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Tomorrow night on Primetime (kids, check your local listings), Diane Sawyer attempts to draw mediaphobic megastar Tom Cruise out of his shell by inviting him to speak about the heretofore unexplored areas of his personal life, his religion and relationship with actress Kate Holmes. ABC teases the broadcast with a write-up of topics covered on the program, including this primer on the practice of "silent birth," which, according to the actor, does not include pacifiers, surgically attached oral zippers, or futuristic vacuum-like devices capable of sucking all sound from the birthing chamber. Explains Cruise:

"It's basically just respecting the mother, you know, and helping to be quiet — not the mother. The mother makes as much noise ... you know, she's going through it," he said. "But why have other people make noise? You know, you want that area very calm and to make it very special."

And Cruise dismissed the claim, which some say is consistent with Scientology, that Holmes would not be given any drugs during the birth even if she needed them.

"She does what she's gotta do, OK? ...We're there you know, with doctors," he said. "Whatever the woman wants. I'm not gonna tell Kate ...you know, if she needs an epidural, she's gonna get her epidural."

Practitioners in the field of obstetrics and gynecology shouldn't let down their guard quite yet. It may seem like Cruise doesn't believe that they employ dangerous street drugs in their trade, but he is merely trying to lull them into a false sense of security while he studies their history, obtaining facts that will allow him to more effectively discredit the specialists as labcoated sadists bent on enslaving the populace with their feelgood, easy-birthing pseudoscience.