traffic lights to change, and just glanced in the rear view to check my hotness, and who do I see pulled up to my bumper, baby? None other than delish-o-gay, T.R. KNIGHT. Was at the wheel of his champagne, metallic SUV (not too big). I knew he lived nearby and it was only a matter of time... Was using his cellphone as he drove. Bad man. Needs bottom spanked. Matter of time... At the Aero Theater for a sneak peek of Choke - LAURA INNES (redhead doc from ER) sat just across the aisle from me — she laughed in all good spots, stayed for the Q&A with director CLARK GREGG, looked nice and normal and had no attitude (unlike some other people who flipped their lids over the no-camera rule); also JON FAVREAU was there to support Gregg — someone asked a question about Iron Man 2 and they had a laugh, Favs hung out for a bit and talked to all sorts of fans who were surprised to see him, another no-attitude celeb. MONDAY, SEPT. 22 At BLT Steak: WHITNEY PORT and five others sat at the table next to us, which was fine, she's pretty and all and her manager or whatever wasn't too annoying. But, as we were walking out I noticed DENZEL WASHINGTON sitting in a corner. I feel like he smiled at me when I smiled at him. He is way sexy. Spotted KEVIN BACON and KYRA SEDGWICK in the parking lot at the southwest corner of Ventura and Beverly Glen in Sherman Oaks at noon today. They were walking to their light blue Prius and looked young, cute, and fit. Seriously. At first I thought it couldn't be them, because who is that cute young blonde ponytailed girl? But sure enough, it was Kyra (no mistaking that face). At one point Kevin put his arm around her and they kissed. Genuinely looked like the real deal.

• It looks like Pat O'Brien might be back off the wagon following his email rant about Lara Spencer to the staffs of both The Insider and ET. [R&M, P6]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our millions of Defamer operatives. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Ellen Pompeo at the Century City Mall looking like (and we quote) "a Staten Island prostitute". This week's installment also includes: Clint Eastwood, Jerry Seinfeld, Ryan Phillippe, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long, Farrah Fawcett, James Woods, Dane Cook, John C. Reilly, Lauren Conrad, Ellen Pompeo, P. Diddy (twice in the same night!), Jared Leto, Kevin Federline, Sandra Oh, Seth Green, Balthazar Getty, Pete Wentz, Briam Baumgartner, Zachary Levi, Ciara, Adam "Seymour Butts" Glasser and more.TUESDAY, AUGUST 21 · Sitting in a booth at the recently re-opened Fab's on Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks at 8pm, Mr. "Hey, Spike Lee, Shut Your Pie-Hole" himself, CLINT EASTWOOD, speaking in hushed tones while dining with Sinatra's favorite opening comic, Tom Dreesen. I couldn't hear if Clint said to the waiter, "Go ahead, make my Chicken Marsala." Even at 93 [Ed. Note: He's actually only 78], Clint looks like he could kick some serious butt. FRIDAY, AUGUST 22 · It was celeb night on Friday 8/22 at the AMC theater at the Century City Mall. Spotted PETE WENTZ standing outside with friends. His hair is flat ironed to oblivion and he is short, almost alarmingly so. Kept his hoodie on the whole time. Jessica's pregnant sister was nowhere in sight. Then, a few minutes later, ELLEN POMPEO (that's Meredith Grey to you) walked by hand-in-hand with her hubby. Super skinny and wearing gross, skin tight white jeans, white shirt with trashy sky high black heels. They were in a rush which made her look like she walks funny because she clearly couldn't handle those heels. We decided she was dressed like a Staten Island prostitute. We decided to hold out a few more minutes on the hope we would spot an elusive A-lister. And before we knew it, PUFF DADDY walked by sans entourage! He is indeed puffy. Mr. Mogul needs to get back to running marathons for charity. He was wearing sunglasses. At 10:30pm. And he was texting while walking briskly. Who says men can't multi-task? · Equinox West Hollywood. PUFF DADDY (again!) makes his entourage wait in the juice bar while he grabs a steam. · JUSTIN LONG and KIRSTEN DUNST were spotted Friday night at the Dragonfly, checking out the show Point Break LIVE! She sat behind him w/ her girlfriends, but Justin kept turning around to talk to her & see her reaction to the craziness onstage. ·Bristol Farms, West Hollywood, 5:30PM (ish). Looking determined to get out and towing a tow-headed child: RYAN PHILLIPPE. Taller than I would have expected, and beefier (but by no means tall). I don't know if he's moved to the neighborhood but the shopping cart was brimming. In case he is, a word of advice: I know it's technically West Hollywood, but the look you should be going for should be more "Daddy out shopping for groceries with my kids on Beverly" and less "Out shopping for a Daddy to buy my groceries on Santa Monica". SATURDAY, AUGUST 23 · He's not a household name, but with 33 film and 40 television credits, let's just say I was surprised to see SEAN WHALEN selling blenders at the Burbank Costco on Saturday, miked up, dressed in a white lab coat and white paper hat. He usually plays nerds, but now he's extolling the virtues of raw food smoothies. Ouch. SUNDAY, AUGUST 24 · Sunday night at the Radiohead show. Saw SANDRA OH with several dudes scrambling to get to their seats. She looked flustered, yet excited. Also saw SETH GREEN in line between songs waiting for beers. He was sporting a trucker hat and has a big, shaggy red beard. He looks like he belongs under a bridge waiting for three billy goats gruff. Lastly, also saw BALTHAZAR GETTY near the beer line between songs, wearing douchey skinny jeans and chomping on cigarettes. Dude looked like he was having way too much fun, like he'd just ditched his wife and kids for a hot chick who likes to bang while only wearing a sailor's hat. Oh, wait... · As I approached the cool 'n' groovy Santa Monica/Fairfax Whole Foods, I saw two paps outside aiming their lenses into the store. Store security blocked their view. I heard someone say, "She's the one in orange," and then noticed LAUREN CONRAD in a cute orange summer dress, casual hair, grinding her own peanut butter near the bulk grains. No, she did not have an assistant to pour in the peanuts and press the button for her. When I left she was checking out, the paps were lining up, and the Whole Foods security guys, looking vaguely energized, were preparing to escort Ms. Conrad to her vehicle. MONDAY, AUGUST 25 · Monday night, Radiohead at the Bowl. After briefly encountering JARED LETO (dressed a bit like Shia in Indiana Jones) on the concourse leading a small scuzzy posse around and claiming that he had extra seats, I was surprised to see him all alone in the pool circle up front where I was seated (second row, yo!). Jared apparently ditched his "boys" and tried a bum rush to get up front as the lights went down. Multiple security guards stopped him and he immediately went into "Don't you know who I am?" mode. At first it was high-larious, but then it became a bit pathetic. And then it became a lot pathetic. He just would not give up. It didn't matter. They hauled him away just before the band came out and killed it. I'd like to believe that Radiohead hates Jared's stupid fucking band and the noise pollution he calls music as much as I and everyone else at the show does, and that they ordered security to remove him from their immediate vicinity, but more than likely Thom Yorke has never heard of 30 (Minutes? Miles? I refuse to google.) to Mars. To Thom, it was probably just another dumb asshole without a ticket getting the boot from the front. Which is exactly what it was. ·Saw JAMES WOODS on 8/25 on Burton Way near Raffles L'Ermitage Beverly Hills. He was on the phone and completely plugged into it. Looks pretty good for a man his age. No sign of his 20 year old girl anywhere. TUESDAY, AUGUST 26 · Comedy Antichrist DANE COOK was at Crunch. His name was on the marquee at the Laugh Factory across the street, so I'm guessing it was some sort of pre- or post-show routine. If you imagined that he'd work out in a backwards baseball cap and muscle shirt, thereby confirming your image of him as a superannuated, doughy-faced, overgrown frat boy - you'd be correct. WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27 · Two fun (separate) sightings. Saw Kevin (BRAIN BAUMGARTNER) from Scrantonicity (and, yes, The Office); and, Chuck (ZACHARY LEVI), from, well, Chuck at the Studio City Starbucks. Both taking meetings around the corner at the NBC/Universal building? Kevin wearing shorts, Chuck driving a gas-guzzling Chevy Tahoe. Bad choices, boys. · Eyed R&B sensation/masturbation fantasy CIARA placing a to-go order at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and Crescent Heights around 4:40pm. Body was insane. · I was walking back to my office from Rick's Tavern yesterday around 8:35pm going South on Main St when, lo and behold, JERRY SEINFELD was walking the opposite direction. He was with a group of like 3 or 4 friends and looking casual but good. Hoodie and glasses and admiring the motor bikes parked on the street. · Saw Seymore Butts (born ADAM GLASSER) in the Miracle Mile Marie Callender's today. No cameras, no nudity, no sex acts being performed. But seriously, I saw Seymore Butts!!! FRIDAY, AUGUST 29 · Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake around 3:30pm is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me" Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough hard drinking, hard partying, heavy tanning life. Use sunscreen, kids. Use Sunscreen. · Not sure if KEVIN FEDERLINE is a real "sighting" but we saw Father of The Year at Malibu Seafood on Friday. Did not look overly douche-y. Was with a few guys, both whom I recognized but neither that I could place. · We saw JOHN C. REILLY out in Dublin's (as in, Ireland) posh south side last Friday. We couldn't remember his name right off. We called him "Not-Will-Ferrell". He didn't seem to mind. [Photo Credit: X17]

• Tom Cruise says he wasn't replaced by Angelina Jolie in Edward A. Salt: she was only offered the role after he turned it down. And he also claims he's the one who bowed out of starring in the next Mission Impossible flick. Meanwhile, his producing partner Paula Wagner has stepped down from her job as CEO of United Artists. [MSNBC, R&M, E!]

• Britney Spears gave up custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline, retaining only visitation rights. The singer had been showing signs of steady mental and physical improvement, so it seemed odd she'd give up her custody battle so readily. Meanwhile, Spears' handlers keep trying to nudge her into making some more money for them, already. Sad.

[Photo Credit: X17]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Britney Spears huffing smokes while eating poolside chicken fingers.

Just when we thought Britney’s 378th comeback attempt (you know, the real one) was on its final wobbly legs of materializing, a salacious cover story from Life & Style paints Britney as a suicidal and unstable girl (but not yet a woman). Using the headline “Britney’s Suicide Drama,” details are promised regarding the currently slimmed down doting mother who’s finally perfected that weave nonsense after years of failing, along with her battles with repeated suicide attempts. As the weekly’s source claims, “I spoke with her many times and I’ve gone to her house...She’s on major medications...like a zombie now. She’s a shell of her old self.” But after getting past the enticing glossy cover, we found several holes in the exclamatory top story, a few of which we unveil after the jump:

Ah, Father's Day. A day when all of us, rich and poor, famous and anonymous, get together with our families and try to keep our long simmering resentments from boiling over. Kevin Federline celebrated the holiday like so many others, in a kid-free Las Vegas nightclub. Naturally,Federline nabbed a Father of the Year Award at club Prive. In an item that is layered with "WTF?" Us Magazine magazine attempts to explain the inexplicable.